Turning Over A Newt Leaf

Currently, some of the the remaining 2012 Republican Presidential candidates are starting to suffer from some image issues.  Their constant infighting has some worried that this primary season will be damaging to the Republican brand.  In fact, these current candidates are starting to closely mirror all of the candidates that were around at this time in 2008, which didn’t turn out so well for most of them.  For example, right now there is a serial philanderer who cheated on his cancer-stricken wife, a Washington insider with big money ties, an outsider conservative with some extreme  ideas, and a family-values candidate who wants to focus only on social issues.  And that’s just Newt Gingrich. 

There’s also Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and Rick Santorum.  With that in mind, plus what they have shown us through the 487 debates so far (how can there still be issues to debate?), I thought I would take a stab at helping the candidates write some snappy campaign ads that counter some of the perceived weaknesses that their opponents have attempted to highlight.  If anyone from the campaigns wants to use these ideas, just shoot me an email and we can work out some sort of licensing agreement.

1) Mitt Romney.

Scene opens with Mitt standing in front of a swimming pool wearing a suit with  short pants and short arms.  He looks to the camera:

MR:  You know, a lot of people say that I am nothing but a robot–a non-feeling soulless being with no heart.  Well, I’m here to prove them wrong.  First, let me just go on record as saying that I am not, and have never been a robot.  I was born of two human parents, in a hospital, and I don’t have any electronic parts–unless you count my smart phone [winks and smiles].  To put these complaints to rest, I am producing my birth certificate, which, although doesn’t specifically state that I am human should be good enough since, in 1947, the State of Michigan didn’t give birth certificates to robots [winks awkwardly].  But, even if that’s not enough, I am going to prove it right now.  If I were a robot, my electronic parts couldn’t be exposed to water without malfunctioning, so [gestures to pool], let me set the record straight.  [Jumps into pool while yelling "Cannonball."  Ad cut to Romney, now dry with hair perfectly in place].  See, Mitt Romney, not a robot because he can jump into water.  Also, even though I could afford to build a robot likeness, I just wouldn’t do it because I already have plenty of human servants to meet my every need. [Winks and smiles].

2.  Rick Santorum.

Scene opens with Santorum in typical sweater standing in front of a fireplace.

“Now a lot of people will tell you that I am intolerant and hostile to the gays.  That’s just not true.  The reason that I don’t think that they deserve any rights is not because I am hostile, but because I think that they are less human than the rest of us.  I mean, the idea of two sweaty, unclothed men [15 second pause while gazing into the distance] Sorry, where was I?  Oh yeah, I mean if I were hostile to gay people, would a coffee shop in San Francisco asked me to endorse the Santorum latte? [Picks up cup and presents to camera].  That’s right, they made it just for me, with extra foam and cappucino swirled whip cream.  [Drinks it and leaves behind whip cream and coffee moustache].  I didn’t ask them to do this, they chose me to endorse it.  So, I can’t be all bad, right?  Rick Santorum, loves lattes, not hostile to homosexuals.”

3.  Newt Gingrich.

Newt stands in front of an American flag in a blue suit, with the Star Spangled Banner playing.

“My opponents and the biased liberal media have tried to drag my personal life into politics, where it has no business.  In fact, I can’t think of a single time in American history where a President, or a candidate’s, sex life has ever been a relevant issue to anything in this country.  But, if we are going to address it, I want to set the record straight.  Did I cheat on my wife?  Of course not.  Everyone knows that by not responding to my open marriage questions, she consented.  Also, I am following a long line of former Presidents who had their own mistresses.  This is a proud American tradition that I am honored to uphold.  Finally, there is nothing hypocritical about me running as a family values candidate.  As President, I will live by the mantra, “Do as I say, not as I do.”  In fact, it is my pledge to you right now that my behavior will be so ridiculous, and my decisions so bad, that no one will ever question whether they should follow my lead.  I’m Newt Gingrich, and as President, I vow to have a great time with not only the First Lady, but also the Second, Third, or Fourth ones.”

4.  Ron Paul.

Paul appears in a shadowy concrete room.

“Hello, I’m Ron Paul.  I can’t talk long, but I wanted to let you know that, if elected, I vow to singlehandedly take down our Big Government and dismantle the conspiracy between the Federal Reserve, the EU, the Illuminati, Wal-Mart, IHOP, and Dionne Warwick.  I can’t say more right now, just know that they are close by and they are running scared.   Elect me and I will open your eyes.  For now, I’ve said too much, Ron Paul out.”

I know that any one of these ads would certainly change the way I feel about them.  If nothing else, it would make the debates that much more lively.  Stay tuned, as the race heats up, I’m sure I will have plenty more to say.

What Not To Wear: Halloween Edition 3

Ok, so it’s been awhile since I’ve updated, or written anything for that matter.  I am trying to get better about that.  Plus, it’s not like there has been anything entertaining in the news lately.  Unless you count everything related to the 2012 election.  Admittedly, I am a day late for a Haloween post, but since it’s still Dia De Los Muertos, there is no reason that I can’t still have a little scare left in me.  With that being said, here are the hot topical costumes that I thought everyone should have been sporting this year.

1.  Politics as usual.  Once again, the top slot for this year’s costume choices seemed to be a bit more on the political side, probably because it seems like the Republican primary/debate season started in February of 2009.  Luckily, in the weeks leading up to Halloween, the Republican presidential candidates gave us a lot to work with.  For starters, Herman Cain put on his best Clarence Thomas impersonation when he denied, then sort of admitted, then denied again, his sexual harassment allegations. I feel like there’s got to be something there for a good costume. Of course, given his past life as a pizza exec, coupled with his 9-9-9 tax plan, I feel like Herman Cain pizza/tax delivery man would have been a solid choice.

Then, over the weekend, Rick Perry sent the comedy gods a gift when he embraced his inner giddy school girl to give a nonsensical speech in New Hampshire complete with jokes about tomcats.  No, seriously.  So, given this erratic and odd behavior, I’m seeing a Rick Perry/Charlie Sheen combo costume thats #winning all the way.  All you would need is shorts, warlock blood, a coyote pistol, and a perfectly coiffed mane to pull this one off.  Extra points for tomcat-themed accessories.  Jon Huntsman and Rick Santorum are locked in a duel over who can play a better invisible man/zombie, and Huntsman has the added challenge of reminding everyone that he is, in fact, a Republican.

2.  Terrorism.  It’s been ten years, and now with Osama out of the picture, it might be fair game for costume choices.  Then again, I’ve seen too many versions of a Where’s Waldo/Osama costume combo in the past to give that too many points.

3.  Celebrities.  Always a solid, safe bet.  This year, there are plenty of creepy gossip headlines to give us some ideas.  Courtney Stodden, teen bride to the creepy Green Mile actor, has been antic-ing her way all over the blogosphere, so I feel like she and her old man (literally) ought to get some costume play.  Unfortunately, a truly appropriate choice to illustrate their whacked out May-December relationship would require one person to wear a slutty schoolgirl outfit, and the other to wear a tracksuit and follow in a windowless van with “Free Candy and Babysitting” on the windows.

Then there is the Ashton Kutcher’s mistress(es) costume.  Based on what I am hearing, the possibilities are endless on these.  Finally, the fresh tragedy that is the Kardashian-Humphries (I hear he hyphenated) divorce.  Sure, she waited until Halloween to break this one out, but someone could have hammered something out.  For example, a Kris Humphries basketball uniform with one giant buttcheek (representing his 1/2 of her most lucrative asset) would have been pretty killer.

4.  Sexy/naughty.  Of course you can’t go wrong.  It takes an ordinary costume and makes it an ordinary, but slutty, costume.

So, what is my A-number-one-perfect costume choice?  Well, it sort of combines all of these into a single unifying costume.  That’s why trick-or-treaters at my house were treated to candy from Sexy Col. Moammar Gadhafi, 2012 presidential candidate for the American Zombie party.  That’s right, he represents that 99% of Zombies who remember the good old days in America, and don’t want the Government interfering with our right to enjoy BRRAIINS!!! Happy Halloween to all, and to all a good night.

Congress Announces Divorce

Washington, DC

Republicans and Democrats in Congress today announced a formal legal separation that would serve as a precursor to a full-scale Congressional “divorce” later this year.  This unprecedented move calls into question the legislative body’s ability to fulfill its constitutional duties and leaves open the question of how the United States will be governed. 

Congressional leaders had much to say about it.  Speaker of the House John Boehner tearfully explained, “First, we want to make sure that America knows that this isn’t its fault.  This really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.  Sure, everything seemed fine for a while, but we were just trying to save face.  These last few months, it just became clear that we weren’t the same people anymore.” 

 Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell echoed Boehner’s sentiment, “Look, we tried this thing for a couple of hundred years, but it didn’t work out.  With 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce these days, is it really any surprise that we couldn’t make a go of it?” 

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi was reflective, “I think the abuse that we suffered during the debt celing fight was the final straw.  Sure, there were still some good times–naming post offices, tacking on pork barrel projects to defense bills, but we just couldn’t take it any more.  We realized that we were all better off apart, and this is just the last step in making that happen.  Of course, finding out that they had been running around on us with that newer, trashy Tea Party group was too much to ignore.” 

Boehner downplayed the abuse allegations, saying that the Republican’s actions during the debt ceiling debate were done “because the Democrats forced us to act that way” and that “it was just because they loved America so much” that “they just got so mad.”  Boehner also offered that the Republicans are “really sorry” about their actions and promised that “it would never happen again.”

This Congressional parting leaves open the question of which party will represent the American people.  As Boehner explained, “Well, we are willing to let the American people choose who they want to go with in this separation.  Obviously, they could go with the Democrats, but with their out-of-control spending and socialist tendencies, this country would look like a bloated, bankrupt, USSR in a few years.  Plus, if they come with us, we promise to let them stay up as late as they want, watch dirty movies on Cinemax, and get them some new games for their X-Box 360.  Plus, wherever we end up will definitely have a pool, which they can use anytime that they want.”

In response, Nancy Pelosi laid out the Democrat’s case.  “He said what?  An X-Box, seriously?  Well, sure, they could choose to accept Republican’s cheap bribes, or they could stay with us.  Then, when the Republicans are out partying with their rich friends and those young, fast Tea Party types, we’ll be here to make sure that there is food on their table, that they get their homework done, and that they have a social safety net to fall back on.  Plus, under our compromise plan, they can get visitation with the Republicans on weekends, alternate holidays, and one month every summer.  Also, we will get everyone of legal voting age a new flat-screen tv.”

There are still logistics to sort out such as determining who gets the House and Senate chambers, and which party, if either, gets any financial support from the other.  Although Republicans say that they would like to stay in the Capitol, for now they are moving out into the Washington Hilton, “until things cool off a little bit.”

When reached for comment, President Barack Obama was apopleptic,  “They said they are WHAT??!!!”  He also vowed to visit with both parties to “get their a___s back in line.”  However, President Obama promised not to “rush into” anything and said that he would delay meetings with both parties until after he attended the Republican Congressional Pool Party at the Hilton on Saturday.

Ignorance is Bliss?

In 1973, Dr. Albert Einstein, Malcolm Jamal Warner, and Jerry Lee Lewis crowded into a smoky hotel room in Fresno, California for eight days on a mission.  When they had finished, they unveiled their new creation, which they dubbed, “The Internet.”  Little did they know what havoc their creation would wreak.  Only three years later, the members of ABBA, former President Richard Nixon, and a 9-year-old girl from Butte, Montana named Trixie revolutionized the Internet when they created a website called “Wikipedia.”

Think this sounds made up?  Then my post probably isn’t about you, because it is.  Now, my real gripe is about how, despite the fact that we live in a time where we have unprecedented access to information, people will believe some of the dumbest s**t that you can put in front of them.  Anyone who can create a twitter feed, facebook account, or blog can hold themselves out as an expert on any subject and, sadly, people are prone to believe them.

It wasn’t always this way.  It used to be that ignorance came in the form of forwarded emails, which were easy to delete.  Sure, there was the remotest possibility that Bill Gates might give you money for forwarding emails to people, but in our heart of hearts, we all knew it was too good to be true.  And, yeah, there might be a chance that flashing your headlights at someone might result in a gang intiation shooting, but the odds of that were low.  Luckily, there were websites like Snopes and even the occasional news outlet that would debunk these things.

But this isn’t really a post about the history of email stupidity.  It’s just stupidity in general.  It used to be that the Internet was a Wild West sort of place, completely unregulated, but also not a viable source of authoritative information.  Used to be.  Nowadays, you would be hard pressed to find too many people that look elsewhere for information.  Not to exclude myself, I haven’t seen a set of Funk and Wagnalls anything since I was writing a high school research paper, in the earliest days of the ‘Net.  With the trend toward online research and news, you would think that people would be able to discern what was reliable information and what wasn’t.  Turns out you would be wrong on that one.

Because the Internet is so unregulated, anybody can post anything.  Unfortunately, that fact doesn’t stop people from believing whatever they read.  Just look at how quickly the recent end-of-the-world religious group was able to get their message out across the internet.  Sure, most people just laughed at them, but there were a lot of folks that suddenly found themselves not making plans for late May.  It doesn’t just end with random weirdos and their own pages though.

For example, today the Wall Street Journal has an op-ed piece on its website about tort reform.  Now, I have very strong personal opinions about tort reform, and they aren’t particularly favorable–but 3 years of law school will do that to you.  But, I am always willing to listen to another legal practitioner or expert give their views on the subject.  So, who did the Wall Street Journal, one of the leading business publications in the world choose to talk about this subject?  A law professor?  A business analyst?  Some other scholar?  Nope, they chose Chuck Norris.

That’s right, Chuck Norris wrote an op-ed piece on tort reform, and the friggin’ Wall Street Journal published it.  That’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger writing a piece on delightful entertaining for Ladies’ Home Journal.  Or Gary Busey writing a fashion column for Vogue (not that I wouldn’t read that). 

The news is no better.  It used to be that journalists like Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow were among the most trust people in America.  Woodward and Bernstein actually brought down a presidency with their reporting.  Today, we have talking-head opinion programming that masquerades as news.  Yet, people don’t seem to care.  The fact that we had scores of Americans who, until recently, seriously entertained doubts about whether the President was an American citizen underscores my point.

In the end, all I am asking is for people to look at things a little more critically.  Just because someone on tv or the internet says something doesn’t make it true.  Do your homework people!  That’s exactly what Bob Barker said when he accepted the 1976 Republican nomination for the Presidency:

“If you want to know what Americans should do, it’s think for themselves and never stop learning.  Go out, learn, question, price it out.  We never know where the great wheel will land when it spins with our fate, but all we can know is what we don’t know and find a way to fill in those blanks.  Also, don’t forget to have your pets spayed or neutered.”

Jihad enough?

I will certainly admit that the US operation that killed Osama Bin Laden was big news.  Certainly some of the biggest news of the year, and likely of the decade.  Nearly ten years after September 11, it brings closure to a lot of people who deserve it.  Also, I am thankful for the heroic efforts of all of those involved in mission, both on the ground and supporting them.  They deserve our highest gratitude for their service and sacrifice.

That being said, I am tired of all of the talking-head “analysis” and “review” of the operation, the aftermath, and the rhetoric.  It is what it is, but, depending on which channel you listen to it was a heroic mission, a great policy failure, a violation of international law, or something else.

So, to get the real truth, I thought that I would put in a call to bin Laden himself, who, my sources tell me, is in Hell.  Not surprisingly, my AT&T plan didn’t allow me to directly dial hell (although, ironically, that seems to be the location of their customer service), so I set tried to set up an interview with OBL through other channels.  Apparently, they have a strict policy about these things, so I had to settle for an interview with Satan about the goings on there.  He agreed to sit down on the record and talk about one of his newest residents.

JS:  I appreciate you talking to me, as I know you have a lot going on.

S:  Not a problem, although I can’t talk long–you know they are starting to shoot a new season of Jersey Shore.  Although I don’t have a strict producer credit, let’s just say I have a hand in that whole process.

JS:  I can’t say that I’m surprised.  Anything else big on your plate?

S:  Well, I can’t comment on a lot of it, but let’s just say that I’ve got a really big interest in the whole Shake Weight thing, as well as more than a passing interest in a not-yet-announced presidential candidate who owes me big time, and any of the “Real Housewives of…” series.

JS:  Again, not a shocker.  Ok, well let’s get to Osama.  Can you confirm for us that he is, in fact, dead?

S:  Well, I haven’t seen the pictures, but I can assure that he’s fully moved in downstairs.

JS:  What’s Hell like for a new resident?

S:  Have you ever seen the Shawshank Redemption?  In some ways, a lot like that–in other ways, not at all.  For one thing, we do have uniforms, but men get to choose between Z. Cavaricci jeans or jorts.  Also, as soon as you get here, male or female, we cut your hair into a mullet, then make sure that it stays that way for all eternity. You’re also issued a walkman that you can never turn off that plays a loop of Michael Bolton, Kenny G, and New Kids on the Block songs nonstop.  Although we are kicking around the idea of adding that new Rebecca Black song to the mix.

JS:  Pretty harsh stuff.  What about the lake of fire and all that?

S:  Yeah, it’s kinda like that, but with global warming it’s not as different as you would think.

JS:  Back to Osama, I’m guessing he didn’t get the 72 virgins he thought he was promised?

S:  No, he did, but I think he was a little disappointed.

JS:  How so?

S:  Well, let’s just say that the best of the bunch is Chad, who was a 345-lb, 38-year-old virgin who lived with his Mom until he died in a freak Halo accident.

JS:  Got it.  Anything else that we should know about it?

S:  Yeah, there’s the mandatory tv–he has to watch an eternal tv loop including such gems as Cop Rock, Living Lohan, Cavemen, and the Real Housewives series.  Based on my involvement, I get a good deal on the syndication rights for all of these.

JS:  Yeesh.  I can imagine that he is really suffering.

S:  Believe me when I tell you that justice has been done.

JS:  Ok, well, I feel kinda weird about thanking you for your time, but at least you took a few minutes from doing evil to chat.

S:  No worries, I rarely get any gratitude.  In fact, I was snubbed from doing The View despite the fact that at least 3 and maybe 4 of those women owe me for much of their careers.  By the way, anything you might like to trade your soul for?

JS:  Not really.

S:  Just have to ask.

It sounds like OBL is settling into what sounds like a terrible eternity.  Frankly, it couldn’t happen to a more deserving person.

Book ‘em, SBOE

Today, I wanted to talk about an article that caught my eye.  It appears that certain members of the Texas Board of Education, ever the protectors of the faith, are taking issue with what they call a “pro-Islamic” bias in textbooks.  Some of them have come out publicly to warn textbook publishers to take away anything that they view as either pro-Islam or anti-Christian, or risk losing out on the lucrative Texas textbook market. (Say that five times fast).  Not one to sit idly by and ignore this type of shenanigans, I put Jodysez’s Religion in Textbook correspondent the Rt. Rev. Merv Maladroit on the case.  After a little investigation, he’s ready to defend their position and explain the hidden messages to the rest of us.

JS:  Rev. Maladroit, thanks for devoting your time to this.  Let’s get right to it, what are the type of passages that are offensive to the SBOE members?

MM:  Well, there’s plenty of them.  First, let’s look at an obvious one.  In some world history books, they talk about the “atrocities” of Christian soldiers without getting into the same terrible acts by the Islamic warriors.  It’s that sort of glaring bias that’s got everyone up in arms.  I have a real problem with the idea that a group would try to indoctrinate our youth by forcing their religion into our textbooks at the expense of truth and learning.

JS:  I can’t argue with your last point.   What else?  I attended K-12 in public schools and, frankly, I don’t really remember a whole lot of mention of Islam, Muslims, or otherwise in other subjects.

MM:  Ah, yes, that’s the sneakiness of it all.  I’ve brought a couple of books with me to show you some places where they have infiltrated our curriculum.

JS:  I’m on the edge of my seat.

MM:  Ok, for example, take this 7th grade algebra book.  [Hands over book].  I want you to turn to any page in there, and I will prove my point.

JS:  Alright, here we go….page 172.

MM:  Perfect choice.  Look at every single number on that page, including the page numbers.  Do you know what they have in common.

JS:  Not really, I was never great at algebra.

MM:  They’re all “Arabic” numbers.

JS:  Oh, here we go.

MM:  Oh boy, you got it.  Every number in any math book  in Texas is an “Arabic” number.  When I figured this out, I couldn’t sleep for months.  This is indoctrination, plain and simple.

JS:  Arabic numbers are the standards used throughout the US and much of the world.  How do you plan to change that?

MM:  I’m glad you asked.  We’ve come up with a new set of numerals, which are either representations of freedom-loving Americans or state flags of states with Republican governors.  For example, this problem on page 172 would now look like this:  Solve for “y” where (George Washington) = (Ronald Reagan) + (Texas flag) y /(Minnesota flag).  That way, our children learn math skills plus Real American history.  We call them Freedom Integers.

JS:  I think I can see where this is going.  Thanks for your time—

MM:  But wait, look at this crayon color that I found in a middle school art room–”Desert Sand??!!”  Who do you think came up with that color?  I would propose naming it “Shroud of Turin.”  And then this second-grade grammar book–just read that section.

JS:  ” I ran.  You ran.  He/she/it ran.”

MM:  Don’t you see?  It’s telling us to be afraid of Iran–to run away?  It’s all so CLEAR!!!!

JS:  This is only going to get worse, so I’m cutting it off here.  Thanks for your time.

If these sorts of shenanigans keep up, pretty soon a new generation of Texas high school graduates will be asking themselves, “What is it that our childrens is learnin’?.

30: The new 29

I’ve been in a philosophical mood lately.  You could chalk it up to a number of things–the birth of my daughter, another summer spent lamenting the end of summer vacations, or the fact that last weekend was, well, the last weekend, of my 20s.  It’s been a great decade for me personally and professionally, and it was witness to a lot of milestones.  For example, my 20s saw me graduate from college and law school, find a job, meet my wife and get married, buy and sell a first house, and have my first child.  That’s a lot of living to cram into 10 years.  The last decade has also been tough at times–I’ve lost family and friends, but let’s not dwell on that.

To avoid making this an elegy for my twenties, let me switch gears.  Staring down the barrel at 30 is a good way to get your facts in order and take stock of things.  For starters, I don’t have a list of accomplishments that I am going to rush out to complete this week, like a sitcom plot gone awry.  Looking back on how far I have come, I’d say that I crossed off more items than I ever could imagine putting on the list in the first place.   That’s a comforting thought, although it’s not like I am out of time to do anything anyway.  With my generation, there’s good chance that I will end up into my forties before I can truly say that half my life is over.

I also don’t know what to expect from the next ten years.  At 20, it was easy to forecast where I was headed.  I was one year away from college graduation, and that, coupled with a three-year law school, had my calendar booked up to 25.  Thirty’s not the same.  Sure,  there will be some memorable moments, but, for the first time, my next decade’s milestones are likely to measured by someone else’s progress.  There will be first steps, first words, first days at school, and plenty of other firsts that will keep me busy for the next ten years and beyond.  By the way, if I have any say (which I won’t), there won’t be any first dates until I’m crossing over into my fifties.

The best thing about that is how comfortable I am.  At 20, you’re still growing into your own skin.  Comfort comes in fits and starts.  At best, you can start something new and adapt quickly.  By thirty, I’ve managed to wear some tread off my tires.  I expect plenty of curveballs and surprises thrown my way over the next decade.  But, by this point, I’ve adapted.  My world isn’t full of the endless possibilities that it was ten years ago, but that’s a good thing.  It’s a lot of pressure trying to figure out what to do with the rest of your life.  By now, I’ve chosen my path and stuck to it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  There is something so wonderful about knowing where you will end up everyday at the end of the day, and knowing that it will be filled with the people who you love.

So what will I feel like on Saturday morning when the odometer rolls over?  Probably the same that I did on Friday night, but, hopefully, better rested.  To close, I will leave you with a quote from one of my favorites, Albert Camus (assuming that the internet attributed it correctly):

At 30, a man should know himself like the palm of his hand, know the exact number of his defects and qualities, know how far he can go, foretell his failures–be what he is.  And, above all, accept these things.

Words to live by for the next decade, the start of which I plan to celebrate with a cold beer, some good cake, and maybe a diaper change or two (and I don’t mean my own).

Spill Baby Spill…

The countdown continues until BP finds a way to plug the leaking oil gushing out into the Gulf.  Unfortunately for everyone, the countdown is rather open-ended, since BP hasn’t exactly figured out a way to effectively stop things.  People are clamoring for heads to roll, goats to scape, and for solutions to the current crisis.  While I’m not a petroleum engineer per se (although I have pumped a few gallons on gas in my day), I thought that I would weigh in with a few suggestions of my own about how to handle the leaky pipe.

1)  Do nothing.  Yeah, yeah, environmental impact, oil spill, blah, blah, blah.  Everyone is complaining about the damage to the coast and the beaches.  I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but every beach from New Orleans east to about Corpus Christi was already polluted and full of chemicals.  If people didn’t want to go to a beach that was covered in oil and chemical discharge, Galveston would have folded up shop long ago.  In fact, having grown up on that particular section of the Gulf, I was in high school before I realized that all beaches didn’t feature chocolate brown water with a rainbow sheen.

2)  Counterinject the areas with radioactive chemicals.  Sounds crazy?  Well, crazy like a fox maybe.  If people are really worried about the wildlife surviving the oil spill, what better way to toughen them up than to dose them with radioactivity a la the Incredible Hulk.  While a little oil may kill some poor weak fish, it’s only going to serve as a food source for a six-eyed 475 lb. nuclear flounder.  Ok, so maybe we find that there is a real life Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus scenario playing out, but they could certainly sell that onto pay-per-view.  Plus, with these giant mutant fish growing in the Gulf, the fishing industry will come back with a bang.  Can you imagine how much less seafood we will have to import when every shrimp that we catch is two feet long, weighs 14 pounds, and has to be subdued with a Taser?

3)  Move all cable news broadcasts to the Louisiana coasts.  If you had every TV talking head from Fox News, CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, Bloomberg, and Telemundo move to outdoor broadcasts from the affected areas, the hot air produced would either (1) blow the oil back into the Gulf where it could be sucked out by waiting ships or (2) ignite the oil and burn it off the top.  Either way, problem solved.  If, at the end, we could also set the anchors/personalities adrift into the currents, I don’t think too many tears would be shed.

4)  Plug the leak with the now-outdated Texas history textbooks.  Texas has a problem, its existing history and social studies textbooks are historically inaccurate and full of bad examples in the form of socialist thinkers like Thomas Jefferson, Susan B. Anthony, Betsy Ross, and Thurgood Marshall.  Luckily, we caught this error in time and our Education Board was quick enough to edit out any references to these rabble-rousers.  The problem that we have is what to do with the millions of textbooks that are full of this incendiary material.  We can’t send them to another state, like California, lest they get (further) indoctrinated by this filth.  So, instead, we should round them up and offer them to BP as a means to plug the hole.  Sure, Thomas Jefferson may not have done anything for this country while he was alive, but his memory can serve to eliminate one of nature’s worst natural manmade disasters.

I hope that BP is taking notes, because this stuff is gold–not black gold of course, as that’s currently flowing into the Gulf at a rate greater than the people responsible will ever admit.  Until they get it stopped though, I’m going to keep my eyes on the seafood counter at the local supermarket to see if any MegaShrimp are going to make an appearance.

The Joke’s on who?

Washington D.C. April 1, 2010.

Congressional Republicans held a press conference today to release the stunning news that their recent vitriolic healthcare opposition and Congressional deadlocks had just been an elaborate prank leading up to April Fool’s Day.  John Boehner, House Minority leader, led the conference and announced that the GOP had pulled one over on America.  When asked if this was purely a political move in the face of the unsuccessful health-care opposition, Boehner responded: “Heavens no!  I mean, everything about this points to a prank.  What kind of a d**k would I be if I truly opposed a ban on pre-existing conditions and extending coverage to Medicare recipients?”   Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell elaborated: “Are you kidding me?  Like I give a crap about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.  They really ought to just call it ‘Don’t Even Mention It.’  If gay soldiers want to serve, who am I to stop them?’

This revelation is especially stunning in light of the recent spate of violence from various segments opposed to the health-care reform package and other recent government actions.  When questioned about the violence, Boehner took full blame: “I’m not going to lie to you, that got out of hand really quickly.  When we were planning this whole prank, we just figured that nobody could seriously think that we were comparing giving people insurance and affordable health care to the Nazis.  THE FRIGGIN’ NAZIS???!!! Are you kidding me?  Well, it turns out that we either over- or underestimated the people listening, and that is totally my fault.  I really just thought that we might get a couple of people to TP the White House or something.”

When asked for the motivation behind the prank, McConnell and Boehner compared it to fraternity hazing.  Said McConnell: “C’mon, you’ve got this new President, he’s a little wet behind the ears, and he needs to pay his dues.  Back when I was a Phi Kappa Tau at Louisville, you didn’t just come in as a pledge and order around the seniors.  We’ve all been here a long time and this guy needed to have his balls busted a little bit.  We just didn’t know that it would go on this long.  Seriously, we were comparing these bills to Communism and Stalin…anyone with even a basic understanding of history and economics knows that we were just s*****ng around.”

President Obama released a statement saying that he was “pleased” to hear of the Republican’s message and “looked forward to working with them on future efforts.”  Although it could not be specifically attributed to the President, reports are coming in that someone released a number of feral raccoons into the offices of major Republican lawmakers earlier this morning.

When asked about future plans to work with President Obama in developing his agenda, Boehner was oddly apoplectic.  “Help him out?  I mean, that guy’s not even an American citizen…I’m not about to cast a vote in his favor.”  After a tense thirty-second pause, Boehner added, “APRIL FOOLS, got you again!”

Health in a Handbasket

Yesterday, the House held a historic (or, depending on who you ask, histrionic) vote over whether to adopt the Senate’s healthcare bill.  As you may have heard, a few people are unhappy about this most recent development.  I thought that I would take a look at the real victims of all of this legislation today.

First, let’s talk about how much this is going to increase the deficit.  For one thing, there can be no…

Hang on, getting interrupted by factcheckers…Really?  Decrease?  1.3 trillion dollars over 20 years?!!??  Huh.

Ok, well, moving on.  This is just another powergrab by the government to force us to have government-run healthcare and take us out of private insurance forever.   Next thing you know, government is going to want to run Medicare and Social Security…

One sec…another interruption…No kidding?  No public option?  Keep private insurance.  Ok.

Well, just think about the taxes that this is going to impose on middle-class Americans.  I can’t even begin to imagine how much out-of-pocket….

What now?!!!  Really? All households with under $88,000/year income get assistance in paying premiums.  Well, how much of America can that really be?  Seriously?!  Over 75%?  Son-of-a…  Well who does get taxed?  Top 1%?  Dang.

The markets have certainly reacted to the news.  After the announcements, the Dow plunged more than—

Closed up by 43 points? Geez.

One thing that people aren’t going to stand for is having to pay for healthcare for all of the illegal immigrants.  There is no reason that we should bear the burden of—-

AGAIN??  Excludes illegal immigrants from coverage huh? 

Certainly the doctors are going to hate this.  They will be paid less from Medicare and their salaries are going to drop.

Hold up…let me get this straight–they’ll get a bonus?  You’re killing me here–how am I supposed to talk about the victims?  Oh, that’s a good point.

Let’s talk about the real victims of this bill.  The insurance companies of America, who last year were barely able to make ends meet without government assistance are going to go bellyup when this thing hits.  It’s going to force Americans away from paying for insurance and cut right into their bottom line.  How will they continue to operate and pay the big salaries without the loyal customers that are—-

You’ve got to be kidding me, what now?!!!? 32 million new customers??!!  Well, crap.

Ok, well, I’ve got it this time.  What about the fact that this unconstitutional usurpation of power takes away the insurance company’s right to choose its customers?  If the Supreme Court has taught us anything, it’s that the Constitution gives big corporations the same rights as you and me.  See Citizens United v. Federal Elections Comm’n.  And now, Congress and the President want to take away their right to free association by forcing them to insure people with those pesky “pre-existing conditions.”  I mean really, is it an insurers fault that you went and got that pesky case of cancer before you bought a policy?  No.  Why should they be forced to pay for your healthcare just because you have been paying all of your premiums.  If insurance was supposed to pay for all of the healthcare of its customers, it wouldn’t make nearly as much money.  So the next time that you go to the doctor, think about the poor insurance company, barely getting by on a mere billions a year in profits.  Think of the families of the CEOs who may have to wait another year to add that extra room on to their place in the Hamptons.  Because, by denying the insurance companies the right to drop sick people at their whim, we can never really have liberty and justice for all.

Now There’s Coors for Concern

First there was a Tea Party, then there was a Coffee Party.  Not to be outdone, I have decided to start a party of my own, the “Beer Party.”  Why?  Because I am sick of all of the crazies, the loudmouths, the wingnuts, and the fringers getting all of the media attention.  Plus, I could always go for a frosty brew.

What does the Beer Party believe in, you might ask?  Well, the name says it all:  Beer and Parties. Ok, maybe that’s not all of it, but it’s certainly the most important part.  There is also a grassroots political movement (or maybe I should say a barleyroots movement).  And now, our platform.  Or, in this case, our kegstand.

 From its origins, our country has always loved a good beer (“Amber waves of grain” anyone?).  Like America, the Beer Party is all about diversity.  Whether you’re a Pilsner, a Bock, an Ale, or even the wayward whisk(e)y drinker, the Beer Party is a place for you.  We believe, most of all, that America is a great nation, frothing over with values like freedom, justice, and democracy.

The Beer Party is also about the freedom to choose.  Do you like it in a frosty mug, a bottle, or straight out of the keg?  It doesn’t matter, your vote counts just as much as the next person.  We are also pro-gay marriage, because a gay wedding reception is a lot of fun.  That, and the Constitution protects the right to marry–regardless of what the bigots say.

The Beer Party doesn’t shy away from guns, although normally alcohol and firearms don’t mix well.  That’s not to say that we are encouraging people to drink and carry, or even condoning it.  But, never let it be said that the NRA doesn’t know how to have a good time, even if a few time, place, and assault weapons restrictions aren’t the worst thing in the world.

The Beer Party believes in education.  No, not indoctrination or misinformation, but actual, honest learning.  Unlike our beer, we want our children to have a lot in their head.  We also strongly support higher education because, c’mon, nothing is more synonymous with beer than college.

The Beer Party doesn’t believe in ignorance.  That’s right, if you truly believe that Death Panels are real, that Glenn Beck makes good points, or that Obama is really a Kenyan, you’re gonna get poured out at the first meeting.

The Beer Party is all about healthcare.  40 years from now, when most of the Beer Party has been decimated by cirrhosis, we’re going to need someone to take care of us.  Do we want private insurance to be the ones making that decision?  Not really.  Whether I get on the transplant list isn’t really a decision for someone who is trying to turn a profit from me.  Plus, it’s hard to say that many years of heavy drinking doesn’t fall under the “preexisting condition” exclusion.

Finally, the Beer Party is about as constitutional as it gets.  Here’s a little quiz for you.  What’s the only right to be taken away by the Constitution and then put back in?  The answer:  the right to drink.  See Amendments 18 and 21.  That tells us that our founding fathers (including, obviously, Sam Adams), along with our more recent farsighted fathers, knew that this country needed the Beer Party to take us into the 21st century.

We don’t have a candidate yet, but we are starting to organize.  Just walk into any bar in the country, and you will see our constituents.  If you’d like to join in, all you have to do is pop a top, twist off a lid, or hold that little thing on the kegspout, and you too will be drinking for America.  Get ready for 2012 because “Beer is Here, and Change is a Bubblin’.”

Isn’t She Lovely?

“What?”, I asked, not sure that my sleep-addled mind wasn’t playing tricks on me.  “I said, it’s positive,” she repeated, enforcing that, no, I was not still asleep.  “Seriously?”  I asked again, my mind suddenly giddy with possibilities.  “Yes, seriously.”  The news was enough to make me shoot up out of bed, run over, and plant a big kiss on her lips–morning breath notwithstanding.

*     *     *

The rest of the day passed in a blur.  Concentration and focus were unrealistic.  “It’s real,” I kept repeating to myself, hardly believing that it could be true.  I was so many things: excited, nervous, amazed, proud…it’s hard to put it all into words.

*     *     *

It seemed like the time until the first appointment went by SO slowly.  There’s nothing like waiting week after week to have your potential parenthood finally confirmed by a professional.  After getting into the doctor’s office, we went through the basics, and then it was time.  The sonogram–our first real baby pictures.  There we were, watching the grainy images when, what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a shrimp-like amoeba.  Then, the tiny little heartbeat came into focus.  It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen.  I’m not afraid to admit that I got a little teary-eyed.  There it was, life.  A little heart beating, and a tiny little body starting to form.

Then, we got what we had been waiting for.  “Everything looks good,” the doctor told us.  Weeks of waiting, wondering, and worrying all came down to that–a five-minute sonogram and a tiny blip on the screen.  Still, there was nothing like seeing it with my own eyes and getting the all clear.

*     *     *

It’s funny how news can change the whole mood of a room.  When, suddenly, someone slips a casual announcement into an otherwise normal Thanksgiving dinner, you can just feel the energy level spike.  That’s certainly what happened with us.  It took a few seconds for it to sink in, but then eyes widened, smiles started, and everyone was bursting with joy.  I know that the pregnancy announcement can be met with a variety of ways, depending on the situation and the context, but when you have a loving family who shares your joy with you, there’s nothing more fun than springing a good surprise.  It certainly wasn’t easy keeping it a secret for all those weeks, but each time we broke the news, seeing people light up made it totally worthwhile.

*     *     *

“I’ll know in the first few seconds,” the sonogram tech told us.  “But, I won’t tell you until the very end.”  What a tease.  Sure enough, two seconds into the exam he looked at us and shifted the image.  “Yep, I know,” he confirmed.  He then went through everything else with us, pointing out various parts and structures that, often, I just had to take his word for.  It’s crazy how quickly cells divide into cells, then form and grow into something that is recognizable.  We passed through a quick tour of the head, face, arms, legs, and feet.  And then, the big reveal: “It’s a girl.”

Finding out that you’re going to be a father to a girl evokes a lot of thoughts all at once.  On the one hand, you’re overjoyed.  On the other hand, you realize that, as an only child, and a male, you are particularly ill-equipped to know and/or understand being a girl.  You also throw into the mix that, at some point, you’re going to be the one that’s sitting on the couch trying to intimidate all of the potential boyfriends that come to the door.  Obviously, I’ve got some time to work on that last one.  Yet, none of that matters.  What does matter is that you’ve gone and created something new, amazing, and wonderful, and it’s going to take a long time to figure out just how incredible that truly is.   She is, in a word, lovely.

P.S.  For those of you having boys that might come knocking in 16-17 years, I WILL be that Dad that’s trying to scare them off, so raise them to be gentlemen and tell them that, yep, he really is that crazy.  Fear is a powerful deterrent.

When “Free” Speech Is Anything But

Well, it’s finally happened, Nascar and Congress have collided and our political landscape has been changed.  With yesterday’s campaign finance decision, the Supreme Court has effectively imbued corporations with First Amendment rights and invalidated attempts to prevent them from spending unlimited amounts of money on election advertising.  If you thought you were sick of campaign commercials last year, just wait until this decision begins to take effect.

In light of the problematic doors that this decision opens, I thought that I might provide a glimpse into a possible Congressional hearing circa the very near future.  Our scene opens at a typical Congressional hearing.  The people of Congress, instead of wearing their typical suits and conservative dress, are now seated in jumpsuits, with every square inch covered in corporate logos, stickers, and patches:

Chairman:  We are now looking into potential legislation that would cap banks’ abilities to leverage their assets and borrow against off-the-book assets that have questionable value.  It is my purpose to ingrain transparency, accountability, and accountability with this bill.  I now yield my time to the Congresswoman from Coca-Cola.

Congresswoman:  Thank you, Mr. Chairman.  First, I would like to say that I, too, support this bill.  I would also like to mention that nothing gets me focused for thinking about the potential impact of bank legislation quite like a delicious, icy-cold, bottle of Coca-Cola.  And, on days when I’m feeling a little overindulged, a Diet Coke.  But I digress…I think that this bill raises some interesting areas to address.  While it does bring about some interesting new ideas, as the good, fine, wonderful people at Coca-Cola can tell you–messing with a classic formula is a recipe for disaster.  In closing, I would say that we need to reevaluate the impact of this bill and remove some of the legislative backup.  If only we could do that as easily, safely, and effectively as you could remove your own personal backup with EZ-Lax brand laxitives–when nature isn’t helping, EZ-Lax frees you up and helps you get back to regular.

Chairman:  And now, the gentleman from Pepsi-Cola.

Congressman 2:  Well, while I recognize the comments that my colleague from Coke made, I would take issue with several.  First, the best drink for analyzing banking legislation is Pepsi-Cola.  There’s no real dispute to that.  In addition, transparency isn’t always the answer, as the unsuccessful run of Crystal Pepsi in the 1990′s reminds us.  Importantly, however, we need to reach across the aisle and work out a compromise.  In this case, I would propose that our compromise be a resolution saying that, while we recognize the accomplishments of Coke and Pepsi, we cannot and will not allow Dr. Pepper and 7up to taint our hallowed halls.

Congresswoman:  Hear hear!

Chairman:  Well, I think we can all agree on that resolution.  All in favor of no Dr. Pepper, say Aye.  All opposed?  Well, the ayes have it.  I think we have received some valuable insight, but I don’t want to rush on this banking legislation.  Particularly in light of the important contributions that a great bank like Bank of America makes, in both its convenient locations, friendly employees, and innovative financial options.  So, I suggest that we delay this bill.  Speaking of delay, try the new fast-acting Viagra tabs–in less than an hour, you’ll be ready to work on some resolutions of your own.  If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, please contact your doctor.  With that, meeting adjourned.

So What’s Left?

[After a long hiatus from posting due to a busy holiday season, I'm back for another year!]

In California, the big news this week (aside from the state being virtually bankrupt) is the trial to determine whether Prop. 8, the recently passed ban on gay marriage, passes constitutional muster.  On the one hand, proponents of the ban say that it reflects the will of the people, protects traditional societal norms, and encourages procreation by giving incentives (both legal and tax) to traditional families having children.  The opponents say that it denies a fundamental right to citizens under a thinly-disguised veil of discrimination.  They dispute the rationales offered as nonsensical, and counter that allowing monogamous gay couples to marry and be accorded equal legal and civil rights would actually promote family stability.

Texas, no stranger to the gay marriage debate (having earlier passed laws banning gay marriage, civil union, or any other institution that even remotely resembles bestowing a legal blessing on a homosexual union), is nervously watching the outcome.  No doubt, many of the Konservative Krusaders that make our state famous (or infamous) are worried about the moral decay and anarchy that would surely result from allowing gays to unite.

So, to ensure that the gay-marriage issue takes a back seat to more pressing concerns, Texas leaders are considering instituting a new ban–one on left-handed marriages.  I thought that I would delve into the rationale behind this plan and even talk to a few of the architects to understand why this ban is being proposed.

The left-handed ban has its champions, from Governor Rick Perry, all the way to Former Vice-President-cum-Fox-News-analyst. They say that the ban makes sense, as the government has a strong interest in promoting the health and well-being of its citizens, along with the healthy procreation of families.  As one supporter told me, “You can’t expect a left-handed person to reproduce easily–everyone knows that zippers are made for right-handers.”  They also cite to the wide range of products geared toward the right-handed side of the population: riding lawnmowers, American cars, and firearms.  By making sure that only right-handers reproduce, they say that we will be safer by only having citizens who are tailor-made to use these dangerous items. 

The Rev. Merv Maladroit, who bills himself as a “reformed left-hander” was willing to go on record with me about the ban:

JS:  Rev. Maladroit, I would think that a lot of people have a problem with you seeking to ban marriages for people based on what is an inherent, biological trait.

MM:  There’s nothing biological or logical about it.  People aren’t born left-handed, they are socialized that way.  A lot of left-handers will tell you that they grew up in single-mother homes without a strong father figure.  I’m not saying that this is related, but it certainly raises some flags.  Look, I too dabbled in the left-handed arts when I was younger, but then I found religion and removed myself from my wicked ways.  In fact, my ministry, “Right Is Right,” is devoted to transforming former left-handers into productive, God-fearing right-handers.  I can’t tell you the joy that I see in someone’s eyes the first time that they scratch out a barely-legible signature with their right hand…

JS:  But left-handed people have been productive and accomplished members of society for years, why single them out now?

MM:  That’s just more hogwash from the left agenda.  In reality, I don’t want my kids learning about that way of life.  If God had intended us to be left-handed, he wouldn’t have given us a right hand.  And let’s talk about perceptions.  Have you seen the way that the lefties have invaded popular culture?  They put on these characters like Ned Flanders and Rocky Balboa to make people think that lefties are o.k.  Well I’m here to tell you that they aren’t.

JS:  I’m not buying it.  I don’t think you can give me one good reason to ban left-handed marriages.

MM:  I’ll hit on the most obvious.  As you know, the word “left” has long been associated with the liberal–namely Democrats–elite.  The way that they are currently destroying our country in Washington D.C., is it any wonder that people want to return to a simpler time, when only the right-handed people were in control of things?  If you read any Scripture at all, you’ll know that the position of power was at the right hand of God.  You can’t argue with that.

As the California trial continues, people will anxiously await the outcome.  But, in other places, right-handed people are trying to make sure that their movement gains some footing.  In the end, even if we someday settle the gay-marriage debate,people still can’t agree as to whether two lefts make a right.

Thar’ She Blows…Or Not

As we move towards Thanksgiving of 2009, the nation seems to be caught up in the great healthcare debate.  This short-sighted focus, however, has caused us to miss one of the greatest triumphs of the Obama administration.  That’s right, since taking office in January of this year, President Obama and his team have successfully prevented any major hurricanes (Category 3 or higher) from making landfall in the US.  If you will recall, under President Bush, this certainly wasn’t true, as the US was devastated by repeat hits from major hurricanes (e.g. Katrina, Rita, Gustav, Ike, and many more).  Not surprisingly, the pundits on Fox News and the mainstream media aren’t providing coverage of this major victory over Mother Nature.

To find out the secret behind this success, I asked President Obama a couple of questions:

JS:  So, how did you manage to prevent these hurricanes from forming and/or making landfall?

PO:  Well, if you will remember, during my campaign I promised to use diplomacy and the threat of sanctions to negotiate with any major hurricanes that were threatening our country.  In addition, I pledged to raise our national profile in the hurricane community, so that they know that, while we don’t support their damage and destruction, we are not an anti-hurricane society. 

Since taking office, I have done that.  I’ve visited several countries where hurricanes begin, I’ve presented several major speeches to hurricanes on the Weather Channel, and anytime a major storm began to form, I sent Secretary of State [Hillary] Clinton out in a single-engine Cessna into the eye of the storm to negotiate with the Hurricane.  It’s this combination of diplomacy and understanding that has fostered our success.

JS:  Hurricane diplomacy.  That’s a new one.  You’re telling me that you actually sent Hillary Clinton into these hurricanes in a small plane?

PO:  Well, that wasn’t my first inclination.  Actually, the idea was Bill Clinton’s.  I suggested using a military storm chasing plane for safety, but he convinced me that we didn’t want to seem too aggressive.  By sending her in a small single-engine craft, we appeared to be more friendly and it saved the taxpayers’ money. 

Republicans, on the other hand, aren’t so generous with their praise.  I asked House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) for his opinion:

JS:  Rep. Boehner, you don’t seem to credit President Obama for the reduction in hurricanes.  What is your take?

JB:  Well, I’d say that he’s responsible, but not for the reasons that he told you.  The simple fact is that, under President Obama’s socialist regime, there’s just no incentive for a hurricane to come to this country.  It used to be that hurricanes would come in and cause billions of dollars of damage in a single storm.  President Obama didn’t like that one storm could cause all of this damage, so he has redistributed the damage to other smaller storms that didn’t have the same powerful winds and rotation.  So now, anytime a powerful hurricane hits, it won’t be allowed to damage the US in the same way, because its damage has been “redistributed” to smaller, weaker local thunderstorms and tornados. 

This is unconstitutional.  Our founding fathers made sure that the power to regulate storm damage was left in the hands of the states…read the 10th amendment, that’s in there.  Not to mention that under our capitalist system, a powerful storm should be left free to cause as much damage as it can.  Just because some weak thunderstorm in Oklahoma gets its feelings hurt is no reason to redistribute the damage caused by a big hurricane to it.  If Obama would stop dismantling the free market, hurricanes could come and go as they please.

JS:  So, let me get this straight, you like the idea of having major hurricanes hit the US?

JB:  Well, it’s not like Ohio’s getting nailed.  But, more importantly, I’m about preserving the capitalist values that our founding fathers used to form this great nation.  I’m not just for hurricanes, I’m for freedom.

With hurricane season mostly in the books, it looks like hurricane diplomacy may have succeeded.  But, next season it starts all over again.  Let’s keep our fingers crossed that Hillary and her single engine Cessna can continue to keep us safe well into 2010.

The Politics of Poll-itics

It’s Election Day across the nation, and they’re spitting out polls right and left.  For every election and every issue there are more polls and stats than you can find in major league baseball.  What’s the reason behind this abundance of “data?”  Well, I like to call it Poll-itics (a portmanteau of poll and lunatic).  Now more than ever there are tens (perhaps hundreds) of thousands of poll-iticers working around the clock making calls and robocalls, sending emails, and doing in person questioning to determine the prevailing winds in the USA on any  issue.  Certainly, this is a useful tool, but it starts to turn ugly when people treat these things as the gospel truth or stretch them beyond what they are.  While polls are generally accurate in evaluating broad trends and feelings, all they really tell us is how the people answered the questions asked.  So, as you watch the eledction returns flow in tonight, keep these things in mind as you are bombarded by a myriad of poll-itics:

1)  It’s all about the method behind the madness.  Not surprisingly, a poll is only as good as the method used to take it.  Lots of polls purport to take a “random” sampling of adults from across the country and take their views on any issue.  But, a sneaky polltaker can skew the results by skeing the sample.  For example, if you are a GOP pollster and you want to reflect that Obama’s policies are unpopular, where are you going to select random people?  Probably from areas that voted pro-McCain and GOP in the last election.  It also all depends on how the question is framed.  If you call a bunch of people and ask if they would support a health plan that would require the government to determine whether old people live or die, it isn’t exactly fair to use those numbers to say that the “overwhelming majority of Americans don’t support Obama’s health plan.”

2.   Polls aren’t perfect.  If you go to the doctor with the flu, what does he or she do?  Well, you get your temperature and vitals taken, you describe your symptoms, and you get examined.  Then, the doctor diagnoses and determines the course of treatment.  What if, instead of the exam, your doctor called 100 people in the community and asked them how they were feeling to determine what was wrong with you and how to treat it?  Sure, he or she might get an idea of the ailments in the local area, but if everyone else was suffering from the chicken pox, you’d be in a bind.  It’s the same with polls.  While they might give an idea of how people generally feel, it doesn’t do much to figure out what you will do when standing in the voting booth.

3.   Correlation isn’t causation.  What do polls really tell us?  They tell us how each of the people asked the questions responded, and that’s it.  Just because 55% of people responding said “x” doesn’t mean that 55% of Americans believe the same.  They also don’t give us the why.  If 55% of people support “x,” we don’t know if they do it for personal reasons, religious ones, political ones, or because they flipped a coin.  For the same reason, trying to tie two different polls together to explain one another is crap.  What’s my point?  Well, that means that when people try to to explain why people in polls feel the way that they do, they are probably wrong. 

Let’s look at an example.  The big race to watch today is the New Jersey Governor’s race.  It pits the incumbent (and unpopular) Democrat against a Republican challenger.  Both sides have their polls about who is winning and whether people support the President and his policies.  If the Repub wins, expect tomorrow’s press bites to say that it was because NJ wanted to send a message to Obama (and they will have polls to back up their belief).  If the Dem wins, expect the soundbites to say that it was a message about how NJ wants hope and change (And they will have their polls too).  The truth is that all it will tell us is who NJ wants for their governor.  The other interpretation is like saying that people hate Michael Vick because they disagree with the policies of the NFL commissioner.  Guess what, some people might hate Michael Vick because of the dog-fighting thing or for reasons entirely different. 

In the end, people should use polls for what they are–general indicators.  Trying to extrapolate the why is about as useful as trying to guess why John and Kate’s marriage didn’t work out.  So, when you are watching the election returns, look at the actual votes (not the polls) and realize that all they are really telling you is who won or lost.

What Not To Wear 2.0: Halloween Edition

The air is crisp and the candy aisles have doubled in size.  Looks like it’s time for the Second Annual Jodysez Halloween Costume Tips and Costume Reveal.  If you’ll recall from last year, this post will summarize the latest dress-up trends and finish with a big reveal–my 2009 costume choice.  So, without further adieu:

1)  Vampires and Zombies.  The supernatural is off the charts this year, as vampires and zombies have charmed their way into our hearts and our tasty, tasty brains.  Vampires, in particular, are everywhere–the movies, the bookstores, and on the television.  With Twilight, New Moon, Vampire Diaries, True Blood, and that old classic Dracula, the American public has a thirst for vampires like never before.  With the movie Zomebieland recently topping the box office, the undead have a strong hold on the trend meter as well.  What can you do with this?  Well, you can always go for the simple, like dressing as a Twilight character or generic zombie, or you can spice it up with a little creativity.  Just think how your friends on the right will guffaw when you show up as Vampire Obama, fresh from sucking the capitalist lifeblood from our country!!  If you hang out with the left-wingers, wow them with your Zombie Rush Limbaugh or Zombie Glenn Beck costumes, while feasting on the brains of your teabagging listeners.

2)  Politics.  Even after the election, this has been a busy political year.  Nothing makes a good costume quite like a topical one.  By tapping into the political news, you literally have millions of options.  Of course, there’s always Wolfman Ben Bernanke, an old standby that never loses its appeal, but why stop there?  You could go as a Government Czar.  All you have to do is dress up like an 18th century Russian noble, and then tape the name of a generic industry/department to your front.  Cars, School Safety, Environment–you name it and it has a czar.  For a little different variation, you could go as the Nobel committee.  To make this costume work, you need to photocopy several hundred pieces of paper that say “Nobel Prize.”  Then, when anyone does anything remotely positive, give them one:  “Hey, thanks for the drink, here’s a Nobel Prize.”  “No, I don’t need to use the restroom, but thanks for asking, here’s a Nobel Prize.”  “Hey pizza guy, nice delivery…no tip, but here’s a Nobel Prize.”  If you have the dual goal of impressing your friends and having them question your sexuality, go as Tom Delay in his Dancing with the Stars costume.  Make sure you shimmy and samba, but you have to leave the party at least two hours before it’s over.

3)  The Economy.  Ok, it’s getting better (according to Wolfman Bernanke), but lots of people are still wary.  So, use the economy to your advantage in costume design.  The first idea involves getting a paper bag and filling it with thousands of dollars in Monopoly money.  Throughout the night, walk around slowly and hand out a few dollars at a time.  Make sure, though, that you have plenty of money left in the bag when the party ends.  What are you?  The Stimulus, of course!  Have you lost a lot of weight this year?  All you need is to blow up a picture of you before and then carry around next to you all night.  What are you?  The job market from 2008 to 2009.

I hope that this list helps you to narrow down your choices, and makes you a big hit at any party.  So what am I going to be?  Well, I thought I would do another combo costume, combining one of America’s favorite vampires with a pithy political statement.  That’s why this year, I will be partying it up dressed as Count Chocula, The United States Czar of Children’s Cereal. 

Here’s wishing you happy trick-or-treating and that the Great Pumpkin brings you everything on your list!

A Tongue-In-Cheek Tome.

Dear Mr. President,

I am writing to express my surprise about your recent win of the Nobel Peace Prize.  It must come as a surprise after you single-handedly lost the entire Olympics bid and forced them to award it to Rio.*  While some people say the Peace Prize is an honor and accomplishment, or even a mandate from the international community to keep trying to use diplomacy over force, I think that they misunderstand the true meaning of peace.  As Teddy Roosevelt, a fellow Laureate, once said, “Guns don’t kill people, peace kills people.”**  You can’t argue with that.  So, here are a few suggestions to get things back on track:

1.  Stop trying to reduce nuclear weapons.  The whole idea that you can take away nuclear arms is unconstitutional.  The second amendment gives me the right to bear arms, and that includes a nuke or two.  It’s what the founding fathers intended.  I’m a conscientious user–in fact, I have taken classes on the use of personal nuclear weapons by my local NRA chapter.  Plus, I need these missiles for hunting and sport purposes.  Just like me, Russia, Iran, and North Korea are exercising their Second Amendment rights as well.  I’ve seen the rabbits and deer that they have over in Russia, and I’ve got to tell you, it would probably take a well-placed nuke to take those suckers out.***

2.  Diplomacy is no substitute for brute force.  All you want to do is talk to our enemies about our problems.  Well, I’ve always said that talking never solved anything.  Everyone knows that the best way to win is to be bigger, stronger, and more heavily armed than the other side.  Does a bully take someone’s lunch money by talking?  No way, they get the money because they hold the weaker guy upside down in the toilet.  If Iran, terrorists, North Korea, Canada, and Nancy Pelosi won’t play nice, there’s only one solution–Swirley Time.  Of course in my scenario, a swirley would be a land invasion, heavy bombing, and possibly a mushroom cloud.

3.  America is always right.  Why have you gone around the world apologizing for our actions?  You act like we did something wrong.  By invading Iraq, we brought peace to their country–once we stopped blowing stuff up.  Same thing with Russia.  How can they know that we are friends if we don’t put our missile defense shield next to their country?  It shows them that we are thinking about them all the time, and that’s a nice gesture.  Cuba was also just fine before you started trying to talk to them.  I mean, think about all those people that would make homemade rafts and leave Miami  just for a chance to live in Cuba.  Plus, they’ve got some really sweet 1950′s hot rods.  Anyway, we’ve never done anything wrong, and we aren’t about to start anytime soon.****

4.  Healthcare.  Why are you trying to kill my family by giving us insurance?  I know this isn’t peace-related, but it’s a worry just the same.  By trying to force everyone to have affordable healthcare, you are denying me my constitutional right to not have insurance.  That’s not capitalism.  Sure, I have insurance right now that I pay for, but that’s my choice.  If I didn’t want to pay anymore, I could quit my job and let the government pay for my care.  You want to take that choice away and I don’t like it.  Keep the government out of Medicare, too!!!   Plus, you want to decide when my grandmother should die.  That is my job, not yours.

Please keep these things in mind when you are Presidenting our country.  It would be a shame if you let that “Peace Prize” go to your head, and you forget that the only true way to have peace is to have the most guns.

Sincerely,

A member of the vocal minority.

*  Of course he didnt, but you would think that he did the way that some people are pointing the finger.  There’s a reason that the title is “Tongue-in-cheek.”

** No, he didn’t really say this.  The true quote was, “Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.”  It was an odd quote for 1905, but it later proved prophetic.

***  In reality, 1 in 5 Russian rabbits can withstand a direct nuclear attack.

****  Well, ok, except for slavery, segregation, Japanese internment, reality tv, Carrot Top, the Defense of Marriage Act, and some minor colonialization, but that’s it.  Oh yeah, and all of the “Real Housewives of…” shows.

P.S.  In reality, Mr. President, the award is for all of us who want to see diplomacy and peace in action.  I hope that this award truly does serve as a call to action for you and for all of us to promote greater understanding and peace among the nations of the world.  Good luck!!

Rogue Gain

Taking her place with other literary icons like Lauren Conrad, Danielle Steel, and James Patterson, Gov. Sarah Palin’s pre-orders for her new book have already sent her to the top of the New York Times bestseller list.  Anxious as always to hear her perspective on things, I thought I would ask Sarah a few things about her new book.  Luckily for me, she was able to fit me in between speech appearances in Hong Kong, Tokyo, and the annual Iditarod Tractor Pull in Denali.

JS:  Gov. Palin, welcome back to the blog, it’s always a pleasure to have you here.

SP:  Gosh, thanks so much.  It’s nice to be here.  But, things have changed, I’m going have to charge you $275,000 for this appearance.  [winking].  Just kidding ya!

JS:  So, let’s talk about the book, what’s it about?

SP:  Well, as you can probably tell from the title, it’s about me.  I started out as just a humble state officer in the largest and least populous state in the Union.  Then, there I was, thrust into the national spotlight and being told what to do by a team of advisors.  As everyone knows, I’m a bit of a maverick, so that didn’t sit well.  I took my own path, and that’s what this book is about.  And it also has a section that includes some of my favorite salmon and seal recipes.

JS:  Salmon and seal.  Sounds like a bargain buy!

SP:  You betcha.  My filet of seal with a side of baked Alaska was a PTA potluck favorite!

JS:  So, what was your process?  How did you write this thing?

SP:  Well, like all good writers, I started with an outline.  Well, actually, first it was a series of dots, which I connected to draw a picture of an eagle.  Then, I colored the picture.  Being a rogue I colored outside the lines a bit.  After I was done, I was inspired by the bald eagle, and I thought about America.  So, I put down a few notes and my people put me on the phone with a ghost, who used his magic to make a book.

JS:  Do you mean that you used a ghost writer?

SP:  Oh no!  I came up with the ideas, the ghost heard them, and then used his magic to make a book.  He didn’t do any writing, otherwise how could my name be on the cover?

JS:  Who are your literary influences?  I think I’m getting a pretty good picture.

SP:  Well, I do love books with pictures.  All those words need something to break them up.  When I was writing this one, though, I was most inspired by Steinbeck.

JS:  John Steinbeck?  I guess you wanted to write about hardworking salt-of-the-earth folks and their struggles to get by in modern America?

SP:  No, Stein and Beck.  Ben Stein and Glenn Beck.  I read parts of each of their books, and that put me in the right direction.

JS:  Sigh.  Well, tell everyone where they can find your book?

SP:  It’s not out yet, but you can preorder it at all the major bookstores, Amazon, and the Juneau general store.  Just remember, you can’t get it on Kindle.

JS:  Why not Kindle?

SP:  Are you kidding?  Most of my biggest supporters don’t have electricity.  Plus, I live in Alaska.  Have you ever tried to charge a Kindle in an igloo?  One spark, and you’re homeless.

Well, that’s the latest from America’s newest lady of letters.  Stay tuned for more because once this thing hits stores, it’s only a matter of time before we see “Going Roguer:  The Sequel.”

They’re Sorry Alright…

There’s been a lot in the news lately about a lot of things, so I thought I would address several different stories in this post.  First, I just wanted to say a few words about Patrick Swayze.  For those of us who grew up in the 1980′s, Patrick’s movies were some of the most popular of our time.  Who doesn’t remember Ghost or Dirty Dancing (which I was forbidden from watching when it first came out due to the “adult” content).  Even though he was one of the most influential tough-guy/dancers of the time, he also managed to—–

Unidentified person:  YO, YO, Jodysez, I’m really sad for Patrick, and I’ll let you finish, but Michael Jackson was one of the best tough-guy dancers of the 1980′s.  One of the best tough-guy dancers of all time!!

JS:  Excuse me?  I’m blogging here–who the F are you?

UP:  Yo, I’m Kanye West.

JS:  What the heck?  I’m trying to do a tribute here, and you’re up here interrupting me.  What is wrong with you?

KW:  Look, I didn’t mean to interrupt you, that was really rude of me.  I just get so, you know, emotional and stuff about MJ. 

JS:  That’s ok.  I’m just trying to post a little memorial to Swayze because— 

KW:  Memorial, yeah, Swayze was good and all, but MJ’s memorial was one of the best of all time!  I mean it was amazing.  Aw dang, I did it again, I’m sorry.

JS:  Let me just move on.

Health care reform remains in the top news spot, though.  Last week, President Obama made a joint speech to Congress about his plans, and then Sen. Baucus unveiled his own Senate “bipartisan” version for review.  The push(y) for reform has really gotten some people on the right enraged though.  This weekend, followers of Glenn Beck’s (R-ightwingnut) 9/12 Project showed up in D.C. to protest all things Obama.  By their own estimates, they had somewhere between 1,000,000 and infinity protestors show up.  Other sources, however,  like the news and the DC fire department have placed the number somewhere between 50,000 and 70,000.

Unidentified person:  YOU LIE!

JS:  Son of a—-who are you?

UP:  I’m Congressman Joe Wilson, and I’m not going to stand here and let you spout this nonsense. 

JS:  Rep. Wilson, are you disputing the number of people at the rally?

JW:  You’re darn right I am.  I used to work as an aerial photo crowd analyzer, and I can tell you that there were at least 14 million people there.  Not to mention that every single one of them was a legal American citizen.  Just look at the pictures.

JS:  Are these the pictures that were determined to be from a Promise Keeper’s rally in 1997?  Look, they don’t even have all of the buildings that are on the National Mall today.  Plus, I don’t think you ever really worked in aerial photo crowd estimation.

JW:  LIAR!!  I used to estimate crowds all the time.  Oh geez, I’m sorry about that.  Really sorry.  I can’t tell you how bad my behavior has been.  Actually, you know what, I’m done apologizing.

JS:  That’s ok.  It happens to all of us.  It’s not like I’m going to censure you for it.

Finally, it looks like Tom (“The Hammer”) Delay may be bowing out of Dancing With The Stars due to a stress fracture in his left foot.  When asked what happened, Delay wouldn’t specify: “You know, these things happen, I’d just guess this is another case of the left trying to bring Tom Delay down [chuckles].  Seriously though, I’m going to try to power past and and keep on dancing, because America needs more positive role models like me on tv.”

Leave it to a Republican politician to try to make his left foot at fault like—

Unidentified Person:  F*** YOU!!!  You wouldn’t know a foot fault if it hit you in the ****ing face!

JS:  You’ve got to be kidding me.  Who are you, and why are you in my blog?

UP:  I’m Serena Williams, and if you don’t quit mouthing off about people’s feet being at fault, I’m going to take this **** *&)#@$# ball and !(&#&^$*%!(* down your  @#(* and @*#&*&*.  You don’t know the hurt that I will bring you *&#@&@^.

JS:  Wow, someone’s a little touchy.

SW:  Look, I’m sorry, that was uncalled for and unprofessional.  I know it wasn’t you that brought up feet and faults, but it’s just something that causes me to lose it.

JS:  By it, do you mean the US Open?

SW:  Oh hell no, )(*&#$@ your !*#^&$^ with a @#$*)&@$# and #$!*(*#*$@!!!!!!!!!

Well, I got taken a little off topic by some interruptions, but you get the gist.  Anyway, I know you all wanted to hear my thoughts on these things, so I’m sorry that I couldn’t give them to you.  I’m really sorry.  So, sorry.  But I really mean it.