Washington, DC
Republicans and Democrats in Congress today announced a formal legal separation that would serve as a precursor to a full-scale Congressional “divorce” later this year. This unprecedented move calls into question the legislative body’s ability to fulfill its constitutional duties and leaves open the question of how the United States will be governed.
Congressional leaders had much to say about it. Speaker of the House John Boehner tearfully explained, “First, we want to make sure that America knows that this isn’t its fault. This really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Sure, everything seemed fine for a while, but we were just trying to save face. These last few months, it just became clear that we weren’t the same people anymore.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell echoed Boehner’s sentiment, “Look, we tried this thing for a couple of hundred years, but it didn’t work out. With 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce these days, is it really any surprise that we couldn’t make a go of it?”
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi was reflective, “I think the abuse that we suffered during the debt celing fight was the final straw. Sure, there were still some good times–naming post offices, tacking on pork barrel projects to defense bills, but we just couldn’t take it any more. We realized that we were all better off apart, and this is just the last step in making that happen. Of course, finding out that they had been running around on us with that newer, trashy Tea Party group was too much to ignore.”
Boehner downplayed the abuse allegations, saying that the Republican’s actions during the debt ceiling debate were done “because the Democrats forced us to act that way” and that “it was just because they loved America so much” that “they just got so mad.” Boehner also offered that the Republicans are “really sorry” about their actions and promised that “it would never happen again.”
This Congressional parting leaves open the question of which party will represent the American people. As Boehner explained, “Well, we are willing to let the American people choose who they want to go with in this separation. Obviously, they could go with the Democrats, but with their out-of-control spending and socialist tendencies, this country would look like a bloated, bankrupt, USSR in a few years. Plus, if they come with us, we promise to let them stay up as late as they want, watch dirty movies on Cinemax, and get them some new games for their X-Box 360. Plus, wherever we end up will definitely have a pool, which they can use anytime that they want.”
In response, Nancy Pelosi laid out the Democrat’s case. “He said what? An X-Box, seriously? Well, sure, they could choose to accept Republican’s cheap bribes, or they could stay with us. Then, when the Republicans are out partying with their rich friends and those young, fast Tea Party types, we’ll be here to make sure that there is food on their table, that they get their homework done, and that they have a social safety net to fall back on. Plus, under our compromise plan, they can get visitation with the Republicans on weekends, alternate holidays, and one month every summer. Also, we will get everyone of legal voting age a new flat-screen tv.”
There are still logistics to sort out such as determining who gets the House and Senate chambers, and which party, if either, gets any financial support from the other. Although Republicans say that they would like to stay in the Capitol, for now they are moving out into the Washington Hilton, “until things cool off a little bit.”
When reached for comment, President Barack Obama was apopleptic, “They said they are WHAT??!!!” He also vowed to visit with both parties to “get their a___s back in line.” However, President Obama promised not to “rush into” anything and said that he would delay meetings with both parties until after he attended the Republican Congressional Pool Party at the Hilton on Saturday.
Tags: (D-ivorce), No (R-econciliation), No contest
