The Bored of Edjucation

Well, it’s summertime in Texas, which means two things:  (1) it’s hot enough to cook eggs on the sidewalk (which is still more sanitary then Denny’s) and (2) it’s time for the State Board of Education to try to dismantle another branch of curriculum.  Last year’s struggle was over science.  The big debate was whether teachers should be required to spend equal time teaching intelligent design versus evolution.  Luckily, for all of us, they decided to stick with evolution as the mainstay.  So, what’s on this year’s plate?  Social studies.

Now, many of you might be asking, what’s the worst that they can do?  After all, much of social studies is based on history and fact.  Well, you’d be wrong.  In helping to design the curriculum, the state appointed six “experts” to review the current lesson plans and determine what every child would be learning.  So, certainly these would include educators, people with curriculum experience, and scholars of history and government, right?  Well, yes and no.  Certainly, there are qualified historians and professors, but then there is also Peter Marshall, an evangelical minister, and David Barton, a Republican activist.  Congressman Smokey Joe Barton (R-eally?) has also weighed in.  Their recommendations, which include dropping Thurgood Marshall and Cesar Chavez from curriculum have drawn the ire of many.  So, to get the story, I thought that I would sit down for a few words to get to the bottom of this:

Me:  Gentlemen, thanks for joining me.  I just wanted to find out a bit about why you made the recommendations that you did.

DB:  Well, our goal is to rewrite the standards to focus on what the founding fathers intended–a Christian nation based on biblical principles.

PM:  Exactly, by interjecting these more recent historical figures, they are ignoring the principle that our great nation was founded upon:  that only rich white men get to be famous.

Me:  So, you’re telling me that you think that social studies should only focus on famous white men?

DB:  Well, not per se, but in practice, yes.  I mean, can you name me one significant person who has done anything in this country that wasn’t a white Christian male?

Me:  What about Thurgood Marshall?

PM:  Don’t even get me started.  All he did was win some case and get schools desgregated.  If the Founding Fathers had wanted integration, they would have put it into the Constitution.  I don’t see it in there anywhere.  Plus, as a Supreme Court judge he was a judicial activist, and he made policy, not law.  We don’t want our kids growing up with the idea that judges get to make policy.

Me:  Sigh.  Ok, moving on.  What about Cesar Chavez?

DB:  I am so sick about hearing about this guy.  All he did was give us a salad named after himself.  Sure, it’s pretty tasty, and I really like that Southwestern Caesar at Chili’s, but is that enough to get them in the social studies book?  I don’t think so.  Not to mention the fact that caesar salads are notoriously high in fat.  With our kids’ obesity rates rising through the roof, I don’ t think that we should be encouraging unhealthy eating.

Me:  Really?!  A salad?  Ok, fine, what about Anne Hutchinson?  She was a colonial leader, an early advocate of women’s rights, and a supporter of religious freedoms.  She was also white.  Why doesn’t she pass muster?

PM:  Are you kidding?  It was all of those things that got her kicked out of Massachusetts in the first place.  That type of rebellion is unhealthy and I don’t want my kids learning about it.  It’s our job to teach social studies, not socialism studies.

Me:  Rep. Barton, anything to add?

JB:  Well, my complaint is about semantics.  All of these text books talk about our “democratic history,” ”democratic” ideals, and “democratic” processes.  Since we are really more of a republic, I think that we need to erase the word democratic anywhere that it appears and replace it with “republican.”  That way we won’t be teaching our kids the wrong thing.

Me:  Well, I’ve had enough of this.  Thanks for your time, I’ll let you get back to reading social studies textbooks.  Maybe some of it will rub off on you.

As you can see, the right wing is a flappin’ this summer.  But, like the high temps, let’s hope that these recommendations fade into something more moderate as the year goes on.

****Note:  No actual board members were interviewed, or harmed during the writing of this blog.  I can’t say the same for our educational standards.****

And on the 5th they rested…

In recent weeks, the bachelor-party drunken comedy, “The Hangover” took in its fair share of the box office.  What most people don’t know is that the plot of this movie was inspired by actual events that took place in our country about 223 years ago. 

Let me set the stage:  Philadelphia, PA, Friday July 5, 1776.  Our scene opens in Ben Franklin’s townhouse, with Thomas Jefferson, Franklin, Samuel Adams, and John Hancock lying on the floor throughout the room.  It’s clear that there was a party, as various powdered wigs, silver serving pieces, and all manner of dressing gowns are thrown across every surface in the room.  Jefferson, wiping the sleep from his eyes, struggles to get up, but settles for propping himself against the fainting couch nearby.

TJ:  (to the other)  Hey, hey you guys—wake up.  What time is it?

BF:  Not so loud, my head feels like one of those new-fangled steam engines is running loose in there–turbines pounding.

JH:  Wh—wh—what the hell happened?  (heads to chamber pot)  What is going on?  There’s a picture of the king at the bottom of this thing!!??

SA:  Has anyone seen my pants?

TJ:  Does anyone remember anything?  Last thing I recall is that we decided to have a big party here on July 3.  What time is it?

BF:  (calls to servant)  Wallace, please bring us some tea—and what time is it?

Servant:  (entering the room)  Well sir, it’s half past 11.

BF:  My goodness, we’ve been asleep for quite some time.

Servant:  Yes sir, Mr. Franklin, especially since today is the 5th.

All:  (in unison)  The 5th!!!  What happened to yesterday?

Servant:  Well, I can’t really say, but I know you had a bunch of people over here, lots of gentlemen, and then some ladies.

BF:  Well, that’s the last time I’m hosting a party to celebrate the king’s birthday at my house.  Just look at this place–it looks like something from the Virgina colony in here.

TJ:  Watch it fatty.  Not everyone’s a redcoated-neck down there.  I’ve never slept with my sister, maybe a slave or two, but never my sister. 

JH:  Ok, does anyone remember what happened here?  Last thing I recall was that we were out of beer, so we sent John Penn down to the ale house.  He came back for more money because the king had upped the taxes.

SA:  Yeah, after that I went home to get my stash of ale that I’ve been cooking up.  Then….it’s all fuzzy.

BF:  What was in that ale, Adams? 

SA:  I call it my summer stout.  It’s just your standard barley, hops, other grains, whiskey, laudanum, leaves from the coca plant, hemp leaves, and something brown that comes from my well.  By the way, does anyone see my pants, this is really weird.

TJ:  Way to go you idiot, you could’ve killed us.

BF:  (to servant)  Do you know what we did while we were in here?

Servant:  Not really.  I know you had a bunch of people over, then y’all signed a bunch of letters, then people passed out.  You all are the last ones to wake up.

BF:  Letters?  What were they?

Servant:  I don’t know, but you gave this one to me to keep.

BF:  (grabbing and reading).  Do you know what this is??!!!!  We declared our independence from the King!!!!  What did we do??!!!!  This is terrible.

Servant:  Well, I know you were really mad about that beer tax.  It’s all you could talk about.

JH:  Let me see that (grabs).  Why is my name the biggest??!!  Holy crap, I’m in trouble here.

BF:  (To servant)  Who else got these?

Servant:  Well, each person here took a copy, one went to the governor, one to each of the local papers, one to the King, and one to each of the colonies.

BF:  We are so screwed!  We’ve got to undo this.

TJ:  Well, I’d say it’s a little late for that.  Sounds to me like there’s nothing we can do but sit back and wait for the repercussions.  Well, I’d better mosey on back to Virginia.  Sounds like the redcoats might be heading to Philly first.

SA:  Yeah, I should probably jet too.  All I know is, after this party, my name will be synonymous with good beer.

JH:  Yeah, I’m probably going to lay low for a while, too.  I think my signature may draw some undue attention.  Let’s get out of here…

And the rest, as they say, is history.  We all know what happened next, after their hangovers wore off, the founding fathers rededicated themselves to the Revolution and ended up starting a little country that would become a beacon to the masses.  What’s the moral of the story?  Well, for one thing, don’t put brown stuff from your well into beer.  The other moral–who knows what crazy stuff can happen when you start the night with a cold tasty Sam Adams beer.

Commie, Commie, Commie, Commie, Commie, Chameleon?

Last night when asked whether Obama’s policies were socialist, Former President George W. Bush (R-etired) replied, “We’ll see.”  Interestingly, this sentiment echos the mantra from the right, that Obama is steering us into becoming the USA(SR).  According to many a pundit, the U.S. is headed from a pure capitalist society to a socialist-style commune complete with photos of Stalin.  In fact, they’ve ramped up the rhetoric to such a level lately that any day I’m expecting to see Lenin (V.I., not John) bust out of his tomb and catch a flight to D.C.

Unfortunately, I think people have conveniently forgotten a few steps that we’ve already taken on the thousand mile journey.  (To be clear, I’m not advocating for socialism, communism, or any change from our representative democracy, but geez people–look at the facts).  In fact, some of the longest-lived government programs could(SHOCKINGLY!!) fairly fall under the label of “socialist.”  So, before we hit Defcon 2 over at Fox news, let’s take a look at whether the U.S. is really being fooled by a secret commie.

1)  Medicare.  Let’s try an activity.  First, find someone over 65.  Ok?  Now ask them how much they pay for their own health care.  Chances are, the answer is going to be a lot less than you.  Why is this?  Because we pay part of our earnings each week to make sure that Edith can get that rash looked at and that Alfred’s yearly prostate screening only hurts his pride, not his wallet.  Yep, this system of taking wealth from people with the means to pay (you and me) and distributing it to those who don’t (the retired and elderly) sure doesn’t sound like pure capitalism to me, comrade.  But, anyone over 65 (who vote in record numbers) want to drop this safety net and cover their own costs?  Didn’t think so.

2)  Welfare.  Yeah, we’ve all got opinions about it.  There are users and abusers of the system, but if you need it, you’ll be glad that we have it.  This is another government-sanctioned wealth redistribution that literally throws a financial lifeline to some of our down-and-outest citizens.  Love it or hate it, no civilized society should leave the poorest of the poor to fend for themselves.

3)  Social Security.  They didn’t even try to hide the ball on this one.  In the late 1930s, the government created a federally funded retirement plan for all of us that we’re all paying for.  Did they try to disguise it by calling it “Mildred’s Federal Bingo Stipend” or “Sexagenarian Slush Funds?”  Nope, they put “Social” right in the title.  And ever since then, people have been pretty happy knowing that when they reach the magic age that they would get something to help them cover their monthly prune juice and Early Bird Special needs.

What’s my point with all this?  That we’ve had plenty of social(ist) programs in effect for a long time.  Just because the government is trying to take to figure out new ways to cope with our social problems doesn’t mean that we’re about to be callin’ Stalin.

Iran, you ran, Mahmoud ran.

It’s a hotly contested election, where young voters are turning out in record numbers to vote for a candidate who vows to unseat the entrenched conservative regime that has lost the backing of its people.  Are we talking about the U.S. in 2008?  Actually, no, we are talking about Iran, today.  It turns out that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doesn’t enjoy the overwhelming popular support that he would have the West believe.  Crippled with terrible financial decisions, the turning back of social progress, and an alienated middle class and young population, this election serves as a referendum of one of Bushie’s Axis of Evil states.  So, to get a little perspective on things, I thought I would get the opinion of our state’s own expert on all things conservative,  Governor Rick Perry (R-idiculously groomed hair).

Me:  Governor Perry, thanks for taking some time to talk with me.  I know that you’re busy running for the 2010 elections.  How’s your arm doing?

P:  Oh that?  Guess you could say I just temporarily lost a little right wing support.  Should be back to normal soon.

Me:  So what do you think about Iran’s election?  Sound like an exciting time over there.

P:  Yeah, I mean, ever since they got rid of Saddam, things have really been moving forward.

Me:  Actually, I’m talking about Iran, not Iraq.  Different country altogether.

P:  No, I think they’re the same thing, just different spellings.  Kinda’ like how Fox News spells the name Usama Bin Laden and those fellas at Commie News Network, CNN, spells it Osama Bin Ladin.

Me:  I’m not going to debate this with you.  Anyway, what do you think about the potential upset of hardliner Ahmadinejad by a more moderate artist and intellectual?

P:  Frankly, it makes me sick.  This is exactly the kind of touchy-feely crap that has screwed up our Washington politics.

Me:  Hold on a sec.  You’re telling me that you support the extremist views of this guy?

P:  You say extremist, I say conservative.  I mean, this guy’s anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-women showing their faces in public, and pro-execution.  If he were running in Texas, I might be sweating it out a little bit.

Me:  What about the fact that he’s called for the extinction of Israel?

P:  Sure the Bible says to love thou neighbor, but don’t we all have problems?  I mean, I could do without Vermont, New Hampshire, California, and all them other hippy states.

Me:  You’re supporting getting rid of a number of U.S. states?  That seems pretty crazy.

P:  It’s not like they bring anything to the table, the only things those places have given us are maple syrup, movies, and hippies.  And I hate all three. 

Me:  What about on pancakes and French toast?  No syrup?

P:  You mean pancakes and ”Freedom Toast”?  I serve mine with Lone Star beer–Texas made, Texas tasty.

Me:  Back to Iran, any last-minute advice for Ahmadinejad about winning or losing gracefully?

P:  Yeah, if you win, it’s because it’s God’s will.  If you lose, it’s because the dirty liberals rigged it to try and socialize your way of life.  And if you don’t win, don’t give up.  Like I always say, if at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

Me:  Don’t you mean succeed?

P:  Nope.

Ok, well thanks, as always, to the Governor for sharing his insight with us on the important political event.  Good luck with whatever it is that you want in 2010.  As for Iran, I hope that this election is a catalyst for the social change that the people are seeking.

Chain Chain Chain….Cheney of Fools.

Recently, Dick Cheney has stepped back into the public eye to go on the offensive about waterboarding and other “enhanced interrogation” techniques approved and used by the Bush Administration.  Interestingly, these appearances bring an important question to the minds of all Americans:  How is Dick Cheney still alive? 

Let’s look at the facts.

1)  Dick Cheney has had more heart attacks than all of the members of the North American Fried Food Addicts Association combined.  Remember back to five years ago?  Not a week went by that we didn’t have some report about Cheney being in the hospital for an infarction-this or an angio-that.  That dude’s arteries are more clogged than California’s freeways.

2)  Dick is not the most careful with weapons.  It was only a few years ago that Mad Dog Cheney blasted his buddy in the face witha 12 gauge during a hunting accident.  And that’s one that we heard about.  If he’s willing to shoot a friend for fun, just imagine what he was willing to do to people he didn’t like.  There’s probably a couple of detainees in Gitmo that did nothing more than give him bad service at his favorite all-you-can-eat chicken fried steak joint.

3)  He no longer has a secure location.  Since 9/11, anytime there was a credible threat, an incredible threat, or a butterfly on the NORAD radar, Cheney was whisked off to a “secure location” so that he could continue the chain of command in the event of some catastrohic attack.  Coincidentally, most of these “threats” seemed to occur when the Dickster said or did something that was politically unpopular.  Not surprisingly, the current adminstration is putting together their own plans to deploy Biden to a secure location anytime one of his gaffes rises to the level of being more than “mildly offensive.”  Unfortunately, since Cheney was wheeled away from the Capitol after his Vice-Presidency, he’s had to fend for himself.  No one sends him to a secret location when he says something, although I bet there are many in D.C. who would like to find somewhere quiet to leave him in seclusion.

Defying all odds and living well past his nine allotted lives, the former VP keeps sticking his nose into the country’s business.  For those of you who didn’t get enough of him in the last eight years, enjoy.  For the rest of us, please submit your ideas on where to send him for a “goodwill” mission on behalf of the US.  I hear that Iraq and Afghanistan are very lovely this time of year.

EVERYBODY PANdemIC!!

Well, unfortunately for the rest of the U.S., Texas did not secede fast enough.  Instead we presented our northern neighbors with a little “not-going-away” present—the Swine Flu.  If you’ve been watching the news for more than 1.6 seconds in the last week you know that hundreds of people throughout the US have been killed hospitalized mildly inconvenienced after being diagnosed with this disease.  Never ones to let the facts get in the way of a good story, however, the media has declared swine flu the next great plague and would have everyone donning germ masks and Lysoling anything that came within 15 feet of them.

So, to help stop the spread of panic, if not the disease, I thought I would tackle a few misconceptions about it:

1)  The Origin.  Sure, no one knows exactly where it came from, but we can rule out some of the whackier theories.  First, it was not a biological warfare attack, so stop acting like it was you conspiracy theorist nutjobs.  Second, it is not the fault of the Obama administration.  Yes, I did read an article where someone tried to blame Obama who, because he is secretly a Muslim secretly outlawed the importation of pork, leading to an increase in the population of pigs, which led to an increase in the virus. 

Putting away your tinfoil hats for a second, let me posit my theory:  divine intervention.  If you’ve been reading the news lately, you know that the top story was the marriage of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, the two most visible and least useful alumni of the tv show The Hills.  God, who reads all of the gossip pages, saw this and realized that he had to do something to prevent these two from procreating and producing a genetic reject so dumb that it actually reversed the course of evolution.  So, he created a virus in Mexico, their reputed honeymoon destination, hoping to waylay them and make them sterile.  Unfortunately for him it didn’t work.  Now, here we are cancelling schools and festivals in order to prevent another outbreak because these two boneheads were too stupid to get the flu.

2)  Transmission.  Ok, you can’t get the swine flu from eating any kind of pork products, so don’t toss that BLT or ham and cheese.  Instead, you get it one of two ways:  (1) from interacting with an infected swine; or (2) from interacting with an infected person.  Thus, if you happen to share an apartment with a pig who has been running a fever lately you might want to head to the doctor.  Same rule applies if you live with a roommate who has been alternating between coughing, sneezing, and oinking.  Since prevention is key here, make sure that you act sooner rather than later in getting medicine.

3)  Treatment.  Unlike the regular flu, the swine flu has the added complication of being from pigs.  So, in addition to our human medication you have to treat the virus pig-style.  Now, what does a pig do when it is sick?  It lays in the mud, oinking and groaning until it feels better.  If you find yourself infected, don’t delay–head to the doctor for your medicine, then make yourself a nice mud pit in your backyard, bathtub, or living room.  In addition to healing your flu, it will have your skin looking ten years younger.  Think of it as a spa treatment for your inside and outside.

Hopefully these facts will help everyone cope with this dreaded disease.  Through common sense, mud baths, and a healthy dose of bacon, we can nip this pandemic before it spreads too far.  That way we can be prepared for the summer, which brings with it a heightened risk of monkey asthma, penguin laryngitis, and duck dysentary.  Happy healing!

How to Secede From The Union Without Really Trying

Having solved all of Texas’ other problems, Gov. Rick Perry (R-ed Stater all the way) is now going around making threats about Texas seceding from the Union.  Sadly, Rick is only the latest in a line of people addressing this topic.  See Hail the the Chuck?.  Unfortunately, Gov. Goodhair is ignorant (of history and of a number of other things), and has forgotten that, as a Republic, Texas had its fair share of problems:

1)  Mexico Didn’t Like Us.  The whole impetus for the Republic of Texas was the fact that we wanted our independence from Mexico.  Remember the Alamo?  So, in April of 1836 when Sam Houston ran roughshod over a garrison of sleeping soldiers, we claimed that we had it.  The problem with that was that Mexico never really agreed.  Sure, we weren’t paying them taxes anymore, but that didn’t stop them from continuing to attack over the next several years.  In fact, Texas’ annexation to the U.S. brought about the Mexican-American war, in which the U.S. had to come in and fight to keep our land for us.  Sure, Mexico has recognized our sovereignty (as a state) since that time, but considering the large (and growing) Mexican population within the state, would anyone really be surprised if they decided to take us back if we left the U.S.?  I mean, given our almost daily reliance on yummy Tex-Mex food, the threat of losing access to fajitas and enchiladas alone would bring us to our knees.

2)  Texas was broke.  Another thing that most people forget is that when we entered the Union, it was due, in large part, to the fact that the U.S. was willing to forgo a large amount of debt.  Like the average American consumer, we had run up quite the hefty bill on some things we didn’t really need (like a gold-plated outhouse for the President and generous state sponsorship of the many topless bars around the new township of Houston).  Even Britain closed down our embassy because we couldn’t pay the rent.  So, in order to get our debts written off, we became a state.  Given our state’s continuing fondness for topless entertainment (the state bird is the Big-Breasted Robyn) and our propensity to spend big (Trans-Texas corridor anyone?) it’s very likely that any secession attempt would end up with us headed back to the trough for some federal $$$.

3)  Rick Perry ain’t no Sam Houston.  Back when we originally became a state, we had a real leader as President, Sam Houston.  By the time Sam got to Texas, he had been a Congressman and governor of Tennessee, raised by Native Americans, a drunk and a barfighter, a soldier, and a lawyer.  Once he got here, he turned a group of ragtag volunteers into an army and ended up defeating the (better equipped and trained) Mexican Army.  All this, and he was only in his early 40’s to boot.  In other words, this guy was kind of a badass.  On the other hand, our current governor has a less than stellar record book.  In fact, his major accomplishment as governor has been to consistently have the exact same unflappable and bulletproof hairstyle for the last ten years.  Certainly, this is no small feat, but a president, it does not make.

I hope that Rick will think about it a little longer before he goes off and drops the “S” bomb again.  History, and common sense, certainly aren’t in his favor.  In fact, the only thing that he really has on his side is Chuck Norris, and while Chuck may have the strength, cunning, TV experience, and courage of many men, you can’t just roundhouse kick your way to successful secession from statehood.

Take Another Little Pizza My Heart Now, Baby…

Ah, the overshare. One never knows when it’s going to come up and take you by surprise.  For me, last night was one of those times.  There I was, sitting on the couch trying to figure out what I was going to do for dinner when it hit me—how about a delicious, unhealthy pizza meal from Domino’s?  So, I jumped up, grabbed the phone, and started dialing.  Two minutes later, I had a medium pepperoni and mushroom with a side of cheesy bread on its way to my door.  As I sat and watched the minutes tick by, my thoughts happily turned to visions of dipping sauces and Parmesan cheese covered slices.  Then, I heard it—a car door slammed outside!  I ran down the stairs, flung open the door, and what to my wandering eyes should appear but a 107 year old delivery guy who was very very very slowly drawing near.

“How are you?” I called to him as he shuffled his way towards the door.  “Fine,” came the reply, “in fact, I’m doing really well considering that I just had a quadruple bypass surgery in December.”

“Ok,” I thought to myself, “that’s more than I needed to know, but whatever—soon the savory flavor of pepperoni will take all my cares away.”

Instead of just delivering, however, he continued.  “Yep, I’ll tell you, the old ticker’s got all new plumbing.  They just basically did a roto-rooter in there, but now I’m purring like a sports car.”

“That’s great,” I told him, “you really seem to be getting around pretty well.”  “Unfortunately it’s at 0.03 mph,” I thought to myself.

“Well, you have to walk after something like that—builds the muscles back up,” he interjected.  “Take me for example.  This last heart attack was my third one.  Plus I’ve had a stroke.  You really gotta stay clear of those fatty foods, or it will get ‘ya. By the way, here’s your pizza.”

Thoroughly disturbed by the recitation of medical history I’d just received, I took the pizza and turned to walk back inside.  But he wasn’t quite through.

“Yeah, I used to eat whatever I want when I was your age.  But it catches up with you, boy oh boy.   After my second heart attack, I tried to really watch what I ate, but when I went into the hospital this last time, I had 100% blockage in all of my major arteries.  They said it was a miracle I was still going at all.”

“Well, I’m glad to see that you’re doing well,” I offered, “you have a good night.”

But it still wasn’t quite over….

“Yeah, they don’t tell you these things when you’re a young man.  But you really gotta’ start on it early.  And you don’t even want to know what happens to your prostate—-it’s like a balloon blowing up in there…”

“Well, I should probably get this inside before it gets too cold,”  I told him as I turned for the door.  “Good luck to you…”

“You too, son, enjoy that pizza..”

I headed into the kitchen, thoroughly turned off at my dinner choice—well, until I opened it at saw all of that delicious cheese smiling back at me.  “I’m young, I can go to the gym an extra time this week,”  I bargained as I heaped a couple of slices onto my plate.  Then I saw it–a container of marinara sauce peeking out from behind my cheesy bread.  That’s it, I said–that has tomatoes, which count as vegetables.  If I dip my crust into that, I’m practically eating health food.  Off I went to the couch to enjoy my feast.  And enjoy I did!

So, I guess the moral of this story is that there really is no moral.  Sometimes we have to think about things that aren’t too pleasant, but with a little rationalization, denial, and marinara, you can always find a way to enjoy yourself.

Don’t Call it a Skirt or You’ll Get Kilt…

Here I am, blogging on a train between Edinburgh and London, how very European of me! So far, our trip has been a great time. We started out in merry ole’ England, specifically London, and tried to see everything that city had to offer. But, then we fled the G20 summit and its protesters to Scotland for a heapin’ helping of haggis, haze, and hospitality. If anything, my trip has taught me that there are still quite a few cultural differences between us Yanks and our cousins across the pond. To illustrate, here are a few examples:

1) In England, a pound is a unit of money and a stone is a unit of weight. Why is this important? Well, let me give you two instances. First, if you are in a store and you order a half-pound burger, you are liable to be very disappointed with the size of your entrée, as you will only get what $ 0.75 will buy, which ain’t much. Another time this matters is if you are talking about people around you. For instance, if you are speculating as to the weight of the oddly anorexic lady standing in front of you in line and estimate that she’s about “60 pounds” she may be easily offended at your low estimate of her value on the open market. Not that this happened to me, twice, or anything.

2) Everything sounds cooler with an English accent. So there we were, sitting on the train waiting to depart from a stop along the route. The three-year-old in front of us suddenly pops off, “What in the bloody hell is going on ‘ere?” Normally, that would be an irritating outburst. With a British accent, however, it was a charming little slice of UK life.

3) Everything sounds even cooler with a Scottish accent. Throughout our time in Edinburgh (and on a day tour through the Highlands) we were exposed to all kinds of Scots. And the one thing that they all had in common was a great accent. Whether it was our tour guide railing against the English in his thick Scottish brogue, or the lady in the shop calling everything “wee,” a Scottish accent just gets the point across with just a little bit more umph. Luckily, the term “wee” is more one of affection than of size. This revelation came as quite a relief after I was directed to the “wee gents” room in more than one pub.

We’ve still got a couple of days left on our UK adventure, and I’m determined to do some more comparative cultural exploring before I head back to the States. But for now, I’ve got to hit the loo before I head up to the pub car for a pint and maybe a couple of quid worth of take away. Cheers!

I see London, but not France…

Well, we’re off to the UK for an old-fashioned England and Scotland vacation.  We expect the usual sites, Austin Powers, the Beatles, and lots of guys in skirts.  Of course, we’re planning to see all the old standards, Big Ben, Parliament, Buckingham Palace, and the Tower of London.  What I’m really excited about are the non-traditional sites that no one makes a point to see:

1)  The British Museum of Dentistry.  Not a lot of people know about this, but Britain features prominently in the history of teeth-pulling. This museum devotes all of its floor space to the chronological walkthrough of the UK’s oral history.  Luckily, it’s a short tour, as the Brits have made no signficant advancements since 1746.

2)  Sir Francis’ House of Bacon.  Lot’s of people know of Francis Bacon as a relatively outdated British intellectual, who may or may not have written Shakespeare’s plays.  What they don’t know was that his greatest invention was a little slice of pork heaven that bears his name.  What better place to try a BLT than in the joint where the B was invented? I can feel my arteries clogging as I type!

3)  The Original McDonalds.  Most Americans think that McDonalds got its start in California in the 1950’s.  Wrong!  It actually began in Scotland a decade earlier when Ian and Corin McDonald added a new feature to the menu of their roadside haggis stand.  They called it the Edinburger, and it featured a half-kilo of beef, three buns, and their special sauce, which was whisky.  Word soon got out and it made its way across the pond to America. Sure, some changes were made–the “Edinburger” became the “Big Mac” and the special sauce became thousand island dressing, but the stand still remains.  Most of all I just want to get my picture taken in front of their signature plaid arches.

We’ve got quite the itinerary to keep if we’re going to make all of these stops, but I’m confident that we can see everything we need to see, plus the REALLy good spots listed above.  So, if I can get a good internet connection, I will keep updating our progress.  Until then, cheerio!

A Cease-fire (of sorts)

Well, the mortgage war is over.  For now. I got confirmation that the mortgage company actually paid my taxes.  Luckily, I’m still within the time frame to return all of the religious vestments that I bought.  Like the end of all great stand-offs (Reagan/Gorbachev; Cheney/America; LC/Heidi), however, there is always a faint glimmer of conflict on the horizon.  So, stay tuned–2009 taxes are far from settled.

Hail to the Chuck?

As many of you may have heard, Chuck Norris has been talking recently about his belief that Texas will soon be seceding from the United States.  Yesterday, reports hit the wire that if the secession happens, Chuck will be throwing his hat in the ring for President of Texas.  Unfortunately for Chuck, there are some issues with his candidacy.  At the risk of a cowboy-booted roundhouse to face while I am sleeping, I thought that I would analyze a few problems with Mr. Norris’s candidacy:

1) Nationality.  Unfortunately for Chuck, he may not even clear the first hurdle for Presidency–as he is not from here.  It turns out that Chuck is a native of Oklahoma.  So, even if Texas did succeed in seceding, he wouldn’t make the first cut for President.  (This is assuming that any Constitution would require that the President be a native).  Sure, back in the ‘ole days of the Republic we didn’t have native presidents (Sam Houston), but since the only natives were barely in their teens that wouldn’t have worked anyway.  Plus, how could we ever trust someone from out-of-state?  Every year he might show up wearing orange for the annual OU-UT game, but if you looked into his eyes, you might see a little Boomer Sooner lurking.

2)  Lack of Foreign Policy experience.  Texans are going to need a President with a little bit of finesse in dealing with other world leaders, including our funny neighbors to the North–the Americans.  From what I have seen from watching Walker, Texas Ranger reruns on USA, Chuck’s foreign policy doctrine would include a preemptive karate strike against the head of state of any country that he might presume to be hostile.  Though many have forgotten, that is exactly how William McKinley started the Spanish-American war when he karate-chopped the emperor of Spain during a White House visit in 1898.  Do we want a repeat of this?

3)  Other Candidates.  In a state as wide-ranging as Texas, we are bound to have some other candidates.  For instance, we have two people living here right now who already have some Presidential experience (their last name rhymes with Tush).  To add to that, we have a lot of other movie stars and celebrities that I’m sure would line up to throw their hat in the ring:  Matthew McConaughey, Bill Paxton, ZZ Top, Tommy Lee Jones, Sandra Bullock, Kinky Friedman, and, of course, Willie Nelson.  Let’s face it, if there were ever a Nelson/Jones ticket, Chuck wouldn’t have a chance.

4)  Special interests.  Chuck has a history of taking money from special interest groups that might affect his judgment.  For example one only needs to look to late night infomercials to see that Chuck is merely a pawn for the Total Gym lobbyists.  Do we want a President who is too busy peddling an ab machine to take care of the problems facing our great state?  I think not.

So think about this while you are deciding whether or not to secede.  As for me, I’m going to turn off the lights, close the curtains, and hope that Chuck doesn’t read this.  Otherwise, I meet be getting a little Walker and some Texas Ranger to the head real soon.

The Taxman Cometh…

After a three-month silence, I have decided to go public with my struggle.  I am at war with my mortgage company.  No, it’s not over my payments or my interest rate, or anything juicy like that.  Instead, I am fighting, unlike most Americans, to pay my taxes.  And so begins my tale of subprime customer service… 

Let’s start back at the beginning.  At the end of last year, I got notice that my current mortgage company (GMAC) was going to sell my loan to another local company.  For whatever reason, I guess GM needed money.  So, I called both companies to ensure that they would pay my real estate taxes (due on 1/1/09) out of the escrow account.  I was assured by both that they had the necessary paperwork and that the new company would be cutting a check.  Fool me once. 

 A month later, I noticed that no money had left my escrow account, so I called the new company back.  At that time, I was told that they didn’t show me owing any taxes and that they would have to put my file into “research.”  (I have since learned that this is a nebulous term that describes them giving a monkey a phone book and seeing if he can find out any information).  I offered to resend a copy of my tax bill, but they said they had it and didn’t need it again.  So, feeling reassured I let the matter rest for awhile.  Fool me twice.

A month went by and, again, I noticed that no money had changed hands.  So, feeling like a chump I called them back.  I talked to what sounded like a 17 year old kid who told me that, due to a banana shortage, the “research” hadn’t come back and asked for a copy of the bill, which I sent.  He then told me that he would alert his manager and that it would be paid “within a week or so.”  Fool me thrice.

Two weeks later, when I got the late notice from the county, I called them back.  “Oh,” I was told, “we don’t show you owing anything.”  I sent in the latest bill and was told, again, that a manager would be alerted and that it would be “handled.”  Since I had already fallen for this schtick, I decided to give them a week to deal with it.

Back to yesterday.  I called them to check, again, and this is what happened:

Me:  [repeats story from above minus the monkey references]…So, all I want to know is why nothing has been paid.  I’ve sent you the bill three times, called five or six times, sent several emails, and left several unreturned voicemails for your manager.

Rep:  Oh, well I see that the research has come back, and according to the county, you are tax exempt and owe nothing.

Me: [head explodes].  Are you FRIGGIN’ KIDDING ME???!!!!!!!  You have two different bills showing that I owe the taxes, one of which is a later notice and you are telling me that I’m tax exempt????  Do I sound like I’m a church?

Rep:  Sorry, sir, but we have to go by what the county tells us and not the written bills.

Me:  Ok, then tell me, specficially, who you talked to at the county and what they told you?

Rep:  I’m sorry, I don’t have that information.  But, we’ll put it back into research and I’ll alert my manager.

Me:  Oh, no, I’m not letting that research monkey throw darts at the phone book again.  Just get it paid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I then called the county and was assured that “No one at our office would have told them that you are exempt and do not have to pay taxes.”  I was then given the name and number of the tax office person to provide to the company, which I did:

Rep:  How can I help you?

Me:  Yes, this is the Rev. Jodysez calling to get the taxes paid on my church property.  Can you help me my son?

Rep:  I’m sorry, father, but we don’t show you owing any taxes.

Me:  Would I lie to you? 

I then gave them the info and was told, once again, that the manager would be alerted and that it would be paid.  So, here I sit in my robe and collar, praying for the day that I (and my flock) can rest easily knowing that the taxes have been paid.  Until I get confirmation, however, I will continue to call, complain, and even curse a little bit at the complete and utter incompetence that is Nationstar Mortgage.  Barring that, please feel free to stop by the house on Sundays for services at 9:30 and 11.

Jindal Jangle

Last night, President Obama gave his first major speech since the inauguration.  The poll numbers are in, and most people who watched the speech thought that he did a good job.  But, what’s really burning up the tubes today is the response by Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal.   Interestingly, both Dems and Repubs were not so thrilled with his speech–some people have compared him the Kenneth the page on NBC’s 30 Rock.  Despite this criticism, many people still see Jindal as a potential candidate for the 2012 presidential election.  With that in mind, I thought I would ask Jodysez’s favorite Republican Gubernatorial Affairs Correspondent, Sarah Palin, for her thoughts:

J:  Hi Governor Palin, we haven’t heard much from you since the election.

SP:  Well, I’ve been busy trying to get back to my life in Alaska.  Those elk don’t hunt themselves you know.

J:  A lot of people are criticizing Bobby Jindal’s response from last night.  How do you think he did?

SP:  You know, I think he did pretty well.  I’m not saying that he’s the most qualified, but it’s nice that we are giving him a chance to talk after what we did to his people.

J:  His people?

SP:  Yeah, the Indians.  We weren’t very nice to them–making them go on reservations and all that.

J:  I don’t think he’s that kind of Indian–not to mention that the preferred nomenclature is Native American.

SP:  In any event, I really love their casinos.  You put me in front of a buffet and I’m going to get my money’s worth.  Todd and I went to one in South Dakota when he was there for a snow machine race.  I won $4.79 on a penny slot, it was a real thrill.

J:  Getting back to the response, what do you think about his complaints about the money being spent on volcano monitoring?

SP:  Well, I think he’s flat wrong.  Maybe Louisiana doesn’t care anything about volcanic eruptions, but here in Alaska they’re a HUGE deal.  I mean, just the other day I was in the grocery store when a volcano erupted and melted my car.  After bear attacks, frostbite, and suicide, volcanoes are the number four killer of Alaskans every year.

J:  There’s been a lot of speculation about your running for President in 2012, do you think that Jindal represents a serious challenge to your nomination?

SP:  No, I don’t, and let me tell you why.  First, he’s completely inexperienced…I mean all he has ever done is to be Governor of Louisiana and…

J:  Let me stop you right there.  Are you really going to tell me that YOU think he doesn’t have the experience?

SP:  That’s right.  He’s never been the mayor of anything…much less a full time mom.  How is he going to juggle all of the responsibilities of the office?   Also, his state doesn’t border on any foreign countries, except Texas.

J:  We’ve been over this before, Texas isn’t a separate country.

SP:  Agree to disagree.  Also, he can’t seem to manage to prevent hurricanes from wiping out his state.  Did you know that since I’ve been Governor of Alaska, not a single hurricane has hit up there?  What about Jindal?  That guy takes office and it’s suddenly monsoon season down there.

J:  Do you really think that you’re the reason Alaska hasn’t gotten any hurricanes?

SP:  Well, part me and part our missile defense system.  Another thing, from what I can tell, he’s never shot at anything from a helicopter.  Until you’ve pulled the trigger from a moving aircraft, you can’t handle the responsibility of being commander-in-chief.  Ooh, do you think that chief thing might offend him?

J:  Again, not the same kind of Indian.

SP:  Well, anyways, he seems nice enough, but I don’t think he really has the maverick spirit that America is going to need in 2012.  It’s like I always say, there’s a fine line between gubernatorial and goober.

J:  I couldn’t have put it better myself.  Good night everyone.

Stimulus, a(n) “historical” perspective.

Well, Austria has weighed in on the stimulus package proposal.  No, I’m not talking about the Governator’s (R-Ca) motherland, but Ohio’s own Rep. Steve Austria (R-eally??), who recently gave a history lesson to the Columbus Dispatch.  In explaining the dangers that Stevie foresees with the government spending in the stimulus bill, he reminded everyone that:

“When (President Franklin) Roosevelt did this, he put our country into a Great Depression,” Austria said. “He tried to borrow and spend, he tried to use the Keynesian approach, and our country ended up in a Great Depression. That’s just history.”

Unfortunately for Austria, this isn’t history in the “literal” sense.  In fact, most historians, economists, lumberjacks, tow-truck drivers, police officers, homo sapiens, tree squirrels, mosquitoes, and extraterrestrials place the start of the Great Depression in or about 1929.  FDR, however, didn’t take office until 1933–four years later.  To top it off, the New Deal (which was actually a whole series of programs) took place well into the end of the decade and did stimulate both GDP growth and the creation of new jobs.

Sadly, Austria’s reaction is not an isolated incident.  It turns out that others in the GOP are reading from the same “history” book.  Indeed, Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison trumpeted similar facts in an op-ed a week or so ago.   Hutchison posited that the New Deal, “which suppressed competition and kept unemployment in the range of 9 percent to 16 percent, actually prolonged the depression by seven years. “  Unfortunately, her analysis ignores the fact that in 1933–prior to the New Deal–unemployment was at 25%!!!!  So, even taking her facts as true, during the time that the New Deal was in place, unemployment dropped at least 50%.

The real problem with all of this is that these are the stewards presiding over what will ultimately become about $800 billion in spending over the next several years.  I am not a mathematician–I stopped trying to learn in algebra class– but I certainly know how to realize that 1933 was after 1929, and that 9-16 < 25.  Just like you shouldn’t let a seven year old do your taxes (unless you are aiming for a prison sentence), we shouldn’t let representatives make decisions based on arguments that have no basis in reality.

Certainly, people will debate over the effects of programs like the New Deal, and whether it fixed the Great Depression, but those people are typically economists and historians who take things like proper dates and numbers into consideration.  All I’m saying is that when you are listening to the arguments being made, just take a little time to look at what they are really saying.  Maybe from now on, we should try to listen to someone with a better perspective on these things, maybe someone who knows a thing or two about adding and subtracting–like that counting dog on the Oprah show.

Stimulus, By the Numbers

It appears that the Senate has reached a deal on the stimulus package.  Under the plan, the government would be using a combination of spending, tax cuts, government pork, health care, and education as a “financial Viagra” to get the economy ready for action.  There’s been a lot of wrangling over the details (Dems favor spending, Repubs favor tax cuts, and Lieberman favors cutting spending on tax cuts), but everyone seems to agree that something is needed.  So, in honor of the “bipartisan compromise” (also known as political blackmail), I thought I would formulate a quiz to see what we know about the numbers:

1)  500,000,000.  Does this number represent:

a) The amount proposed to be spent on education;

b) The amount proposed to be spent on tax relief for those living under the poverty line; or

c) the number of Americans that Nancy Pelosi claims will lose their jobs each month if the stimulus isn’t passed.

If you had “C,” you’ve got it!  That’s right, Fancy Nancy recently told Congress that Americans would lose 500,000,000 jobs per month if the stimulus didn’t pass.  This is a truly incredible number, especially when you take into account that the U.S. population is only slightly more than 400 million. 

2)  60,475,688.  Does this number represent:

a) The amount set aside for farm subsidies in the Midwest due to falling commodity prices;

b) The amount earmarked for urban renewal in cities hard hit by unemployment; or

c) The number of negative comments that Rush Limbaugh and Fox News have made about the Obama administration since January 20, 2009.

Once again, “C” has it!  Ditto heads and Fox News fans wasted no time in giving Obama a hard time.  His hand was barely off the Lincoln Bible (or Koran depending on who you listen to) before the “Fair and Balanced” team and Limbaugh went into full-fledged right wing panic.  So far, they have accused Obama of everything from being a Communist dictator to an unpatriotic traitor due to his failure to wear a tie and jacket in the Oval Office (conveniently forgetting the pictures of Bush sans jacket).  Based on current projections, this “Negative Nellie Number” is projected to exceed the national deficit by the end of 2010.  Now that’s a change you can believe in.

3) 747,065,033.  Does this number represent:

a)  The amount of tax credits and rebates extended to small business owners;

b) The money allotted to aid and supplement state unemployement benefits; or

c) The money allotted to build the “Aretha Franklin Permanent Hat Exhibit” at the Smithsonian.

Well, the “C’s” made a clean sweep.  The stimulus sets aside quite a chunk of change to build a place to honor the headwear of the Queen of Soul.  The crown jewel (no pun intended) of this collection will be the Inauguration Day Hat worn by Aretha to sing “My Country Tis’ of Thee.”  Don’t look for this collection in the history museum, however, because the sheer size of her hats will require a spot next to the lunar capsule at the Air and Space Museum.

So, America, nothing to worry about.  Pretty soon the money is going to start heading your way, and the job offers will be pouring in.  If you happen to have special expertise in the design and building of hat-related exhibits, you should probably dust off your resume right about now.

The Bong Show

Michael Phelps is in hot water.  Perhaps more aptly, Michael Phelps is in bong water.  Instead of swimming his way to the gold, Phelps has recently become the newest cover boy for High Times.  Putting aside the issue of whether you agree with marijuana use in the U.S., we can all agree that Michael violated celebrity rule No. 1–don’t do something stupid/illegal with a camera around.  See Britney Spears Meltdown ‘08.  But, like the good celebrity that he is, Michael has apologized and asked for forgiveness.  This incident got me thinking, so I called up the Jodysez Pharmaceutical and Recreational Substance Correspondent, Matthew McConaughey, for his thoughts on the issue:

Me:  Matthew, thanks for taking some time to talk about this.  What do you think about Michael Phelps recent run-in with the media?

MM:  Look here bro’, this is just a bum rap.  [Giggles].  Man, can you imagine what it would be like if bums could rap?  I would totally pay to go to that concert—they’d be all, “Yeah, that’s right, I’m a bum, so give me some money so I can buy some rum…”  [Laughs].

Me:  Ok, but what does that have to do with Michael Phelps?

MM:  Oh yeah, see the thing about that is, a person should be able to do what they want in the privacy of their home without worrying about it ending up on the internet.  Like, say somebody wants to smoke out a little bit at their house, then they need to play some naked bongos.  Who’s to stop them?

Me:  I’m gonna guess the cops.

MM: [Laughs, then giggles followed by more laughs].  Yeah, I guess you’re right.  That’s pretty funny. 

Me:  So, do you think that the pressures of celebrity can drive someone like Michael Phelps to use marijuana?

MM:  Man, you can’t drive someone to use marijuana.  I mean, you can drive to their dealer’s house to buy some weed, you can drive through Jack In The Box at 2 a.m. for some snack, and you can drive really slow when you’re high, but this dude probably just did it ‘cuz he wanted to try it.

Me:  So you think it was just curiousity, or him trying to fit in?

MM:  Man, whatever…..[Giggles uncontrollably].

Me:  Hello?

MM:  Right, say do you know where I could get any of those fried things you talked about in your state fair post?  I’m jonesin’ for some strawberry waffle balls.

Me:  Look, I’m trying to ask you about Michael Phelps and his drug use, can you focus here?

MM:  Hey man, don’t be so harsh, we’re all just rolling around on this planet trying to have a good time.  If you ask me, it makes sense–dude was eating 13,000 calories a day while he was at the Olympics.  Now that he’s not working out like that, how’s he going to keep up that level of eating?  The munchies.  Yeah buddy, the best way to stay on a steady high calorie diet is to burn one every few hours. 

Me:  So, let me get this straight, the whole reason he smoked pot was to keep himself hungry?

MM:  You got it…hungry is as hungry does.  Seriously, though, you got any of those waffle balls?  [Giggles]  Heh, heh, balls.

There you have it, Phelps’ new hemp hobby is nothing but a poorly-planned attempt to keep his metabolism up in the off season.  And if that’s bong, then Phelps don’t wanna be right.

Fairytales of the Fed…

Sit down, children, and I’ll tell you a tale of a special visitor that comes into your house at night.  Oh, heavens no!  It’s not a scary visitor..it’s the Toxic Asset Fairy, and she’s going to make all your bad investments good as new!

Long ago, in a land far, far, away, there were some people…ok, lots of people, and big corporations, that had bought a bunch of investments for a lot of money.  Some of these investments were backed up by mortgages that no one was paying, and others were based on a housing bubble that had already burst.  But, the people buying them didn’t care, because they were making LOTS of money, and no one was getting hurt.  Then, one day the Big Bad Recession Wizard came into town and cast an evil spell that made those investments worthless. 

“STOP SELLING THOSE INVESTMENTS,” he said, a with a flick of his wand, everyone was just holding all these documents, that weren’t worth the paper they were printed on.  For a time, everyone was really sad.  “What will we do with our pretty investments?” they cried.  “We used to make 25% a year on these things, and now they’re worthless!!  We’ll never be able to get rid of these things!!” 

 But, that didn’t stop them from trying—first they went to neighboring villages to sell them.  Sure, they sold a few to people who didn’t know about the wizard’s visit, but they still had lots left over.  Then, they tried to put them together into bigger packages and sell them for cheaper, but no one wanted to buy those, either.  No one knew what to do, until one night, a villager decided to use his investments to prop up his pillow.  “Why not,” he said as he shoved a ream of junk CMOs under his head, “these things aren’t good for nothin’ else anyway.”  Well, what do you think happened?

That’s right, bright and early the next morning he woke up with a neckache.  “Stupid papers!” he cried as he flung his pillow.  And then he stopped.  Staring back at him was a thick pile of clean new green money where his papers had been last night!!!!  He pondered for a minute, then grabbed the cash and headed off to a big sale at the local electronics store.  Soon, word began to get around that someone had money and was currently loading up on bargain basement flat-panel tvs.  People found him, and he told them the story of how his worthless junk became money while he slept.  

Well, that very night, you can bet that everyone else in town put their nasty assets under the pillows.  And what did they find the next morning?  What’s that–I didn’t hear you?  That’s right, cash!  And lots of it!  Soon, they all had money and were out spending it all over the place, and the town was saved. 

So what did we learn from this story kiddos?  Well, if you’re a good little boy or girl and you get your hands on some worthless securities, just put them underneath your pillow and go to bed.  That night, while you are sleeping, the Toxic Asset Fairy will come along, take those papers, and leave you a nice pile of cash in its place.  And everyone will live happily ever after!

Let’s Face[book] the Truth

Dear Facebook,

Jodysez is irritated.  [Posted two seconds ago.]  Jodysez has thrown a blog post at lots of people. [posted 1 second ago]. Jodysez is off on a rant. [Posted moments ago].

Ok, first I’ll start by admitting that I, like 46 million other people of my generation, am a part of Facebook.  That should really not come as a surprise to anyone, since quite a few readers end up here after clicking through my page.  But, with that being said, lately I’ve noticed a few trends that have me wondering if maybe it’s time to change my status to a permanent “Away.”*  So, in no particular order, here are a few things that might make our virtual friendship a little stronger:

1)  Obscurity.  I do like that Facebook allows me to reconnect with people from high school, college, etc. and find out what they are up to.  It’s nice to see people that I haven’t seen in a few years all grown up, with lives of their own.  But, many of my recent requests are people that I literally have no recollection of, or only met for about five minutes fifteen years ago.  Take this recent exchange:

New friend:  Hi, how are you?  It’s been a long time!

Me:  Don’t take this the wrong way, but I have absolutely no inkling of who you are.

New friend:  LOL, you were always so funny!  I sat three rows behind you in 9th grade geometry and one day I borrowed a pencil from you.  So, what have you been up to since then?

Me:  Right, yeah, nothing much new.  Never did get that pencil back, though.

2)  Poke, Superpoke, etc.  This little feature also creeps me out.  I’m going to be honest, folks, if I only knew you as a friend of a friend who I met one time, and haven’t seen you since then, I’m going to be weirded out when you “Celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day by taking a bubble bath with me…”  I mean, I wouldn’t show up at your house and ask you to jump in the tub, so it’s no more acceptable to do it over the computer.  Also, the next person who “Throws a Thanksgiving turkey,” a “Kwanzaa chicken,” a “New Year’s duck” or similar holiday fowl is going to draw my wrath.

3)  Fan of/Joining causes.  In real life, I’m a big fan of a lot of things.  Similarly, I believe in a number of causes.  That being said, I don’t get pissed at anyone who feels differently about any of those things.  On Facebook, however, people seem to get really mad if you decline their invitations to share their interests.  But, let’s face it, just because I won’t become a member of “1,000,000,000,000 against wearing white after Labor Day,” a “Fan of Naked Barbeque Cooking” (which no one should be), or “The Spencer/Heidi Superawesome Fan Club”  when you ask me doesn’t mean that I don’t like you as a person.   Also, some of these things might reveal a little more about you than you want the general Internet public to know.

So, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I can get back to updating my status and looking at everyone’s newest posted pictures.  See you in the tub!

*I’m not really considering doing this, but it does lend some credibility to my rant.

A Lame Duck Letter

CNN reported that when Barack Obama arrived at his new desk in the Oval Office, he found a letter from his predecessor, George W. Bush.  By calling in a few favors and offering a couple of bribes, I have managed to get a copy, the text of which I present to you below:

Dear Obama,

Welcome the the Oval Office!  You may not know this, but the office got it’s name because it is shaped like an oval, which is weird because I thought it was shaped like an egg.  But anyways, that’s not my point.  I wrote you this letter to offer you a few words of advice on being President.  Please take these to heart, and keep them in mind as you start your new job:

1)  Never ignore your Cabinet.  A Cabinet is one of the most important things that a President has going for him.  When I was in an impossible situation, or I had a tough decision to make, I would always look to my Cabinet for inspiration or ideas.  Now, I know that you will want to pick your own, but the Cabinet I used was in a storage closet outside of the Oval Office.  I put a lot of my favorite things in mine, like candy, Cokes, and some cool “Mission Accomplished” stickers that had a screaming eagle carrying a snake in his talons.  I also kept some of my favorite baseball cards in there.  So, when I got in a tight spot, I’d sneak down there for a quick Jolly Rancher and a look at my autographed Nolan Ryan rookie card.  That usually put me on the right track.

2)  Be careful!  Being President is really dangerous!  I mean, the Secret Service is really good at their jobs, but they can’t protect you 24 hours a day.  Most especially, be sure to chew thoroughly!  Sometimes, like say you’re eating a pretzel and you think it’s ok to swallow—chew a couple more times just to be sure.  When in doubt use my motto:  If it’s goo, then you’re through, if its crunchy chew it a bunchy.

3) Don’t neglect your Vice-President.  VPs are like dogs, if you don’t give them attention and play with them, they can get real lonely.  Some of my best White House memories are of me and Cheney hanging out in the Oval Office, playing with his invasion of Iraq model.  Man, he loved to drop those plastic nukes all over the Middle East.  Also, it’s a common fact that most Vice-Presidents really like to be scratched behind the ears, so don’t forget to do that.

4) Have fun!  Being President means that you get to play with the coolest toys ever!  You get your own plane, helicopter, limo, lots of black Suburbans, and they will let you fly a fighter plane if you ask really nice.  Plus, you can bully around Congress and call them into joint sessions if you get mad at them, so don’t forget to do that too!

Most of all, don’t forget to take time for yourself and your family.  Feel free to give me a call if you need anything, my schedule is pretty clear for the next four years or so.  LOL!

Your friend,

W.

P.S., the toilet next to the Lincoln Bedroom doesn’t flush right, so make sure you jiggle the handle.  Also, no one has seen Cheney since January 19, so there’s a good chance that he might be hiding in a “secure location” somewhere on the White House grounds—you probably should keep an eye out because he likes to jump out and scare people.