Well, unfortunately for the rest of the U.S., Texas did not secede fast enough. Instead we presented our northern neighbors with a little “not-going-away” present—the Swine Flu. If you’ve been watching the news for more than 1.6 seconds in the last week you know that hundreds of people throughout the US have been killed hospitalized mildly inconvenienced after being diagnosed with this disease. Never ones to let the facts get in the way of a good story, however, the media has declared swine flu the next great plague and would have everyone donning germ masks and Lysoling anything that came within 15 feet of them.
So, to help stop the spread of panic, if not the disease, I thought I would tackle a few misconceptions about it:
1) The Origin. Sure, no one knows exactly where it came from, but we can rule out some of the whackier theories. First, it was not a biological warfare attack, so stop acting like it was you conspiracy theorist nutjobs. Second, it is not the fault of the Obama administration. Yes, I did read an article where someone tried to blame Obama who, because he is secretly a Muslim secretly outlawed the importation of pork, leading to an increase in the population of pigs, which led to an increase in the virus.
Putting away your tinfoil hats for a second, let me posit my theory: divine intervention. If you’ve been reading the news lately, you know that the top story was the marriage of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, the two most visible and least useful alumni of the tv show The Hills. God, who reads all of the gossip pages, saw this and realized that he had to do something to prevent these two from procreating and producing a genetic reject so dumb that it actually reversed the course of evolution. So, he created a virus in Mexico, their reputed honeymoon destination, hoping to waylay them and make them sterile. Unfortunately for him it didn’t work. Now, here we are cancelling schools and festivals in order to prevent another outbreak because these two boneheads were too stupid to get the flu.
2) Transmission. Ok, you can’t get the swine flu from eating any kind of pork products, so don’t toss that BLT or ham and cheese. Instead, you get it one of two ways: (1) from interacting with an infected swine; or (2) from interacting with an infected person. Thus, if you happen to share an apartment with a pig who has been running a fever lately you might want to head to the doctor. Same rule applies if you live with a roommate who has been alternating between coughing, sneezing, and oinking. Since prevention is key here, make sure that you act sooner rather than later in getting medicine.
3) Treatment. Unlike the regular flu, the swine flu has the added complication of being from pigs. So, in addition to our human medication you have to treat the virus pig-style. Now, what does a pig do when it is sick? It lays in the mud, oinking and groaning until it feels better. If you find yourself infected, don’t delay–head to the doctor for your medicine, then make yourself a nice mud pit in your backyard, bathtub, or living room. In addition to healing your flu, it will have your skin looking ten years younger. Think of it as a spa treatment for your inside and outside.
Hopefully these facts will help everyone cope with this dreaded disease. Through common sense, mud baths, and a healthy dose of bacon, we can nip this pandemic before it spreads too far. That way we can be prepared for the summer, which brings with it a heightened risk of monkey asthma, penguin laryngitis, and duck dysentary. Happy healing!
Tags: I Got the Chicken Pneumonia and the Mexican Swine Flu, Wash Your Hands After Reading, When Pigs Sneeze
