It’s a hotly contested election, where young voters are turning out in record numbers to vote for a candidate who vows to unseat the entrenched conservative regime that has lost the backing of its people. Are we talking about the U.S. in 2008? Actually, no, we are talking about Iran, today. It turns out that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doesn’t enjoy the overwhelming popular support that he would have the West believe. Crippled with terrible financial decisions, the turning back of social progress, and an alienated middle class and young population, this election serves as a referendum of one of Bushie’s Axis of Evil states. So, to get a little perspective on things, I thought I would get the opinion of our state’s own expert on all things conservative, Governor Rick Perry (R-idiculously groomed hair).
Me: Governor Perry, thanks for taking some time to talk with me. I know that you’re busy running for the 2010 elections. How’s your arm doing?
P: Oh that? Guess you could say I just temporarily lost a little right wing support. Should be back to normal soon.
Me: So what do you think about Iran’s election? Sound like an exciting time over there.
P: Yeah, I mean, ever since they got rid of Saddam, things have really been moving forward.
Me: Actually, I’m talking about Iran, not Iraq. Different country altogether.
P: No, I think they’re the same thing, just different spellings. Kinda’ like how Fox News spells the name Usama Bin Laden and those fellas at Commie News Network, CNN, spells it Osama Bin Ladin.
Me: I’m not going to debate this with you. Anyway, what do you think about the potential upset of hardliner Ahmadinejad by a more moderate artist and intellectual?
P: Frankly, it makes me sick. This is exactly the kind of touchy-feely crap that has screwed up our Washington politics.
Me: Hold on a sec. You’re telling me that you support the extremist views of this guy?
P: You say extremist, I say conservative. I mean, this guy’s anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-women showing their faces in public, and pro-execution. If he were running in Texas, I might be sweating it out a little bit.
Me: What about the fact that he’s called for the extinction of Israel?
P: Sure the Bible says to love thou neighbor, but don’t we all have problems? I mean, I could do without Vermont, New Hampshire, California, and all them other hippy states.
Me: You’re supporting getting rid of a number of U.S. states? That seems pretty crazy.
P: It’s not like they bring anything to the table, the only things those places have given us are maple syrup, movies, and hippies. And I hate all three.
Me: What about on pancakes and French toast? No syrup?
P: You mean pancakes and ”Freedom Toast”? I serve mine with Lone Star beer–Texas made, Texas tasty.
Me: Back to Iran, any last-minute advice for Ahmadinejad about winning or losing gracefully?
P: Yeah, if you win, it’s because it’s God’s will. If you lose, it’s because the dirty liberals rigged it to try and socialize your way of life. And if you don’t win, don’t give up. Like I always say, if at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
Me: Don’t you mean succeed?
P: Nope.
Ok, well thanks, as always, to the Governor for sharing his insight with us on the important political event. Good luck with whatever it is that you want in 2010. As for Iran, I hope that this election is a catalyst for the social change that the people are seeking.
