Currently, some of the the remaining 2012 Republican Presidential candidates are starting to suffer from some image issues. Their constant infighting has some worried that this primary season will be damaging to the Republican brand. In fact, these current candidates are starting to closely mirror all of the candidates that were around at this time in 2008, which didn’t turn out so well for most of them. For example, right now there is a serial philanderer who cheated on his cancer-stricken wife, a Washington insider with big money ties, an outsider conservative with some extreme ideas, and a family-values candidate who wants to focus only on social issues. And that’s just Newt Gingrich.
There’s also Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and Rick Santorum. With that in mind, plus what they have shown us through the 487 debates so far (how can there still be issues to debate?), I thought I would take a stab at helping the candidates write some snappy campaign ads that counter some of the perceived weaknesses that their opponents have attempted to highlight. If anyone from the campaigns wants to use these ideas, just shoot me an email and we can work out some sort of licensing agreement.
1) Mitt Romney.
Scene opens with Mitt standing in front of a swimming pool wearing a suit with short pants and short arms. He looks to the camera:
MR: You know, a lot of people say that I am nothing but a robot–a non-feeling soulless being with no heart. Well, I’m here to prove them wrong. First, let me just go on record as saying that I am not, and have never been a robot. I was born of two human parents, in a hospital, and I don’t have any electronic parts–unless you count my smart phone [winks and smiles]. To put these complaints to rest, I am producing my birth certificate, which, although doesn’t specifically state that I am human should be good enough since, in 1947, the State of Michigan didn’t give birth certificates to robots [winks awkwardly]. But, even if that’s not enough, I am going to prove it right now. If I were a robot, my electronic parts couldn’t be exposed to water without malfunctioning, so [gestures to pool], let me set the record straight. [Jumps into pool while yelling "Cannonball." Ad cut to Romney, now dry with hair perfectly in place]. See, Mitt Romney, not a robot because he can jump into water. Also, even though I could afford to build a robot likeness, I just wouldn’t do it because I already have plenty of human servants to meet my every need. [Winks and smiles].
2. Rick Santorum.
Scene opens with Santorum in typical sweater standing in front of a fireplace.
“Now a lot of people will tell you that I am intolerant and hostile to the gays. That’s just not true. The reason that I don’t think that they deserve any rights is not because I am hostile, but because I think that they are less human than the rest of us. I mean, the idea of two sweaty, unclothed men [15 second pause while gazing into the distance] Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, I mean if I were hostile to gay people, would a coffee shop in San Francisco asked me to endorse the Santorum latte? [Picks up cup and presents to camera]. That’s right, they made it just for me, with extra foam and cappucino swirled whip cream. [Drinks it and leaves behind whip cream and coffee moustache]. I didn’t ask them to do this, they chose me to endorse it. So, I can’t be all bad, right? Rick Santorum, loves lattes, not hostile to homosexuals.”
3. Newt Gingrich.
Newt stands in front of an American flag in a blue suit, with the Star Spangled Banner playing.
“My opponents and the biased liberal media have tried to drag my personal life into politics, where it has no business. In fact, I can’t think of a single time in American history where a President, or a candidate’s, sex life has ever been a relevant issue to anything in this country. But, if we are going to address it, I want to set the record straight. Did I cheat on my wife? Of course not. Everyone knows that by not responding to my open marriage questions, she consented. Also, I am following a long line of former Presidents who had their own mistresses. This is a proud American tradition that I am honored to uphold. Finally, there is nothing hypocritical about me running as a family values candidate. As President, I will live by the mantra, “Do as I say, not as I do.” In fact, it is my pledge to you right now that my behavior will be so ridiculous, and my decisions so bad, that no one will ever question whether they should follow my lead. I’m Newt Gingrich, and as President, I vow to have a great time with not only the First Lady, but also the Second, Third, or Fourth ones.”
4. Ron Paul.
Paul appears in a shadowy concrete room.
“Hello, I’m Ron Paul. I can’t talk long, but I wanted to let you know that, if elected, I vow to singlehandedly take down our Big Government and dismantle the conspiracy between the Federal Reserve, the EU, the Illuminati, Wal-Mart, IHOP, and Dionne Warwick. I can’t say more right now, just know that they are close by and they are running scared. Elect me and I will open your eyes. For now, I’ve said too much, Ron Paul out.”
I know that any one of these ads would certainly change the way I feel about them. If nothing else, it would make the debates that much more lively. Stay tuned, as the race heats up, I’m sure I will have plenty more to say.
