I will certainly admit that the US operation that killed Osama Bin Laden was big news. Certainly some of the biggest news of the year, and likely of the decade. Nearly ten years after September 11, it brings closure to a lot of people who deserve it. Also, I am thankful for the heroic efforts of all of those involved in mission, both on the ground and supporting them. They deserve our highest gratitude for their service and sacrifice.
That being said, I am tired of all of the talking-head “analysis” and “review” of the operation, the aftermath, and the rhetoric. It is what it is, but, depending on which channel you listen to it was a heroic mission, a great policy failure, a violation of international law, or something else.
So, to get the real truth, I thought that I would put in a call to bin Laden himself, who, my sources tell me, is in Hell. Not surprisingly, my AT&T plan didn’t allow me to directly dial hell (although, ironically, that seems to be the location of their customer service), so I set tried to set up an interview with OBL through other channels. Apparently, they have a strict policy about these things, so I had to settle for an interview with Satan about the goings on there. He agreed to sit down on the record and talk about one of his newest residents.
JS: I appreciate you talking to me, as I know you have a lot going on.
S: Not a problem, although I can’t talk long–you know they are starting to shoot a new season of Jersey Shore. Although I don’t have a strict producer credit, let’s just say I have a hand in that whole process.
JS: I can’t say that I’m surprised. Anything else big on your plate?
S: Well, I can’t comment on a lot of it, but let’s just say that I’ve got a really big interest in the whole Shake Weight thing, as well as more than a passing interest in a not-yet-announced presidential candidate who owes me big time, and any of the “Real Housewives of…” series.
JS: Again, not a shocker. Ok, well let’s get to Osama. Can you confirm for us that he is, in fact, dead?
S: Well, I haven’t seen the pictures, but I can assure that he’s fully moved in downstairs.
JS: What’s Hell like for a new resident?
S: Have you ever seen the Shawshank Redemption? In some ways, a lot like that–in other ways, not at all. For one thing, we do have uniforms, but men get to choose between Z. Cavaricci jeans or jorts. Also, as soon as you get here, male or female, we cut your hair into a mullet, then make sure that it stays that way for all eternity. You’re also issued a walkman that you can never turn off that plays a loop of Michael Bolton, Kenny G, and New Kids on the Block songs nonstop. Although we are kicking around the idea of adding that new Rebecca Black song to the mix.
JS: Pretty harsh stuff. What about the lake of fire and all that?
S: Yeah, it’s kinda like that, but with global warming it’s not as different as you would think.
JS: Back to Osama, I’m guessing he didn’t get the 72 virgins he thought he was promised?
S: No, he did, but I think he was a little disappointed.
JS: How so?
S: Well, let’s just say that the best of the bunch is Chad, who was a 345-lb, 38-year-old virgin who lived with his Mom until he died in a freak Halo accident.
JS: Got it. Anything else that we should know about it?
S: Yeah, there’s the mandatory tv–he has to watch an eternal tv loop including such gems as Cop Rock, Living Lohan, Cavemen, and the Real Housewives series. Based on my involvement, I get a good deal on the syndication rights for all of these.
JS: Yeesh. I can imagine that he is really suffering.
S: Believe me when I tell you that justice has been done.
JS: Ok, well, I feel kinda weird about thanking you for your time, but at least you took a few minutes from doing evil to chat.
S: No worries, I rarely get any gratitude. In fact, I was snubbed from doing The View despite the fact that at least 3 and maybe 4 of those women owe me for much of their careers. By the way, anything you might like to trade your soul for?
JS: Not really.
S: Just have to ask.
It sounds like OBL is settling into what sounds like a terrible eternity. Frankly, it couldn’t happen to a more deserving person.
Tags: Movin' on Down
