Michael Phelps is in hot water. Perhaps more aptly, Michael Phelps is in bong water. Instead of swimming his way to the gold, Phelps has recently become the newest cover boy for High Times. Putting aside the issue of whether you agree with marijuana use in the U.S., we can all agree that Michael violated celebrity rule No. 1–don’t do something stupid/illegal with a camera around. See Britney Spears Meltdown ‘08. But, like the good celebrity that he is, Michael has apologized and asked for forgiveness. This incident got me thinking, so I called up the Jodysez Pharmaceutical and Recreational Substance Correspondent, Matthew McConaughey, for his thoughts on the issue:
Me: Matthew, thanks for taking some time to talk about this. What do you think about Michael Phelps recent run-in with the media?
MM: Look here bro’, this is just a bum rap. [Giggles]. Man, can you imagine what it would be like if bums could rap? I would totally pay to go to that concert—they’d be all, “Yeah, that’s right, I’m a bum, so give me some money so I can buy some rum…” [Laughs].
Me: Ok, but what does that have to do with Michael Phelps?
MM: Oh yeah, see the thing about that is, a person should be able to do what they want in the privacy of their home without worrying about it ending up on the internet. Like, say somebody wants to smoke out a little bit at their house, then they need to play some naked bongos. Who’s to stop them?
Me: I’m gonna guess the cops.
MM: [Laughs, then giggles followed by more laughs]. Yeah, I guess you’re right. That’s pretty funny.
Me: So, do you think that the pressures of celebrity can drive someone like Michael Phelps to use marijuana?
MM: Man, you can’t drive someone to use marijuana. I mean, you can drive to their dealer’s house to buy some weed, you can drive through Jack In The Box at 2 a.m. for some snack, and you can drive really slow when you’re high, but this dude probably just did it ‘cuz he wanted to try it.
Me: So you think it was just curiousity, or him trying to fit in?
MM: Man, whatever…..[Giggles uncontrollably].
Me: Hello?
MM: Right, say do you know where I could get any of those fried things you talked about in your state fair post? I’m jonesin’ for some strawberry waffle balls.
Me: Look, I’m trying to ask you about Michael Phelps and his drug use, can you focus here?
MM: Hey man, don’t be so harsh, we’re all just rolling around on this planet trying to have a good time. If you ask me, it makes sense–dude was eating 13,000 calories a day while he was at the Olympics. Now that he’s not working out like that, how’s he going to keep up that level of eating? The munchies. Yeah buddy, the best way to stay on a steady high calorie diet is to burn one every few hours.
Me: So, let me get this straight, the whole reason he smoked pot was to keep himself hungry?
MM: You got it…hungry is as hungry does. Seriously, though, you got any of those waffle balls? [Giggles] Heh, heh, balls.
There you have it, Phelps’ new hemp hobby is nothing but a poorly-planned attempt to keep his metabolism up in the off season. And if that’s bong, then Phelps don’t wanna be right.
