It’s Election Day across the nation, and they’re spitting out polls right and left.  For every election and every issue there are more polls and stats than you can find in major league baseball.  What’s the reason behind this abundance of “data?”  Well, I like to call it Poll-itics (a portmanteau of poll and lunatic).  Now more than ever there are tens (perhaps hundreds) of thousands of poll-iticers working around the clock making calls and robocalls, sending emails, and doing in person questioning to determine the prevailing winds in the USA on any  issue.  Certainly, this is a useful tool, but it starts to turn ugly when people treat these things as the gospel truth or stretch them beyond what they are.  While polls are generally accurate in evaluating broad trends and feelings, all they really tell us is how the people answered the questions asked.  So, as you watch the eledction returns flow in tonight, keep these things in mind as you are bombarded by a myriad of poll-itics:

1)  It’s all about the method behind the madness.  Not surprisingly, a poll is only as good as the method used to take it.  Lots of polls purport to take a “random” sampling of adults from across the country and take their views on any issue.  But, a sneaky polltaker can skew the results by skeing the sample.  For example, if you are a GOP pollster and you want to reflect that Obama’s policies are unpopular, where are you going to select random people?  Probably from areas that voted pro-McCain and GOP in the last election.  It also all depends on how the question is framed.  If you call a bunch of people and ask if they would support a health plan that would require the government to determine whether old people live or die, it isn’t exactly fair to use those numbers to say that the “overwhelming majority of Americans don’t support Obama’s health plan.”

2.   Polls aren’t perfect.  If you go to the doctor with the flu, what does he or she do?  Well, you get your temperature and vitals taken, you describe your symptoms, and you get examined.  Then, the doctor diagnoses and determines the course of treatment.  What if, instead of the exam, your doctor called 100 people in the community and asked them how they were feeling to determine what was wrong with you and how to treat it?  Sure, he or she might get an idea of the ailments in the local area, but if everyone else was suffering from the chicken pox, you’d be in a bind.  It’s the same with polls.  While they might give an idea of how people generally feel, it doesn’t do much to figure out what you will do when standing in the voting booth.

3.   Correlation isn’t causation.  What do polls really tell us?  They tell us how each of the people asked the questions responded, and that’s it.  Just because 55% of people responding said “x” doesn’t mean that 55% of Americans believe the same.  They also don’t give us the why.  If 55% of people support “x,” we don’t know if they do it for personal reasons, religious ones, political ones, or because they flipped a coin.  For the same reason, trying to tie two different polls together to explain one another is crap.  What’s my point?  Well, that means that when people try to to explain why people in polls feel the way that they do, they are probably wrong. 

Let’s look at an example.  The big race to watch today is the New Jersey Governor’s race.  It pits the incumbent (and unpopular) Democrat against a Republican challenger.  Both sides have their polls about who is winning and whether people support the President and his policies.  If the Repub wins, expect tomorrow’s press bites to say that it was because NJ wanted to send a message to Obama (and they will have polls to back up their belief).  If the Dem wins, expect the soundbites to say that it was a message about how NJ wants hope and change (And they will have their polls too).  The truth is that all it will tell us is who NJ wants for their governor.  The other interpretation is like saying that people hate Michael Vick because they disagree with the policies of the NFL commissioner.  Guess what, some people might hate Michael Vick because of the dog-fighting thing or for reasons entirely different. 

In the end, people should use polls for what they are–general indicators.  Trying to extrapolate the why is about as useful as trying to guess why John and Kate’s marriage didn’t work out.  So, when you are watching the election returns, look at the actual votes (not the polls) and realize that all they are really telling you is who won or lost.

The air is crisp and the candy aisles have doubled in size.  Looks like it’s time for the Second Annual Jodysez Halloween Costume Tips and Costume Reveal.  If you’ll recall from last year, this post will summarize the latest dress-up trends and finish with a big reveal–my 2009 costume choice.  So, without further adieu:

1)  Vampires and Zombies.  The supernatural is off the charts this year, as vampires and zombies have charmed their way into our hearts and our tasty, tasty brains.  Vampires, in particular, are everywhere–the movies, the bookstores, and on the television.  With Twilight, New Moon, Vampire Diaries, True Blood, and that old classic Dracula, the American public has a thirst for vampires like never before.  With the movie Zomebieland recently topping the box office, the undead have a strong hold on the trend meter as well.  What can you do with this?  Well, you can always go for the simple, like dressing as a Twilight character or generic zombie, or you can spice it up with a little creativity.  Just think how your friends on the right will guffaw when you show up as Vampire Obama, fresh from sucking the capitalist lifeblood from our country!!  If you hang out with the left-wingers, wow them with your Zombie Rush Limbaugh or Zombie Glenn Beck costumes, while feasting on the brains of your teabagging listeners.

2)  Politics.  Even after the election, this has been a busy political year.  Nothing makes a good costume quite like a topical one.  By tapping into the political news, you literally have millions of options.  Of course, there’s always Wolfman Ben Bernanke, an old standby that never loses its appeal, but why stop there?  You could go as a Government Czar.  All you have to do is dress up like an 18th century Russian noble, and then tape the name of a generic industry/department to your front.  Cars, School Safety, Environment–you name it and it has a czar.  For a little different variation, you could go as the Nobel committee.  To make this costume work, you need to photocopy several hundred pieces of paper that say “Nobel Prize.”  Then, when anyone does anything remotely positive, give them one:  “Hey, thanks for the drink, here’s a Nobel Prize.”  “No, I don’t need to use the restroom, but thanks for asking, here’s a Nobel Prize.”  “Hey pizza guy, nice delivery…no tip, but here’s a Nobel Prize.”  If you have the dual goal of impressing your friends and having them question your sexuality, go as Tom Delay in his Dancing with the Stars costume.  Make sure you shimmy and samba, but you have to leave the party at least two hours before it’s over.

3)  The Economy.  Ok, it’s getting better (according to Wolfman Bernanke), but lots of people are still wary.  So, use the economy to your advantage in costume design.  The first idea involves getting a paper bag and filling it with thousands of dollars in Monopoly money.  Throughout the night, walk around slowly and hand out a few dollars at a time.  Make sure, though, that you have plenty of money left in the bag when the party ends.  What are you?  The Stimulus, of course!  Have you lost a lot of weight this year?  All you need is to blow up a picture of you before and then carry around next to you all night.  What are you?  The job market from 2008 to 2009.

I hope that this list helps you to narrow down your choices, and makes you a big hit at any party.  So what am I going to be?  Well, I thought I would do another combo costume, combining one of America’s favorite vampires with a pithy political statement.  That’s why this year, I will be partying it up dressed as Count Chocula, The United States Czar of Children’s Cereal. 

Here’s wishing you happy trick-or-treating and that the Great Pumpkin brings you everything on your list!

Dear Mr. President,

I am writing to express my surprise about your recent win of the Nobel Peace Prize.  It must come as a surprise after you single-handedly lost the entire Olympics bid and forced them to award it to Rio.*  While some people say the Peace Prize is an honor and accomplishment, or even a mandate from the international community to keep trying to use diplomacy over force, I think that they misunderstand the true meaning of peace.  As Teddy Roosevelt, a fellow Laureate, once said, “Guns don’t kill people, peace kills people.”**  You can’t argue with that.  So, here are a few suggestions to get things back on track:

1.  Stop trying to reduce nuclear weapons.  The whole idea that you can take away nuclear arms is unconstitutional.  The second amendment gives me the right to bear arms, and that includes a nuke or two.  It’s what the founding fathers intended.  I’m a conscientious user–in fact, I have taken classes on the use of personal nuclear weapons by my local NRA chapter.  Plus, I need these missiles for hunting and sport purposes.  Just like me, Russia, Iran, and North Korea are exercising their Second Amendment rights as well.  I’ve seen the rabbits and deer that they have over in Russia, and I’ve got to tell you, it would probably take a well-placed nuke to take those suckers out.***

2.  Diplomacy is no substitute for brute force.  All you want to do is talk to our enemies about our problems.  Well, I’ve always said that talking never solved anything.  Everyone knows that the best way to win is to be bigger, stronger, and more heavily armed than the other side.  Does a bully take someone’s lunch money by talking?  No way, they get the money because they hold the weaker guy upside down in the toilet.  If Iran, terrorists, North Korea, Canada, and Nancy Pelosi won’t play nice, there’s only one solution–Swirley Time.  Of course in my scenario, a swirley would be a land invasion, heavy bombing, and possibly a mushroom cloud.

3.  America is always right.  Why have you gone around the world apologizing for our actions?  You act like we did something wrong.  By invading Iraq, we brought peace to their country–once we stopped blowing stuff up.  Same thing with Russia.  How can they know that we are friends if we don’t put our missile defense shield next to their country?  It shows them that we are thinking about them all the time, and that’s a nice gesture.  Cuba was also just fine before you started trying to talk to them.  I mean, think about all those people that would make homemade rafts and leave Miami  just for a chance to live in Cuba.  Plus, they’ve got some really sweet 1950’s hot rods.  Anyway, we’ve never done anything wrong, and we aren’t about to start anytime soon.****

4.  Healthcare.  Why are you trying to kill my family by giving us insurance?  I know this isn’t peace-related, but it’s a worry just the same.  By trying to force everyone to have affordable healthcare, you are denying me my constitutional right to not have insurance.  That’s not capitalism.  Sure, I have insurance right now that I pay for, but that’s my choice.  If I didn’t want to pay anymore, I could quit my job and let the government pay for my care.  You want to take that choice away and I don’t like it.  Keep the government out of Medicare, too!!!   Plus, you want to decide when my grandmother should die.  That is my job, not yours.

Please keep these things in mind when you are Presidenting our country.  It would be a shame if you let that “Peace Prize” go to your head, and you forget that the only true way to have peace is to have the most guns.

Sincerely,

A member of the vocal minority.

*  Of course he didnt, but you would think that he did the way that some people are pointing the finger.  There’s a reason that the title is “Tongue-in-cheek.”

** No, he didn’t really say this.  The true quote was, “Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.”  It was an odd quote for 1905, but it later proved prophetic.

***  In reality, 1 in 5 Russian rabbits can withstand a direct nuclear attack.

****  Well, ok, except for slavery, segregation, Japanese internment, reality tv, Carrot Top, the Defense of Marriage Act, and some minor colonialization, but that’s it.  Oh yeah, and all of the “Real Housewives of…” shows.

P.S.  In reality, Mr. President, the award is for all of us who want to see diplomacy and peace in action.  I hope that this award truly does serve as a call to action for you and for all of us to promote greater understanding and peace among the nations of the world.  Good luck!!

Taking her place with other literary icons like Lauren Conrad, Danielle Steel, and James Patterson, Gov. Sarah Palin’s pre-orders for her new book have already sent her to the top of the New York Times bestseller list.  Anxious as always to hear her perspective on things, I thought I would ask Sarah a few things about her new book.  Luckily for me, she was able to fit me in between speech appearances in Hong Kong, Tokyo, and the annual Iditarod Tractor Pull in Denali.

JS:  Gov. Palin, welcome back to the blog, it’s always a pleasure to have you here.

SP:  Gosh, thanks so much.  It’s nice to be here.  But, things have changed, I’m going have to charge you $275,000 for this appearance.  [winking].  Just kidding ya!

JS:  So, let’s talk about the book, what’s it about?

SP:  Well, as you can probably tell from the title, it’s about me.  I started out as just a humble state officer in the largest and least populous state in the Union.  Then, there I was, thrust into the national spotlight and being told what to do by a team of advisors.  As everyone knows, I’m a bit of a maverick, so that didn’t sit well.  I took my own path, and that’s what this book is about.  And it also has a section that includes some of my favorite salmon and seal recipes.

JS:  Salmon and seal.  Sounds like a bargain buy!

SP:  You betcha.  My filet of seal with a side of baked Alaska was a PTA potluck favorite!

JS:  So, what was your process?  How did you write this thing?

SP:  Well, like all good writers, I started with an outline.  Well, actually, first it was a series of dots, which I connected to draw a picture of an eagle.  Then, I colored the picture.  Being a rogue I colored outside the lines a bit.  After I was done, I was inspired by the bald eagle, and I thought about America.  So, I put down a few notes and my people put me on the phone with a ghost, who used his magic to make a book.

JS:  Do you mean that you used a ghost writer?

SP:  Oh no!  I came up with the ideas, the ghost heard them, and then used his magic to make a book.  He didn’t do any writing, otherwise how could my name be on the cover?

JS:  Who are your literary influences?  I think I’m getting a pretty good picture.

SP:  Well, I do love books with pictures.  All those words need something to break them up.  When I was writing this one, though, I was most inspired by Steinbeck.

JS:  John Steinbeck?  I guess you wanted to write about hardworking salt-of-the-earth folks and their struggles to get by in modern America?

SP:  No, Stein and Beck.  Ben Stein and Glenn Beck.  I read parts of each of their books, and that put me in the right direction.

JS:  Sigh.  Well, tell everyone where they can find your book?

SP:  It’s not out yet, but you can preorder it at all the major bookstores, Amazon, and the Juneau general store.  Just remember, you can’t get it on Kindle.

JS:  Why not Kindle?

SP:  Are you kidding?  Most of my biggest supporters don’t have electricity.  Plus, I live in Alaska.  Have you ever tried to charge a Kindle in an igloo?  One spark, and you’re homeless.

Well, that’s the latest from America’s newest lady of letters.  Stay tuned for more because once this thing hits stores, it’s only a matter of time before we see “Going Roguer:  The Sequel.”

There’s been a lot in the news lately about a lot of things, so I thought I would address several different stories in this post.  First, I just wanted to say a few words about Patrick Swayze.  For those of us who grew up in the 1980’s, Patrick’s movies were some of the most popular of our time.  Who doesn’t remember Ghost or Dirty Dancing (which I was forbidden from watching when it first came out due to the “adult” content).  Even though he was one of the most influential tough-guy/dancers of the time, he also managed to—–

Unidentified person:  YO, YO, Jodysez, I’m really sad for Patrick, and I’ll let you finish, but Michael Jackson was one of the best tough-guy dancers of the 1980’s.  One of the best tough-guy dancers of all time!!

JS:  Excuse me?  I’m blogging here–who the F are you?

UP:  Yo, I’m Kanye West.

JS:  What the heck?  I’m trying to do a tribute here, and you’re up here interrupting me.  What is wrong with you?

KW:  Look, I didn’t mean to interrupt you, that was really rude of me.  I just get so, you know, emotional and stuff about MJ. 

JS:  That’s ok.  I’m just trying to post a little memorial to Swayze because— 

KW:  Memorial, yeah, Swayze was good and all, but MJ’s memorial was one of the best of all time!  I mean it was amazing.  Aw dang, I did it again, I’m sorry.

JS:  Let me just move on.

Health care reform remains in the top news spot, though.  Last week, President Obama made a joint speech to Congress about his plans, and then Sen. Baucus unveiled his own Senate “bipartisan” version for review.  The push(y) for reform has really gotten some people on the right enraged though.  This weekend, followers of Glenn Beck’s (R-ightwingnut) 9/12 Project showed up in D.C. to protest all things Obama.  By their own estimates, they had somewhere between 1,000,000 and infinity protestors show up.  Other sources, however,  like the news and the DC fire department have placed the number somewhere between 50,000 and 70,000.

Unidentified person:  YOU LIE!

JS:  Son of a—-who are you?

UP:  I’m Congressman Joe Wilson, and I’m not going to stand here and let you spout this nonsense. 

JS:  Rep. Wilson, are you disputing the number of people at the rally?

JW:  You’re darn right I am.  I used to work as an aerial photo crowd analyzer, and I can tell you that there were at least 14 million people there.  Not to mention that every single one of them was a legal American citizen.  Just look at the pictures.

JS:  Are these the pictures that were determined to be from a Promise Keeper’s rally in 1997?  Look, they don’t even have all of the buildings that are on the National Mall today.  Plus, I don’t think you ever really worked in aerial photo crowd estimation.

JW:  LIAR!!  I used to estimate crowds all the time.  Oh geez, I’m sorry about that.  Really sorry.  I can’t tell you how bad my behavior has been.  Actually, you know what, I’m done apologizing.

JS:  That’s ok.  It happens to all of us.  It’s not like I’m going to censure you for it.

Finally, it looks like Tom (“The Hammer”) Delay may be bowing out of Dancing With The Stars due to a stress fracture in his left foot.  When asked what happened, Delay wouldn’t specify: “You know, these things happen, I’d just guess this is another case of the left trying to bring Tom Delay down [chuckles].  Seriously though, I’m going to try to power past and and keep on dancing, because America needs more positive role models like me on tv.”

Leave it to a Republican politician to try to make his left foot at fault like—

Unidentified Person:  F*** YOU!!!  You wouldn’t know a foot fault if it hit you in the ****ing face!

JS:  You’ve got to be kidding me.  Who are you, and why are you in my blog?

UP:  I’m Serena Williams, and if you don’t quit mouthing off about people’s feet being at fault, I’m going to take this **** *&)#@$# ball and !(&#&^$*%!(* down your  @#(* and @*#&*&*.  You don’t know the hurt that I will bring you *&#@&@^.

JS:  Wow, someone’s a little touchy.

SW:  Look, I’m sorry, that was uncalled for and unprofessional.  I know it wasn’t you that brought up feet and faults, but it’s just something that causes me to lose it.

JS:  By it, do you mean the US Open?

SW:  Oh hell no, )(*&#$@ your !*#^&$^ with a @#$*)&@$# and #$!*(*#*$@!!!!!!!!!

Well, I got taken a little off topic by some interruptions, but you get the gist.  Anyway, I know you all wanted to hear my thoughts on these things, so I’m sorry that I couldn’t give them to you.  I’m really sorry.  So, sorry.  But I really mean it.

Disclaimer:  This blog pertains to events that occurred during a bachelor party trip to Las Vegas.  Thus, it involves information that is privileged under both the “Bro Code” and the principle of “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas.”  That being said, there were plenty of non-bachelor-party-related events that are blogworthy.  So, without further adieu:

Ah Vegas.  Even more so, Vegas for a bachelor party.  It was quite the weekend, although nothing resembling the plot of the Hangover occurred.  At best, there were a few hangovers and one inexplicable marmot, but all in all it stayed pretty tame.  Still, I had an interesting weekend.

Wintertime

The fun started on Friday as I waited in the airport for my flight, which was delayed for about an hour.  Luckily, I was leaving around lunchtime, and with the time change I still had plenty of Vegas left in the day.  As I sat there in the waiting area, I noticed someone sitting across from me who looked pretty familiar.  I gave it a bit more thought and realized, “Holy crap, that’s Edgar Winter!!”  For those of you who don’t know, Edgar is one-half of the albino-rock/blues Winter brothers from Beaumont, Texas.  Being from that area, I grew up on Edgar’s music, and he has always been a musical hero of mine.  “Is that really him?,” I though to myself.  Luckily, since this guy was a six foot tall albino with his feet propped on a guitar case, I didn’t wonder for long.  Eventually, I made my way over to him and introduced myself as a fan.  He was very gracious, and we chatted briefly before his manager ushered him toward the boarding area.

Mile High

With my first celebrity sighting of the weekend already behind me, I got onto the plane looking forward to a boring flight.  Of course, I was wrong.  Once we reached crusing altitude, I decided to make a trip to the restrooms at the rear of the plane.  Little did I know that, while I was in the bathroom, the drink cart would trap me away from my seat.  Upon making this discovery, I waited for the drink service to end, so that I could return to my seat.  As I stood near the bathroom, many a passenger came by to use the facilities.  I shuffled my way around the rear of the plane to accommodate people’s entry into the cramped facilities.  As I was waiting, a couple appeared.  The wife went into the bathroom, and, after everyone else had cleared out, the husband decided to follow.  Unfortunately, I was still there.  “Don’t tattle,” he told me, as he headed into the restroom to meet his wife for a rendezvous.  I was still there about three-and-a-half minutes later, when he emerged looking sweaty and victorious.  I was also there two minutes later when his wife emerged, looking less than thrilled.  Given her expression, I would guess that they really only made it to the half-mile high club.

Octogenarian

When the drink service was over, I returned to my seat.  Sitting next to me was an elderly lady, who struck up a conversation with me.  I learned from her that she was on her way to Vegas for ten days, to celebrate her 85TH BIRTHDAY!!!!  When I asked her what she planned to do, her answer surprised me.  “I want to gamble and I want to party.  You only turn 85 once, and I want to have a good time.  Who knows, maybe there will be a few nice men around.”  All I can say is that Ethel, I hope that those Chippendale tickets work out for you.

Sunday Morning Coming Down. 

On my last morning in Vegas, I was sitting at the pool soaking up some sun with a couple of the other attendees.  The rest were in the room letting their livers catch up with the rest of their bodies.  So, there we were watching as a gentlemen trained his young daughter fetch fresh bottles from his beer bucket.  Suddenly, the entire pool area was surrounded by about 10 guys in “Security” t-shirts.  Then, a group of kids showed up in the pool.  I thought that they looked familiar, and after a minute I realized that I recognized them because they were Michael Jackson’s kids.  Yep, Paris, Prince Michael, and Blanket were partying in the Palms pool with a couple of friends, a nanny, a security team, and their grandmother.  If there was any doubt, it was erased when security went around and made people delete any photos that they took.  They seemed to be having fun, and I was glad to see that.  They’ve never had chance for a normal life, so I hope that they can make the best of what they have.

That pretty much covers the non-privileged parts of my weekend.  Winter, plane nookie, 85th birthdays, and the Jacksons made for quite a time.  Also, if anyone knows Mike Tyson, I may have an inside line on where your marmot is.

 Today I started my workday by suppressing my gag reflex.  Three entertainment headlines caught my eye, each more awful than the first, giving me a keen awareness of just how far the standard for “entertainment” has fallen.  Certainly, I am no fan of the endless scores of “reality shows” that assail the airwaves every day (the only realistic thing about choosing your mate while simultaneously dating 30 others would be if they all got the clap from each other), but these three tidbits bring the industry to a new low.  So, in no particular order:

1)  Paula Abdul may be given her own reality show.  Ok, this one isn’t as bad as the other two.  If someone can get a show based solely on the fact that her lady parts served as a clown car for six babies, why can’t a former pop star/reality tv judge/trainwreck chronicle her life?  Well, because the new show, tentatively titled, “Opiates Attract” strikes me as nothing more than a sad look at the inner workings of someone who has more than a few personal problems that she should deal with off camera.    Sure, she already had a mini-reality show based on her life.  But, that doesn’t change my underlying disdain.  Voyeurism is the new porn of the 21st century–we love to see behind closed doors and into people’s lives.  That’s why reality tv, facebook, myspace, and twitter really exist–and I’m just making my pitch to stop it.

2)  They are making a sequel to White Chicks.  Let me repeat that:  Someone has committed money to allowing the Wayans brothers to make a SECOND film, in which they play FBI agents that have to dress up like white, female socialites.  The Wayans have done some great things–In Living Color, Mo’ Money.  Still, I have to ask myself, why would they do this to America?  Was it the Academy Awards that the first one won?  Not exactly.  Was it the critical acclaim both at home and at the Cannes Film Festival?  Not likely either.  Is it the fact the Little Man left audiences wanting more?  I hope not.  I can’t really think of any reason why White Chicks 2:  The Journey Home should make it off the launching pad.  For my money, if an African-American actor is going to dress up like a white socialite to make a movie, Jamie Foxx starring in a Paris Hilton biopic gets my vote.

3)  Tom DeLay is a star.  More specifically, Tom DeLay will be on Dancing with the Stars.  There are so many things wrong with this.  First, does being a disgraced and washed-up former Congressman/partisan hack really make you a “star?”  If so, then Newt Gingrich, John Edwards, Bill Jefferson, Mark Foley, and Ted Stevens ought to get on their dancing shoes.  Second, does anyone think that it’s a good idea to let a former Congressman canoodle unsupervised with a scantily-clad and physically-fit female dancer?  I would think that history teaches us that this is a recipe for disaster.  It won’t be long until the country is awash in news of “Sambagate.”  Finally, Can Tom DeLay even dance?  Sure, he danced around those pesky ethics charges, some campaign finance violations, a couple of indictments, and then danced on the graves of more than a few political opponents.  But, does someone who’s nickname is “The Hammer” really strike you as light on his feet?

Maybe I’m wrong, and each of these shows will be a runaway success.  If I had my preference though, we could put them all on a boat headed nowhere and see if we could do a remake of Gilligan’s Island.

Her hands trembling, Enid struggles to make the lighter flame as she lifts it to her cigarette.  “Need help, ma’am?,” the squad leader asks.  “I’ll manage, son,” she spits defiantly.  As the last ash falls, Enid drops the cigarette and stubs it out with the end of her walker.  “Do you want a blindfold?,” he inquires.  She rebuffs him, “No, with my cataracts, I can’t see a thing anyway.”  Enid braces as she hears the cock of the rifles.  The squad leader begins, “Ready, Aim, Fire!”  And with a collective report, Enid shuffles from the mortal coil.

This bleak vision of post-reform health care is the one being painted by a number of Republicans, including, most recently, Sarah Palin.  Under the new plan, they claim, the government will appoint a “death panel” to determine, every five years, whether a person is worth keeping alive.  If this panel found that they didn’t offer enough value to society, they would be left to die, or even encouraged to do so.  Unfortunately for Sarah, et al, this scenario is best left to Huxley, Soylent Green, and Orwell.  Why?  Because, like these works, it’s totally fiction.

Instead, what the plans require is for Medicare to cover end-of-life planning sessions with one’s personal physician.  These sessions would allow a patient to meet with their doctor to discuss things like a living will, medical directives, and courses of treatment.  There would be no encouragement of death; rather, it would help those approaching the ends of their lives create a plan to meet it with dignity and with their affairs in order.  Sound scary?  Well, these sessions already  occur every day, but Medicare does not currently cover them.  Additionally, this provision has won the approval of the AARP, and they know a thing or two about old people.

Ok, so what about the panel?  Well, under the public option plan, there would be a panel that would determine what procedures would be covered under the various plan levels.  They would also determine how much the plans would cover.  These decisions would be made on a systemic, not individual level–there is no so-called “death panel” to weigh a person’s societal benefit.  Still a little too Big-Brotherish for you?  I hate to break the news, but this already happens.  For every private insurance company, there is a group that determines what coverages people get, and to what level they are covered.  What’s even scarier about the private insurance is that their motive is profit.

To get a little perspective, I thought I might ask Gov. Palin about her interpretation:

JS:  Gov. Palin, although you’ve raised the specter of a so-called “death panel” that would decide whether a person lives or dies.  Do you still stand by this statement?

SP:  Well, I may have been a bit hasty in my comments, but I still stand by my opposition to this health care reform.  In Alaska, we believe that every creature has a right to life that shouldn’t be infringed by the government.  Except wolves, you can kill all the wolves that you want. 

JS:  What is it that you are opposed to about health care reform?

SP:  This public option thing is troubling to me.  I mean, how can an insurance company compete against the government?  The public plan’s going to put them all out of business, and that’s just sad.  Just think about all of the Mom and Pop insurance companies that are going to get pushed out by the government’s Wal-Mart style behemoth.

JS:  Mom and Pop?  The majority of private insurance is written by large multinational corporations, who pay millions of dollars to their executives.

SP:  That’s just not true.  Farmer’s Insurance, that name tells you that it’s owned by farmers, good folks, salt of the earth.  State Farm, same thing–owned by a bunch of small state farmers.  Geico, now that’s owned jointly by some unfrozen cavemen and a lizard, which makes it a minority owned business—we should encourage as many of those as we can.  And the government just wants to come in and shut them all down.  Now Progressive, on the other hand, that sounds to me like its owned by some liberal think tank.  I wouldn’t mind seeing it fail. 

JS:  [Sigh].

Like all good fantasy, the death squad tale makes a good story, but it’s just that–a story.  Whether you love or hate the idea of healthcare reform, stick to the facts—not the fiction.

It’s late July, and the summer TV doldrums are upon us.  What does that mean?  Well, for one thing, prime-time tv is about as diverse as a Romney family reunion.  Once again, we are neck deep in reruns of How I Met Your Mother’s Cousin On Facebook and 30 Rock.  Folded into the mix are plenty of reality shows, including Paris Hilton:  My New STD, America Lacks Talent, and The Bachelorette:  How to Sleep With Twenty Guys to Find A Husband.  Certainly, other cable channels have picked up some of the slack with original programming like Rescue Me, Burn Notice, Raising the Bar, and the Closer, but primetime TV they aren’t.  In the spirit of making summer TV palatable again, I’ve come up with a 2009 list of new shows that would combine current format, headline stories, and lots of entertainment value.

1)  So You Think You Can Dance (Around The Issues).  On this competition show, leading Dems and Repubs would try their best to spin, jump, and otherwise twirl the issues surrounding the healthcare debate in their favor.  Each routine would be carefully choreographed by political strategists and performed during primetime tv for all of America to enjoy.  From the Dems, look forward to a couple of hip-hop/ flip-flop routines, some backsliding, and a delicate “bipartisan” ballet routine (or “Communist folk dance” according to the GOP).  C’mon, who wouldn’t want to see Henry Waxman in a unitard?  The Repubs are promising to shuffle mass hysteria, waltz past the truth, and conclude with a spectacular jump back into the pockets of major insurance companies.  Judges will include celebrity healthcare gurus Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, and John C. McGinley (better known as Dr. Cox on Scrubs), but all the voting decisions will ultimately be made by you, the American people.

2)  The Candidette.  Fresh from dumping the State of Alaska, Sarah Palin is looking for a 2012 running mate.  What better way to find one than by interviewing 25 potential veeps Bachelorette style?  Each week would find Sarah weeding them out one at a time by showing them her favorite activities, including gotcha-journalist bashing, aerial wolf hunts, and “mavericking.”  Then, the episode would conclude with a touching “pinning” ceremony, in which Ms. Palin moved her suitors onto the next round by attaching an American flag pin to their lapels.  Look for cameos from Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, and surprise suitor Karl Rove.

3)  The New Adventures Of Old Sonia.  Despite her years of experience as an appellate court justice, Sonia Sotomayor is moving into new digs at One First Street in D.C.  Part Mary Tyler Moore, part the Jeffersons, and all laughs, this sitcom will follow her transformation from moderate, by-the-book “wise Latina” into the fire-breathing liberal that the GOP warned us about—or will it?  Watch as she meets her new neighbors, including irascible Italian neighbor, Nino Scalia, perennial straight man, John Roberts, and swinging old guy-cum-ladies’ man, John Paul Stevens as they initiate her into the brethren and fight for the ideological heart of the Court.  In a first episode surprise, Sonia’s stuff would be moved in by the white members of the New Haven fire department (she should expect a broken lamp or two).  Look for cameos from Jeff Session and John Cornyn as they occasionally pop in to make sure that the newest Associate Justice isn’t too “judicially active” for their liking.

NBC, CBS, and ABC, take notice!  I can have a pilot script ready with just a phone call.  Fox, don’t bother calling–only the health care dance show is trashy enough for you, but CSPAN already has it feelers out.  If these don’t grab you, just let me know.  I’ve got a great idea for another show with a colon–Michael Jackson Homicide:  CSI.

Disclaimer:  (1)  Yes, I am completely kidding, and (2) No, the Constitution does not actually say that, but I think you get my point. 

I’ve just learned something that has shaken me to my core.  It turns out that we have a President of the United States, who was born to a British subject.  Even worse, he wasn’t born in the United States.  Yet, he somehow defrauded his way into the executive office.  Who is this usurper?  None other than the father of our country, George Washington!!!!

That’s right, while we’ve been celebrating his birthday every February and chomping down on cherry pie in his honor, ole’ George has kept a terrible secret from all of us—he isn’t one of us.  When George was born in 1732, he was born in the Virginia Colony, which was controlled by the British.  What’s worse, neither of his parents were citizens of the United States at the time he was born!!!!!  Can you believe it?  Ever since I found out about this, I’ve been trying to rid myself of all things George.  I discarded my dollar bills in favor of five-dollar bills (everyone knows that Honest Abe was a REAL American), I’ve dumped out my quarters in favor of dimes (FDR was a New Yorker, which is close enough for citizenship), and from now on, I will refer to the State in which Seattle resides as “Traitorsville.”

More cold, hard truth:  his lack of citizenship makes everything that he did as President (and everything since then) a nullity.  Yep, by not even meeting the criteria, he couldn’t be commander-in-chief, so we just need to roll back all of our laws to before he took office in April of 1789 (a result that will no doubt thrill a number of the members of our Supreme Court).

Sure a lot of people have tried to convince me that his birth status doesn’t matter because of minor technicalities like, “he was born before the United States existed,” and that “a number of our founding fathers had similar citizenship.”  But that’s not what the Constitution says.  In fact, if you read the text, it says that the President: 

“must be born to two American citizens, in one of the 50 states, whose birth shall be noted by the recordation of a long-form birth certificate, which shall be made available to any person who contacts the state and asks.  Additionally, if the alleged President’s citizenship is called into question by any resident of the US, he must (at his own expense) mail a certified copy of the long-form birth certificate to the last known address of every man, woman, and child in the United States.” 

That’s in the Constitution people!  We have a constitutional right to see George’s birth certificate, and nobody from his camp has produced one yet.  So, I am issuing a formal challenge to George Washington’s people.  Show me a certified copy of his birth certificate, signed by the doctor that delivered him, that was recorded in the Virginia state records, showing that he was born in the United States in 1732.  If you can’t do it, that can only mean one thing—George was nothing but an imposter.

And as for you Thomas Jefferson, I’ve done my math.  You better get your people looking in the Jefferson family album next, because I’ve got a question or two for you.

In the past few days, the news has been inundated with debate over health care reform.  In that coverage, I’ve heard some good points for and against, and a lot of misstatements, untruths, misunderstandings, and utter BS (from both sides).  First, despite the doom and gloom rhetoric, we aren’t all going to die under the current system.  In fact, a lot of people are just fine.  But, there is a need for change.  A lot of people are completely uninsured, or underinsured.  That means that they are one serious injury away from bankruptcy.  Enter the new health care plan.  Since the House version was announced, people have been all up in arms about how it “attempts to turn this country into Canada” (which it doesn’t), it “outlaws all new private insurance” (which it doesn’t), and it “caps the amount that the government can spend on anyone under the plan” (which it doesn’t).  As anyone who reads this blog knows, I think people are certainly entitled to love or hate this plan (or any government action at all), but if you’re going to have an opinion, know the facts.  In that spirit, I thought that I would take a look at some of the claims in light of what the proposal actually says.

1)  We’re headed for a single payer system.  Nope.  What the proposed House Bill does is offer a public insurance option (in addition to private plans).  In other words, those people who previously had the choice of getting employer insurance or private insurance now have another option–government-provided insurance.  It sets up an exchange to allow employers or private individuals to comparison shop.  The public option will come in several levels, from basic to premium to allow for choice.  It will also help people with lower incomes to defray some of the premium costs and deductible costs that they can’t afford.  There is nothing that completely takes over the healthcare system and makes the government the only payer.  Instead, it adds another insurance choice to the mix.  If you think that this will, ultimately, lead to the death of private insurance, I think you are underestimating the insurance industry’s ability to adapt and lobby.  With that many billions of dollars on the line, they will find a way to stay competitive.

2)  It outlaws private insurance.  Not quite.  A lot has been made about Section 102, which people are claiming will outlaw any private insurance after the act takes effect.  This is, at best, a misreading of the statute or, at worst, a deliberate distortion.  First, let’s look to the title of Section 102, “Protecting the Choice to Keep Current Coverage.”  Well, that certainly sounds like it allows people to “Keep” their “Current Coverage.”  But, maybe the statute trickily hides a more nefarious purpose, so let’s look.  Section (a) applies to “grandfathered health insurance coverage,” which is insurance already “in force and effect before [the statute gets the insurance exchange up and running].”  Then, section (a) goes on to prohibit these grandfathered plans from enrolling new members after the exchange is up and running.  So, this prohibits all new private insurance, right?  No, it doesn’t.  The rest of the statute allows private insurance to write as many new policies as they would like, so long as they meet statutory requirements.  In other words, all Section 102 prevents is policies in effect before the statute from enrolling new members under the old provisions.  But, even after the program gets going, you can still get your private insurance.

3)  There is a $5,000 cap on government spending.  Not in the bill.  The only $5,000 cap in the bill is in Section 122, which caps an individuals yearly out-of-pocket spending on deductibles and co-pays at $5,000 (or $10,000 for a family).  In fact, many private insurance plans contain a similar limitation.  The bill doesn’t, however, limit the amount that the government spends on any person.  Could the advisory committee impose a policy limitation on how much the policy will cover in the aggregate?  Maybe, but most private insurance policies already do this.  All insurance has limits, its not a policy to cover every cost that could ever be incurred.

4)  Oh, the taxes.  That depends.  Another claim is all about the tax increases on the middle class and the small businesses.  Well, Subtitle B gives small businesses a tax credit (not just a deduction) of 50% of their employee health coverage expenses.  Weird way to increase it, huh?  What about the middle class?  Nope, unless they refuse to get coverage, and then their tax would be equal to the “applicable national average premium.”  Instead, there is a surcharge on people who make 350K + per year.  And what is it?  Well, it’s a 1% surcharge on every dollar between 350K and 500, 1.5% for every dollar between 500K and 1 million, and 5.4% on every dollar over 1 million.  In other words, people making less than 350K won’t pay any more and those making more will only pay on every dollar over 350K.  If they make $999,999 or less, the increase won’t be more than 1.5%.  And, as a final note, the bill specifically prohibits the government from paying affordability credits to illegal aliens (Section 246).

There you have it.  We need healthcare reform in this country in a bad way.  Whether you like the current plan or not, action needs to be taken.  I’m not advocating that this plan is the perfect solution, or even the best one.  But, if you do hate the public option, make sure you are hating it for the right reasons—not the fake ones.

Recently, a few Republican heads of states have been in the news.  Earlier this week Texas Governor Rick Perry (R-etractor) requested the stimulus money that he had previously made such a big show of rejecting when, as it turned out, his state’s unemployment funds were about to run dry.  Alaska Governor Sarah Palin (R-ight Winger) recently surprised the nation by resigning before her term was up.  Finally, South Carolina’s governor Mark Sanford (R-gentina) shocked everyone by revealing that his Appalachian hiking trip was really just a lie to cover up an international extramarital affair.  So, in their honor, I came up with a few recipes to add to the GOP Gubernatorial playbook.

Rick Perry’s Crow and Humble Pie:  Sometimes you just have to eat a little crow, but with this tasty technique, you will barely taste the sting.

Ingredients:  1 loud and abrasive rejection of stimulus funds, 1 good-haired governor with extra political posturing, 1 state unemployment fund with diminishing resources, thousands of unemployed Texans, one dash of secessionist rhetoric.

Instructions:  Start with the governor loudly and publicly rejecting any federal stimulus money as a way to distance himself from the Washington political scene and tout himself as a deficit-hawk.  After this is complete, have him speak at a few “tea parties” to protest the stimulus, socialism, communism, abortion, CNN, the possible cancellation of NBC’s Chuck, McDonald’s discontinuation of the McRib, and any other odd cause that you might think of.  Then, watch as the state’s unemployment fund begins to run dry.  Just before it totally runs out of money, leaving thousands of unemployed workers with NO income, call up the federal government and ask for more money than you initially refused to take.  Finally, with the money on its way, cover it up by saring that “This is nothing out of the ordinary….”  Serve with a lukewarm reception and skepticism.

Sarah Palin’s Half-Baked Alaska Governorship

Ingredients:  1 previously unknown governor with little political experience and no knowledge of world affairs, 1 national spotlight, 1 surprise running mate pick, hundreds of crazy public outbursts, GOP division, and a surprise retirement.

Instructions:  Start by taking an obscure governor from a remote, unpopulated state and quickly thrusting her into the national spotlight.  Make sure not to vet her views or check her background.  At this point, sprinkle in various ethics investigations as needed.  After throwing her into the mix, leave her unsupervised for the next several months as she goes “maverick” and off-script at numerous events.  After the election is over, place her back into Alaskan governorship for several more months to cool off.  Once the spotlight has cooled and she is back to governing, thrust her back into the national spotlight with a retirement announcement.  Make sure that this is done before her governorship has been completed.  If you allow her to finish out her term, the recipe will not turn out correctly.

Mark Sanford’s Argentinian Spice Rub

Ingredients:  1 family-values conservative, 1 marriage, a number of political aides and new outlets, 1 press conference.

Start by adding one married, outspoken conservative to South Carolina’s governor’s mansion.  Allow him to stay in office for a while, touting his family values approach.  After this happens for about six years, remove the governor from the public eye quickly and without explanation.  As people begin to question his whereabouts, add in several aides, his wife, and a number of conflicting and implausible stories.  Once the media storm beings to boil, reinsert the candidate into South Carolina.  Then, call a press conference where he tearfully admits to an extramarital affair with an international mistress.  At this point, you should have been adding some Argentinian spice on the side for much of the recipe.  Sorry I didn’t tell you about that until now.  After the press conference, add allegations of misuse of state funds in furtherance of the affair and an embittered wife.  Finally, allow the situation to simmer for awhile.

Hopefully these new recipes will give the GOPs something new to try in, what used to be, a pretty bland collection.  Who knows, it may inspire some other governors to try some new recipes of their own.  Stay tuned for such things as Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal’s Hurricane Relief Snafu or Former Gov. Mitt Romney’s twice-baked presidential campaign.  Mmmm, mmmm.

Well, it’s summertime in Texas, which means two things:  (1) it’s hot enough to cook eggs on the sidewalk (which is still more sanitary then Denny’s) and (2) it’s time for the State Board of Education to try to dismantle another branch of curriculum.  Last year’s struggle was over science.  The big debate was whether teachers should be required to spend equal time teaching intelligent design versus evolution.  Luckily, for all of us, they decided to stick with evolution as the mainstay.  So, what’s on this year’s plate?  Social studies.

Now, many of you might be asking, what’s the worst that they can do?  After all, much of social studies is based on history and fact.  Well, you’d be wrong.  In helping to design the curriculum, the state appointed six “experts” to review the current lesson plans and determine what every child would be learning.  So, certainly these would include educators, people with curriculum experience, and scholars of history and government, right?  Well, yes and no.  Certainly, there are qualified historians and professors, but then there is also Peter Marshall, an evangelical minister, and David Barton, a Republican activist.  Their recommendations, which include dropping Thurgood Marshall and Cesar Chavez from curriculum have drawn the ire of many.  So, to get the story, I thought that I would sit down for a few words to get to the bottom of this:

Me:  Gentlemen, thanks for joining me.  I just wanted to find out a bit about why you made the recommendations that you did.

DB:  Well, our goal is to rewrite the standards to focus on what the founding fathers intended–a Christian nation based on biblical principles.

PM:  Exactly, by interjecting these more recent historical figures, they are ignoring the principle that our great nation was founded upon:  that only rich white men get to be famous.

Me:  So, you’re telling me that you think that social studies should only focus on famous white men?

DB:  Well, not per se, but in practice, yes.  I mean, can you name me one significant person who has done anything in this country that wasn’t a white Christian male?

Me:  What about Thurgood Marshall?

PM:  Don’t even get me started.  All he did was win some case and get schools desgregated.  If the Founding Fathers had wanted integration, they would have put it into the Constitution.  I don’t see it in there anywhere.  Plus, as a Supreme Court judge he was a judicial activist, and he made policy, not law.  We don’t want our kids growing up with the idea that judges get to make policy.

Me:  Sigh.  Ok, moving on.  What about Cesar Chavez?

DB:  I am so sick about hearing about this guy.  All he did was give us a salad named after himself.  Sure, it’s pretty tasty, and I really like that Southwestern Caesar at Chili’s, but is that enough to get them in the social studies book?  I don’t think so.  Not to mention the fact that caesar salads are notoriously high in fat.  With our kids’ obesity rates rising through the roof, I don’ t think that we should be encouraging unhealthy eating.

Me:  Really?!  A salad?  Ok, fine, what about Anne Hutchinson?  She was a colonial leader, an early advocate of women’s rights, and a supporter of religious freedoms.  She was also white.  Why doesn’t she pass muster?

PM:  Are you kidding?  It was all of those things that got her kicked out of Massachusetts in the first place.  That type of rebellion is unhealthy and I don’t want my kids learning about it.  It’s our job to teach social studies, not socialism studies.

Me:  Mr. Barton, anything to add?

DB:  Well, my last complaint is about semantics.  All of these text books talk about our “democratic history,” ”democratic” ideals, and “democratic” processes.  Since we are really more of a republic, I think that we need to erase the word democratic anywhere that it appears and replace it with “republican.”  That way we won’t be teaching our kids the wrong thing.

Me:  Ok, I’ve had enough of this.  Thanks for your time, I’ll let you get back to reading social studies textbooks.  Maybe some of it will rub off on you.

As you can see, the right wing is a flappin’ this summer.  But, like the high temps, let’s hope that these recommendations fade into something more moderate as the year goes on.

****Note:  No actual board members were interviewed, or harmed during the writing of this blog.  I can’t say the same for our educational standards.****

In recent weeks, the bachelor-party drunken comedy, “The Hangover” took in its fair share of the box office.  What most people don’t know is that the plot of this movie was inspired by actual events that took place in our country about 223 years ago.

Let me set the stage:  Philadelphia, PA, Friday July 5, 1776.  Our scene opens in Ben Franklin’s townhouse, with Thomas Jefferson, Franklin, Samuel Adams, and John Hancock lying on the floor throughout the room.  It’s clear that there was a party, as various powdered wigs, silver serving pieces, and all manner of dressing gowns are thrown across every surface in the room.  Jefferson, wiping the sleep from his eyes, struggles to get up, but settles for propping himself against the fainting couch nearby.

TJ:  (to the other)  Hey, hey you guys—wake up.  What time is it?

BF:  Not so loud, my head feels like one of those new-fangled steam engines is running loose in there–turbines pounding.

JH:  Wh—wh—what the hell happened?  (heads to chamber pot)  What is going on?  There’s a picture of the king at the bottom of this thing!!??

SA:  Has anyone seen my pants?

TJ:  Does anyone remember anything?  Last thing I recall is that we decided to have a big party here on July 3.  What time is it?

BF:  (calls to servant)  Wallace, please bring us some tea—and what time is it?

Servant:  (entering the room)  Well sir, it’s half past 11.

BF:  My goodness, we’ve been asleep for quite some time.

Servant:  Yes sir, Mr. Franklin, especially since today is the 5th.

All:  (in unison)  The 5th!!!  What happened to yesterday?

Servant:  Well, I can’t really say, but I know you had a bunch of people over here, lots of gentlemen, and then some ladies.

BF:  Well, that’s the last time I’m hosting a party to celebrate the king’s birthday at my house.  Just look at this place–it looks like something from the Virgina colony in here.

TJ:  Watch it fatty.  Not everyone’s a redcoated-neck down there.  I’ve never slept with my sister, maybe a slave or two, but never my sister.

JH:  Ok, does anyone remember what happened here?  Last thing I recall was that we were out of beer, so we sent John Penn down to the ale house.  He came back for more money because the king had upped the taxes.

SA:  Yeah, after that I went home to get my stash of ale that I’ve been cooking up.  Then….it’s all fuzzy.

BF:  What was in that ale, Adams?

SA:  I call it my summer stout.  It’s just your standard barley, hops, other grains, whiskey, laudanum, leaves from the coca plant, hemp leaves, and something brown that comes from my well.  By the way, does anyone see my pants, this is really weird.

TJ:  Way to go you idiot, you could’ve killed us.

BF:  (to servant)  Do you know what we did while we were in here?

Servant:  Not really.  I know you had a bunch of people over, then y’all signed a bunch of letters, then people passed out.  You all are the last ones to wake up.

BF:  Letters?  What were they?

Servant:  I don’t know, but you gave this one to me to keep.

BF:  (grabbing and reading).  Do you know what this is??!!!!  We declared our independence from the King!!!!  What did we do??!!!!  This is terrible.

Servant:  Well, I know you were really mad about that beer tax.  It’s all you could talk about.

JH:  Let me see that (grabs).  Why is my name the biggest??!!  Holy crap, I’m in trouble here.

BF:  (To servant)  Who else got these?

Servant:  Well, each person here took a copy, one went to the governor, one to each of the local papers, one to the King, and one to each of the colonies.

BF:  We are so screwed!  We’ve got to undo this.

TJ:  Well, I’d say it’s a little late for that.  Sounds to me like I’d better mosey on back to Virginia.  I’ve got a feeling that the redcoats might be heading to Philly soon.

SA:  Yeah, I should probably jet too.  All I know is, after this party, my name will be synonymous with good beer.

JH:  I think I’ll lay low for a while, too.  I think my signature may draw some undue attention.  Let’s get out of here…

And the rest, as they say, is history.  We all know what happened next, after their hangovers wore off, the founding fathers dedicated themselves to the Revolution and ended up starting a little country that would become a beacon to the masses.  What’s the moral of the story?  Well, for one thing, don’t put brown stuff from your well into beer.  The other moral–who knows what crazy stuff can happen when you start the night with a cold tasty Sam Adams beer.

Last night when asked whether Obama’s policies were socialist, Former President George W. Bush (R-etired) replied, “We’ll see.”  Interestingly, this sentiment echos the mantra from the right, that Obama is steering us into becoming the USA(SR).  According to many a pundit, the U.S. is headed from a pure capitalist society to a socialist-style commune complete with photos of Stalin.  In fact, they’ve ramped up the rhetoric to such a level lately that any day I’m expecting to see Lenin (V.I., not John) bust out of his tomb and catch a flight to D.C.

Unfortunately, I think people have conveniently forgotten a few steps that we’ve already taken on the thousand mile journey.  (To be clear, I’m not advocating for socialism, communism, or any change from our representative democracy, but geez people–look at the facts).  In fact, some of the longest-lived government programs could(SHOCKINGLY!!) fairly fall under the label of “socialist.”  So, before we hit Defcon 2 over at Fox news, let’s take a look at whether the U.S. is really being fooled by a secret commie.

1)  Medicare.  Let’s try an activity.  First, find someone over 65.  Ok?  Now ask them how much they pay for their own health care.  Chances are, the answer is going to be a lot less than you.  Why is this?  Because we pay part of our earnings each week to make sure that Edith can get that rash looked at and that Alfred’s yearly prostate screening only hurts his pride, not his wallet.  Yep, this system of taking wealth from people with the means to pay (you and me) and distributing it to those who don’t (the retired and elderly) sure doesn’t sound like pure capitalism to me, comrade.  But, anyone over 65 (who vote in record numbers) want to drop this safety net and cover their own costs?  Didn’t think so.

2)  Welfare.  Yeah, we’ve all got opinions about it.  There are users and abusers of the system, but if you need it, you’ll be glad that we have it.  This is another government-sanctioned wealth redistribution that literally throws a financial lifeline to some of our down-and-outest citizens.  Love it or hate it, no civilized society should leave the poorest of the poor to fend for themselves.

3)  Social Security.  They didn’t even try to hide the ball on this one.  In the late 1930s, the government created a federally funded retirement plan for all of us that we’re all paying for.  Did they try to disguise it by calling it “Mildred’s Federal Bingo Stipend” or “Sexagenarian Slush Funds?”  Nope, they put “Social” right in the title.  And ever since then, people have been pretty happy knowing that when they reach the magic age that they would get something to help them cover their monthly prune juice and Early Bird Special needs.

What’s my point with all this?  That we’ve had plenty of social(ist) programs in effect for a long time.  Just because the government is trying to take to figure out new ways to cope with our social problems doesn’t mean that we’re about to be callin’ Stalin.

It’s a hotly contested election, where young voters are turning out in record numbers to vote for a candidate who vows to unseat the entrenched conservative regime that has lost the backing of its people.  Are we talking about the U.S. in 2008?  Actually, no, we are talking about Iran, today.  It turns out that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doesn’t enjoy the overwhelming popular support that he would have the West believe.  Crippled with terrible financial decisions, the turning back of social progress, and an alienated middle class and young population, this election serves as a referendum of one of Bushie’s Axis of Evil states.  So, to get a little perspective on things, I thought I would get the opinion of our state’s own expert on all things conservative,  Governor Rick Perry (R-idiculously groomed hair).

Me:  Governor Perry, thanks for taking some time to talk with me.  I know that you’re busy running for the 2010 elections.  How’s your arm doing?

P:  Oh that?  Guess you could say I just temporarily lost a little right wing support.  Should be back to normal soon.

Me:  So what do you think about Iran’s election?  Sound like an exciting time over there.

P:  Yeah, I mean, ever since they got rid of Saddam, things have really been moving forward.

Me:  Actually, I’m talking about Iran, not Iraq.  Different country altogether.

P:  No, I think they’re the same thing, just different spellings.  Kinda’ like how Fox News spells the name Usama Bin Laden and those fellas at Commie News Network, CNN, spells it Osama Bin Ladin.

Me:  I’m not going to debate this with you.  Anyway, what do you think about the potential upset of hardliner Ahmadinejad by a more moderate artist and intellectual?

P:  Frankly, it makes me sick.  This is exactly the kind of touchy-feely crap that has screwed up our Washington politics.

Me:  Hold on a sec.  You’re telling me that you support the extremist views of this guy?

P:  You say extremist, I say conservative.  I mean, this guy’s anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-women showing their faces in public, and pro-execution.  If he were running in Texas, I might be sweating it out a little bit.

Me:  What about the fact that he’s called for the extinction of Israel?

P:  Sure the Bible says to love thou neighbor, but don’t we all have problems?  I mean, I could do without Vermont, New Hampshire, California, and all them other hippy states.

Me:  You’re supporting getting rid of a number of U.S. states?  That seems pretty crazy.

P:  It’s not like they bring anything to the table, the only things those places have given us are maple syrup, movies, and hippies.  And I hate all three. 

Me:  What about on pancakes and French toast?  No syrup?

P:  You mean pancakes and ”Freedom Toast”?  I serve mine with Lone Star beer–Texas made, Texas tasty.

Me:  Back to Iran, any last-minute advice for Ahmadinejad about winning or losing gracefully?

P:  Yeah, if you win, it’s because it’s God’s will.  If you lose, it’s because the dirty liberals rigged it to try and socialize your way of life.  And if you don’t win, don’t give up.  Like I always say, if at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

Me:  Don’t you mean succeed?

P:  Nope.

Ok, well thanks, as always, to the Governor for sharing his insight with us on the important political event.  Good luck with whatever it is that you want in 2010.  As for Iran, I hope that this election is a catalyst for the social change that the people are seeking.

Recently, Dick Cheney has stepped back into the public eye to go on the offensive about waterboarding and other “enhanced interrogation” techniques approved and used by the Bush Administration.  Interestingly, these appearances bring an important question to the minds of all Americans:  How is Dick Cheney still alive? 

Let’s look at the facts.

1)  Dick Cheney has had more heart attacks than all of the members of the North American Fried Food Addicts Association combined.  Remember back to five years ago?  Not a week went by that we didn’t have some report about Cheney being in the hospital for an infarction-this or an angio-that.  That dude’s arteries are more clogged than California’s freeways.

2)  Dick is not the most careful with weapons.  It was only a few years ago that Mad Dog Cheney blasted his buddy in the face witha 12 gauge during a hunting accident.  And that’s one that we heard about.  If he’s willing to shoot a friend for fun, just imagine what he was willing to do to people he didn’t like.  There’s probably a couple of detainees in Gitmo that did nothing more than give him bad service at his favorite all-you-can-eat chicken fried steak joint.

3)  He no longer has a secure location.  Since 9/11, anytime there was a credible threat, an incredible threat, or a butterfly on the NORAD radar, Cheney was whisked off to a “secure location” so that he could continue the chain of command in the event of some catastrohic attack.  Coincidentally, most of these “threats” seemed to occur when the Dickster said or did something that was politically unpopular.  Not surprisingly, the current adminstration is putting together their own plans to deploy Biden to a secure location anytime one of his gaffes rises to the level of being more than “mildly offensive.”  Unfortunately, since Cheney was wheeled away from the Capitol after his Vice-Presidency, he’s had to fend for himself.  No one sends him to a secret location when he says something, although I bet there are many in D.C. who would like to find somewhere quiet to leave him in seclusion.

Defying all odds and living well past his nine allotted lives, the former VP keeps sticking his nose into the country’s business.  For those of you who didn’t get enough of him in the last eight years, enjoy.  For the rest of us, please submit your ideas on where to send him for a “goodwill” mission on behalf of the US.  I hear that Iraq and Afghanistan are very lovely this time of year.

Well, unfortunately for the rest of the U.S., Texas did not secede fast enough.  Instead we presented our northern neighbors with a little “not-going-away” present—the Swine Flu.  If you’ve been watching the news for more than 1.6 seconds in the last week you know that hundreds of people throughout the US have been killed hospitalized mildly inconvenienced after being diagnosed with this disease.  Never ones to let the facts get in the way of a good story, however, the media has declared swine flu the next great plague and would have everyone donning germ masks and Lysoling anything that came within 15 feet of them.

So, to help stop the spread of panic, if not the disease, I thought I would tackle a few misconceptions about it:

1)  The Origin.  Sure, no one knows exactly where it came from, but we can rule out some of the whackier theories.  First, it was not a biological warfare attack, so stop acting like it was you conspiracy theorist nutjobs.  Second, it is not the fault of the Obama administration.  Yes, I did read an article where someone tried to blame Obama who, because he is secretly a Muslim secretly outlawed the importation of pork, leading to an increase in the population of pigs, which led to an increase in the virus. 

Putting away your tinfoil hats for a second, let me posit my theory:  divine intervention.  If you’ve been reading the news lately, you know that the top story was the marriage of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, the two most visible and least useful alumni of the tv show The Hills.  God, who reads all of the gossip pages, saw this and realized that he had to do something to prevent these two from procreating and producing a genetic reject so dumb that it actually reversed the course of evolution.  So, he created a virus in Mexico, their reputed honeymoon destination, hoping to waylay them and make them sterile.  Unfortunately for him it didn’t work.  Now, here we are cancelling schools and festivals in order to prevent another outbreak because these two boneheads were too stupid to get the flu.

2)  Transmission.  Ok, you can’t get the swine flu from eating any kind of pork products, so don’t toss that BLT or ham and cheese.  Instead, you get it one of two ways:  (1) from interacting with an infected swine; or (2) from interacting with an infected person.  Thus, if you happen to share an apartment with a pig who has been running a fever lately you might want to head to the doctor.  Same rule applies if you live with a roommate who has been alternating between coughing, sneezing, and oinking.  Since prevention is key here, make sure that you act sooner rather than later in getting medicine.

3)  Treatment.  Unlike the regular flu, the swine flu has the added complication of being from pigs.  So, in addition to our human medication you have to treat the virus pig-style.  Now, what does a pig do when it is sick?  It lays in the mud, oinking and groaning until it feels better.  If you find yourself infected, don’t delay–head to the doctor for your medicine, then make yourself a nice mud pit in your backyard, bathtub, or living room.  In addition to healing your flu, it will have your skin looking ten years younger.  Think of it as a spa treatment for your inside and outside.

Hopefully these facts will help everyone cope with this dreaded disease.  Through common sense, mud baths, and a healthy dose of bacon, we can nip this pandemic before it spreads too far.  That way we can be prepared for the summer, which brings with it a heightened risk of monkey asthma, penguin laryngitis, and duck dysentary.  Happy healing!

Having solved all of Texas’ other problems, Gov. Rick Perry (R-ed Stater all the way) is now going around making threats about Texas seceding from the Union.  Sadly, Rick is only the latest in a line of people addressing this topic.  See Hail the the Chuck?.  Unfortunately, Gov. Goodhair is ignorant (of history and of a number of other things), and has forgotten that, as a Republic, Texas had its fair share of problems:

1)  Mexico Didn’t Like Us.  The whole impetus for the Republic of Texas was the fact that we wanted our independence from Mexico.  Remember the Alamo?  So, in April of 1836 when Sam Houston ran roughshod over a garrison of sleeping soldiers, we claimed that we had it.  The problem with that was that Mexico never really agreed.  Sure, we weren’t paying them taxes anymore, but that didn’t stop them from continuing to attack over the next several years.  In fact, Texas’ annexation to the U.S. brought about the Mexican-American war, in which the U.S. had to come in and fight to keep our land for us.  Sure, Mexico has recognized our sovereignty (as a state) since that time, but considering the large (and growing) Mexican population within the state, would anyone really be surprised if they decided to take us back if we left the U.S.?  I mean, given our almost daily reliance on yummy Tex-Mex food, the threat of losing access to fajitas and enchiladas alone would bring us to our knees.

2)  Texas was broke.  Another thing that most people forget is that when we entered the Union, it was due, in large part, to the fact that the U.S. was willing to forgo a large amount of debt.  Like the average American consumer, we had run up quite the hefty bill on some things we didn’t really need (like a gold-plated outhouse for the President and generous state sponsorship of the many topless bars around the new township of Houston).  Even Britain closed down our embassy because we couldn’t pay the rent.  So, in order to get our debts written off, we became a state.  Given our state’s continuing fondness for topless entertainment (the state bird is the Big-Breasted Robyn) and our propensity to spend big (Trans-Texas corridor anyone?) it’s very likely that any secession attempt would end up with us headed back to the trough for some federal $$$.

3)  Rick Perry ain’t no Sam Houston.  Back when we originally became a state, we had a real leader as President, Sam Houston.  By the time Sam got to Texas, he had been a Congressman and governor of Tennessee, raised by Native Americans, a drunk and a barfighter, a soldier, and a lawyer.  Once he got here, he turned a group of ragtag volunteers into an army and ended up defeating the (better equipped and trained) Mexican Army.  All this, and he was only in his early 40’s to boot.  In other words, this guy was kind of a badass.  On the other hand, our current governor has a less than stellar record book.  In fact, his major accomplishment as governor has been to consistently have the exact same unflappable and bulletproof hairstyle for the last ten years.  Certainly, this is no small feat, but a president, it does not make.

I hope that Rick will think about it a little longer before he goes off and drops the “S” bomb again.  History, and common sense, certainly aren’t in his favor.  In fact, the only thing that he really has on his side is Chuck Norris, and while Chuck may have the strength, cunning, TV experience, and courage of many men, you can’t just roundhouse kick your way to successful secession from statehood.

Ah, the overshare. One never knows when it’s going to come up and take you by surprise.  For me, last night was one of those times.  There I was, sitting on the couch trying to figure out what I was going to do for dinner when it hit me—how about a delicious, unhealthy pizza meal from Domino’s?  So, I jumped up, grabbed the phone, and started dialing.  Two minutes later, I had a medium pepperoni and mushroom with a side of cheesy bread on its way to my door.  As I sat and watched the minutes tick by, my thoughts happily turned to visions of dipping sauces and Parmesan cheese covered slices.  Then, I heard it—a car door slammed outside!  I ran down the stairs, flung open the door, and what to my wandering eyes should appear but a 107 year old delivery guy who was very very very slowly drawing near.

“How are you?” I called to him as he shuffled his way towards the door.  “Fine,” came the reply, “in fact, I’m doing really well considering that I just had a quadruple bypass surgery in December.”

“Ok,” I thought to myself, “that’s more than I needed to know, but whatever—soon the savory flavor of pepperoni will take all my cares away.”

Instead of just delivering, however, he continued.  “Yep, I’ll tell you, the old ticker’s got all new plumbing.  They just basically did a roto-rooter in there, but now I’m purring like a sports car.”

“That’s great,” I told him, “you really seem to be getting around pretty well.”  “Unfortunately it’s at 0.03 mph,” I thought to myself.

“Well, you have to walk after something like that—builds the muscles back up,” he interjected.  “Take me for example.  This last heart attack was my third one.  Plus I’ve had a stroke.  You really gotta stay clear of those fatty foods, or it will get ‘ya. By the way, here’s your pizza.”

Thoroughly disturbed by the recitation of medical history I’d just received, I took the pizza and turned to walk back inside.  But he wasn’t quite through.

“Yeah, I used to eat whatever I want when I was your age.  But it catches up with you, boy oh boy.   After my second heart attack, I tried to really watch what I ate, but when I went into the hospital this last time, I had 100% blockage in all of my major arteries.  They said it was a miracle I was still going at all.”

“Well, I’m glad to see that you’re doing well,” I offered, “you have a good night.”

But it still wasn’t quite over….

“Yeah, they don’t tell you these things when you’re a young man.  But you really gotta’ start on it early.  And you don’t even want to know what happens to your prostate—-it’s like a balloon blowing up in there…”

“Well, I should probably get this inside before it gets too cold,”  I told him as I turned for the door.  “Good luck to you…”

“You too, son, enjoy that pizza..”

I headed into the kitchen, thoroughly turned off at my dinner choice—well, until I opened it at saw all of that delicious cheese smiling back at me.  “I’m young, I can go to the gym an extra time this week,”  I bargained as I heaped a couple of slices onto my plate.  Then I saw it–a container of marinara sauce peeking out from behind my cheesy bread.  That’s it, I said–that has tomatoes, which count as vegetables.  If I dip my crust into that, I’m practically eating health food.  Off I went to the couch to enjoy my feast.  And enjoy I did!

So, I guess the moral of this story is that there really is no moral.  Sometimes we have to think about things that aren’t too pleasant, but with a little rationalization, denial, and marinara, you can always find a way to enjoy yourself.