Ah, the overshare. One never knows when it’s going to come up and take you by surprise. For me, last night was one of those times. There I was, sitting on the couch trying to figure out what I was going to do for dinner when it hit me—how about a delicious, unhealthy pizza meal from Domino’s? So, I jumped up, grabbed the phone, and started dialing. Two minutes later, I had a medium pepperoni and mushroom with a side of cheesy bread on its way to my door. As I sat and watched the minutes tick by, my thoughts happily turned to visions of dipping sauces and Parmesan cheese covered slices. Then, I heard it—a car door slammed outside! I ran down the stairs, flung open the door, and what to my wandering eyes should appear but a 107 year old delivery guy who was very very very slowly drawing near.
“How are you?” I called to him as he shuffled his way towards the door. “Fine,” came the reply, “in fact, I’m doing really well considering that I just had a quadruple bypass surgery in December.”
“Ok,” I thought to myself, “that’s more than I needed to know, but whatever—soon the savory flavor of pepperoni will take all my cares away.”
Instead of just delivering, however, he continued. “Yep, I’ll tell you, the old ticker’s got all new plumbing. They just basically did a roto-rooter in there, but now I’m purring like a sports car.”
“That’s great,” I told him, “you really seem to be getting around pretty well.” “Unfortunately it’s at 0.03 mph,” I thought to myself.
“Well, you have to walk after something like that—builds the muscles back up,” he interjected. “Take me for example. This last heart attack was my third one. Plus I’ve had a stroke. You really gotta stay clear of those fatty foods, or it will get ‘ya. By the way, here’s your pizza.”
Thoroughly disturbed by the recitation of medical history I’d just received, I took the pizza and turned to walk back inside. But he wasn’t quite through.
“Yeah, I used to eat whatever I want when I was your age. But it catches up with you, boy oh boy. After my second heart attack, I tried to really watch what I ate, but when I went into the hospital this last time, I had 100% blockage in all of my major arteries. They said it was a miracle I was still going at all.”
“Well, I’m glad to see that you’re doing well,” I offered, “you have a good night.”
But it still wasn’t quite over….
“Yeah, they don’t tell you these things when you’re a young man. But you really gotta’ start on it early. And you don’t even want to know what happens to your prostate—-it’s like a balloon blowing up in there…”
“Well, I should probably get this inside before it gets too cold,” I told him as I turned for the door. “Good luck to you…”
“You too, son, enjoy that pizza..”
I headed into the kitchen, thoroughly turned off at my dinner choice—well, until I opened it at saw all of that delicious cheese smiling back at me. “I’m young, I can go to the gym an extra time this week,” I bargained as I heaped a couple of slices onto my plate. Then I saw it–a container of marinara sauce peeking out from behind my cheesy bread. That’s it, I said–that has tomatoes, which count as vegetables. If I dip my crust into that, I’m practically eating health food. Off I went to the couch to enjoy my feast. And enjoy I did!
So, I guess the moral of this story is that there really is no moral. Sometimes we have to think about things that aren’t too pleasant, but with a little rationalization, denial, and marinara, you can always find a way to enjoy yourself.
Tags: Mmmmarinara, Special delivery
