Having solved all of Texas’ other problems, Gov. Rick Perry (R-ed Stater all the way) is now going around making threats about Texas seceding from the Union. Sadly, Rick is only the latest in a line of people addressing this topic. See Hail the the Chuck?. Unfortunately, Gov. Goodhair is ignorant (of history and of a number of other things), and has forgotten that, as a Republic, Texas had its fair share of problems:
1) Mexico Didn’t Like Us. The whole impetus for the Republic of Texas was the fact that we wanted our independence from Mexico. Remember the Alamo? So, in April of 1836 when Sam Houston ran roughshod over a garrison of sleeping soldiers, we claimed that we had it. The problem with that was that Mexico never really agreed. Sure, we weren’t paying them taxes anymore, but that didn’t stop them from continuing to attack over the next several years. In fact, Texas’ annexation to the U.S. brought about the Mexican-American war, in which the U.S. had to come in and fight to keep our land for us. Sure, Mexico has recognized our sovereignty (as a state) since that time, but considering the large (and growing) Mexican population within the state, would anyone really be surprised if they decided to take us back if we left the U.S.? I mean, given our almost daily reliance on yummy Tex-Mex food, the threat of losing access to fajitas and enchiladas alone would bring us to our knees.
2) Texas was broke. Another thing that most people forget is that when we entered the Union, it was due, in large part, to the fact that the U.S. was willing to forgo a large amount of debt. Like the average American consumer, we had run up quite the hefty bill on some things we didn’t really need (like a gold-plated outhouse for the President and generous state sponsorship of the many topless bars around the new township of Houston). Even Britain closed down our embassy because we couldn’t pay the rent. So, in order to get our debts written off, we became a state. Given our state’s continuing fondness for topless entertainment (the state bird is the Big-Breasted Robyn) and our propensity to spend big (Trans-Texas corridor anyone?) it’s very likely that any secession attempt would end up with us headed back to the trough for some federal $$$.
3) Rick Perry ain’t no Sam Houston. Back when we originally became a state, we had a real leader as President, Sam Houston. By the time Sam got to Texas, he had been a Congressman and governor of Tennessee, raised by Native Americans, a drunk and a barfighter, a soldier, and a lawyer. Once he got here, he turned a group of ragtag volunteers into an army and ended up defeating the (better equipped and trained) Mexican Army. All this, and he was only in his early 40’s to boot. In other words, this guy was kind of a badass. On the other hand, our current governor has a less than stellar record book. In fact, his major accomplishment as governor has been to consistently have the exact same unflappable and bulletproof hairstyle for the last ten years. Certainly, this is no small feat, but a president, it does not make.
I hope that Rick will think about it a little longer before he goes off and drops the “S” bomb again. History, and common sense, certainly aren’t in his favor. In fact, the only thing that he really has on his side is Chuck Norris, and while Chuck may have the strength, cunning, TV experience, and courage of many men, you can’t just roundhouse kick your way to successful secession from statehood.
