CNN reported that when Barack Obama arrived at his new desk in the Oval Office, he found a letter from his predecessor, George W. Bush. By calling in a few favors and offering a couple of bribes, I have managed to get a copy, the text of which I present to you below:
Dear Obama,
Welcome the the Oval Office! You may not know this, but the office got it’s name because it is shaped like an oval, which is weird because I thought it was shaped like an egg. But anyways, that’s not my point. I wrote you this letter to offer you a few words of advice on being President. Please take these to heart, and keep them in mind as you start your new job:
1) Never ignore your Cabinet. A Cabinet is one of the most important things that a President has going for him. When I was in an impossible situation, or I had a tough decision to make, I would always look to my Cabinet for inspiration or ideas. Now, I know that you will want to pick your own, but the Cabinet I used was in a storage closet outside of the Oval Office. I put a lot of my favorite things in mine, like candy, Cokes, and some cool “Mission Accomplished” stickers that had a screaming eagle carrying a snake in his talons. I also kept some of my favorite baseball cards in there. So, when I got in a tight spot, I’d sneak down there for a quick Jolly Rancher and a look at my autographed Nolan Ryan rookie card. That usually put me on the right track.
2) Be careful! Being President is really dangerous! I mean, the Secret Service is really good at their jobs, but they can’t protect you 24 hours a day. Most especially, be sure to chew thoroughly! Sometimes, like say you’re eating a pretzel and you think it’s ok to swallow—chew a couple more times just to be sure. When in doubt use my motto: If it’s goo, then you’re through, if its crunchy chew it a bunchy.
3) Don’t neglect your Vice-President. VPs are like dogs, if you don’t give them attention and play with them, they can get real lonely. Some of my best White House memories are of me and Cheney hanging out in the Oval Office, playing with his invasion of Iraq model. Man, he loved to drop those plastic nukes all over the Middle East. Also, it’s a common fact that most Vice-Presidents really like to be scratched behind the ears, so don’t forget to do that.
4) Have fun! Being President means that you get to play with the coolest toys ever! You get your own plane, helicopter, limo, lots of black Suburbans, and they will let you fly a fighter plane if you ask really nice. Plus, you can bully around Congress and call them into joint sessions if you get mad at them, so don’t forget to do that too!
Most of all, don’t forget to take time for yourself and your family. Feel free to give me a call if you need anything, my schedule is pretty clear for the next four years or so. LOL!
Your friend,
W.
P.S., the toilet next to the Lincoln Bedroom doesn’t flush right, so make sure you jiggle the handle. Also, no one has seen Cheney since January 19, so there’s a good chance that he might be hiding in a “secure location” somewhere on the White House grounds—you probably should keep an eye out because he likes to jump out and scare people.
